everytime you fall it's only making your chin strong

you know how it is that we seem to never be satisfied with our lot, we think: if only i had this or that, and then i'd be happy.

when i was young, i so wanted to grow up as fast as i could.

in primary school, the coolest kids were always the primary sixes't, who walked around the school like they owned the place. they were the tallest, the strongest, the smartest, the ones who seemed to get the most privileges, as well as the most responsibilities entrusted to them.

and wanted to be a primary sixer, and eventually, i became one. but before long, after 5 years of waiting to getting to where i was, growing up brought me to secondary 1.

and there in secondary school, the the secondary fours ruled the roost.

they were the best in all the sports, the captains of all the teams, the ones who got into trouble with the discipline master, the ones who came up with the smartest and most bad ass quips and retorts against the teachers. they were the ones who could stay out late, wear trousers instead of shorts, who did chin-ups, not the girly inclined version.

and so i always wanted to be older.

and then, quite out of the blue, knocks that i used to shake off overnight, became more persistent and pernicious, places on my body that i didn't even know existed began to ache, and i started to perceive my mortality more and more.

all of a sudden, i wanted to be younger. i wanted to re-live the times that i had spent innocent to the worst of people, to un-do the bad choices that i've made, the people i've hurt.

i felt ancient; to be 23 and still serving ns, alongside those 18, 19 or 20. i wondered what i could be, if i were 18. on a side note, mesut ozil is 23, and already he is one of the finest playmakers in the world right now, playing for one of the biggest clubs in the world, real madrid, and key for his country - germany. me, i'm just a third sergeant in the saf.

yet the strange thing is, something brought me to wished that i was older these past few weeks. to be someone done with ns, who's capable financially, intellectually, and most crucially, emotionally: a man - not a callow boy. someone who's has achievements to his name, not mere precocious potential.

silly me.

there is a season for everything, and now, it's the season to be a third sergeant in the saf.

i will grow up, but i will do that at my own pace, for myself, into someone that i want to be, someone that a primary matthew would look at and be excited about growing into, eventually.