7 weeks ago, i was shaken. they say that ignorance is bliss. maybe. perhaps that's why those people lied to me, perhaps they thought i'd be better off not knowing. perhaps they have a point, perhaps not. but the signs were clear as day, right in front of me, and i couldn't miss them even if i tried. and there was this disquiet in my heart. 7 weeks ago, i was so badly shaken, but i wasn't surprised.

6 weeks ago, i fought back. i said that i would not sit on my hands and do nothing and i refused to back down, and i responded with my might. i was flying off to thailand, i knew, but i was quietly confident (although erroneously so). i didn't know about the reassurance that you gave him then, but i didn't want to pressure you into telling me things that you didn't want to, especially not after an overnight stay at a chalet without much sleep and with a mild headache from all the alcohol that night before (for me).

5 weeks ago, i came back from thailand and was to fly off to taiwan in a couple of days time. you did all the right things, spoke pretty well too, and i honestly thought that we were going somewhere. one step forward. by then, i had already heard about how things were not quite as simple, but i paid no heed those words, nor the questions in my own head. i chose to believe your words instead, and yet again, i chose not to ask about what was said that night because i thought that you'd let me know when you're ready, and i gave this excuse for you, telling myself that i was weary from thailand and having just touched down and i was not quite in the right frame of mind.

4 weeks ago, while in taiwan, you went to speak to him. you reassured him yet again, and in that 2 hours, maybe 3, everything changed. and we went sliding 2 steps back, 3 steps, 4 steps, every single pace that was taken, we went crashing all the way back. i can not, i will not, and i simply refuse to believe that everything can change just like that. and when did you ever come to speak to me about anything? even when we were having so much trouble, when did you ever take the initiative to solve anything? no you simply ran and hid and well, swore. and my world simply turned upside down. all the words that i refused to hear, all the signs that i refused to read, all the steps that i refused to take - choosing instead to go against my instinct that had served me so well thus far - they all returned with a vengeance, haunting my thoughts, possessing my waking moments, tormenting my dreams. that was just how hard i struggled, seeing you with him everyday, and then, having to deal with the battle within myself, torn between instinct and trust, indignance and despair. i was brought to my knees and broken as those who were in taiwan would testify.

i've experienced pain far worse, brought about by someone i cared for far more, someone who had indeed cared far more for me. i had felt sorrow because of how things became between us, but i have never felt so torn within myself, nor as lost. don't flatter yourself, this is because with estella, i had always known where she was coming from. i had always known that no matter what, we both wanted things to work, and in a way, i took that for granted. this brought to mind an incident between estella and myself. in the midst of a bad period for us in 2007, her classmate and groupmate (oddly enough, someone whom i know too. he was from the pjc pae and a mutual friend as well. cool eh? he went to mass comm after the first 3 months in jc) came into the picture. at that point in time, we were hardly seeing one another - she was so busy with her immense work load in mass comm, staying till 9, 10 in the night almost everyday - while i, well, i was sulking in jc. i hated the jc curricula and i wanted her with me, but i felt that i wasn't important to her at all. she wasn't happy that i had never said all these things to her, so that she could fix things, but merely sulked (i was the one bottling things up, and well, if what goes around indeed does comes around, karma bit me right there in the ass then. you have no idea how different i was with you and if i were half as frank with estella as compared to how i was with you, things would have been so, so very different). estella's reply was a flat no, she told me about it, and then kept her distance from this classmate and groupmate, even at inconvenience to herself, out of her own accord. estella told him that they'd remain friends, and so, made sure that they kept the distance that friends would keep.

but it was in this brokenness that i found my rest, 3 weeks ago. it is through the word of God that brought me through that dark period and i'd just like to highlight something particularly interesting that i read. it is said in Daniel chapter 9 that the rebuilding and restoration of Jerusalem (which was in ruins) would take seven 'sevens', something which i understood as 7 weeks.

it was still very difficult for me, and every single