swore you were just hanging out, so why'd you look so scared baby every time your phone would ring?
alright, hi to all who are reading this.
i've always requested that this place not be linked, and i've never said much about about me writing here. it's just me, i enjoy reading and writing - well, i applied to the faculty of arts and social sciences in nus after all - and, pardon my lack of humility, i do think that i'm better at these things then most of my peers.
this is me, i'm confident about what i am, and accordingly, sure of what i'm not.
reading and writing, to me, is composing. it is said that winston churchill read a book every night, even during the blitz. he said that reading made him think better. well, for me, writing makes me think better, clearer.
and this's the purpose for this place: for me to pen my thoughts down, for me to think, and for me to share my thoughts with my good friends. i've always requested to not be linked because i enjoy my own space here, with trusted people who have the courage to disagree with me, challenge me, but not judge me. perhaps it's just my temperament (i'm choleric/melancholy) to not feel so comfortable with too many eyes staring at me.
i've never password-protected this place either, simply because i thought that if this someone would go through all the hassle to find this place, well, then i'm glad that this person values my opinion so much as to go through all that trouble, and i wouldn't begrudge this person finding this place.
furthermore, i've got nothing to hide here - these are just my musings - i write infrequently, and when i do write, i've always written about boring stuff anyway. i don't write about what i did, nor do i write about what i ate, where i went, what i bought et cetera (kellyn does a brillant job writing about things like that anyway, and in terms of recount writing, i think she's a superior writer than i am).
just a quick digression, my posts are usually few and far between because i do spend alot of time and effort on them (those that are worth reading that is). whenever something does interest me, i like to mull it over that in my head for sometime before i even start to write, and every so frequently, i'd run into a dead end and find that i simply cannot substantiate on that particular subject matter or organise my thoughts into a coherent and congruent piece of writing, at least not with my limited knowledge, intellect and grasp of the language, and i'd have to reluctantly shelf that topic in my head, perhaps to write about that sometime later.
and so, i've never really expected to have many readers here, nor do i wish for that.
but obviously, my previous few entries have been rather interesting to many people and i seem to have struck how-to-get-more-people-reading-your-blog gold. and so be it. like i said, i have nothing to hide.
everything that was written here had been said to you, and i have absolutely no qualms about repeating everything that i had written in front of you, again, nor to anyone else. i have questioned you, but i have not been answered satisfactorily (if at all), and again, i have absolutely no reservations about asking those exact same questions in front of you (and perhaps many other questions that i had deemed not so pertinent), nor to anyone else. i stand by what i have written, and again i say, i have nothing to hide.
question is, do you?
i've stuck to the facts, and i've tried to the best of my ability to present them in an objective and detached manner. i presented my point of view, but i made no accusations. all i did was to recount what happened, as well as to air my thoughts and my doubts. and to anyone else, they can make up their own mind. i was concerned that my posts would appear to be mud-slinging, but i needed the release that writing provides me, and i was reassured by some that my tone was alright. i must admit that i had at some point taken cheap shots at you, i couldn't resist, but yes, i was emotional. guilty as charged.
of the many things that i can be accused of, i don't think that i can be said to be a hypocrite. i've been charged with being 'fierce' on the pitch, but that's just me showing my true emotions, that's just me showing just how i feel. if i feel disgust for that sloppy pass, that half-hearted challenge, the sluggish movement around me, i show it. guys who've played football with me (the sport that i'm most passionate about, the one that i get the most upset about too) should know just how much i'd moan if i don't feel that my teamates and i are giving our 100%. i don't like losing at all, and i'm not afraid to show it. i'm sorry i'm not someone who can smile and say it's alright when i'm fuming about a sloppy pass (i've learnt that different people respond differently and that somethings a word of encouragement is what is required, but i still can't bring myself to say it's ok - it's not ok - but i've learnt to say something like, guys we can play better than this). bill shankly once said, show me a good loser and i'll show you a loser. and so the most logical question now is, is winning really that important? my answer? there are more important things in life than winning, but i believe that in everything that we do, we should put our best in. and best means no sloppy passes, no half-hearted challenges, no sluggish movement.
in my dealings with people, i've tried to be genuine as well. if i don't like you, i don't like you, period. i will not smile and laugh and joke with someone, and turn around to laugh and joke about them when they're not around. nor would i laugh and joke with someone, and turn around to laugh and joke about they're suicide threats. and in a way, despite me not liking some of these people, i actually treat them better than their 'friends' simply because i don't join in with the bitching about them behind their backs.
if i don't like you, i will not even add you on facebook. i understand that different people view this differently, and i respect that. some add anyone that they are acquainted with and that's the end of the discussion. but for me, considering that the person that i add would have access to my pictures, my conversations with my friends, my status updates, i've rejected friend requests of people whom i simply don't know well. needless to say, those whom i do not like (i'm still polite to them of course), i do not add them at all.
i've pretty much steered clear of bitching about our clinicians and lecturers too but i do have to confess that i have said some unpleasant things about evan. i've since realised my mistake and as far as possible, avoided talking about her, for the simple reason: my opinion of her isn't very good, and i make no denials about that.
evan isn't a friend on facebook.
and if i do like someone, i'd like to think that i do try my best to show that someone that he/she is treasured. i'll stand by my friends and i have on a number of occasions for a number of them (i'm lucky in a way that i've some rather popular friends in poly, so i don't have much defending to do). jordon, however was always a running joke among some of us. at the expense of sounding like i'm a saint (i'm not) i've always made my stand clear: jordon is my friend, and i will not have any part to do with the bitching about him. jordon may be annoying at times yes, but i've always enjoyed his company, and his heart is in the right place. at the very least, he is more frank and honest than quite a few people that i know. i remember once when i was with jordon and we wanted to meet with the rest of the guys. they didn't want jordon there and lied to him saying that they were going home, but secretly messaged me telling me where they were. i really didn't know what to do then, and so i accompanied jordon and had dinner with him till he was supposed to meet his friend before heading down to find the rest of the guys. it came to a point when i was accused of sitting on the fence when i refused to join in the mocking of my friend. i merely shrugged that comment off, but i thought in my head, you're wrong. it takes bloody guts to choose a side - and i have chosen my side, its just a side that is opposite to yours, i choose not to betray my friend - i choose to stand against you, and you, you who do not even know why you dislike jordon, but was merely repeating what the rest were saying, you have no bloody right to accuse me of 'sitting on the fence'.
even when it came to you, when there were some unpleasant things said about you, i did not pay any heed to those accusations.
maybe i'd suffer the repercussions for actually saying all these, but hell, if you're unhappy about what i've written, you probably are not supposed to even know of this page's existence, you were not meant to read this. i've disagreed so many times about so many things with some of my friends and i've written about what i thought here. they took in what i had to say, told me where they were coming from and understood that i was just speaking my mind, that i was just being frank with them and we have since become much better friends because of that.
and so, if any of you are to disagree with what i've said, i'd be more than willing to hear what you have to say. i am ready to apologise for any false and wrongful insinuations that i might have made or for my own oversight in some areas of my speech and actions that i have not been careful and guarded about.
therefore, this place is simply where i can be honest, to both myself and to my friends. i'd hate to sound like a puritan, to sound like i'm putting myself on a pedestal with a holier-than-thou mindset. no. i'm just presenting my conviction for some of the things that i don't feel is quite right and explaining my refusal to take part in them.
i remember my first ever entry on this page close to 3 years ago. it was a short post about what this page is all about. today, i write a long post about what this page is about.
i'm kinda disappointed that i'm only getting new readers when i'm writing so poorly, and so what better chance to showcase the writings that i'm proud of than now? so i came up with this wonderful idea to re-post some of my past writings from 6 months back, despite that being probably one of the driest period for writing personally. i was writing so much for fyp and my mind constantly occupied with shit that i had to deal with (your shit, might i add), but i do reckon that i did come up with some reasonably posts (there was even one which a guy who calls himself the modern sophist commented on. i don't know this guy, but i went to his page and he writes some decent stuff there. i don't like the name modern sophist though. sophists, for those who didn't know, were teachers who taught for money in ancient greece, who thought themselves learned and wise and thus, stop questioning and stop learning, choosing instead to focus on hair-splitting arguments.) and i'm excited about re-reading them. for those new readers, well, i'm sorry it's back to the boring stuff and what better way to make those who are here merely for a show to go away. for those who've read them already (i just read a message from a good friend asking me about how i've been doing and that i return to my usual writings. i'm thankful for such a friend, and i'm happy to oblige.), well, re-read them anyway. maybe there's something in there that might be thought-provoking, or something that we've forgotten. these posts are by no means perfect, i'm very limited, and there are grammatical errors abound (i'm almost never proof-read my posts simply because i put in a lot of thought and effort into them, and by the time i'm done, i really just want to post it. and unless the error is really conspicuous, only a handful will notice anyway, hahahaha)
i shall start the ball rolling with a poem, my second post here and the reason for my url, that mr koh gave me before he left for australia (mr koh taught me for a mere 3 months, but left such a profound impact on my life and has been such a major influence and encouragement in my decision to apply for fass despite the initial misgivings of my parents and friends.) before going on to re-post the entries that i like from the past 6 months or there about.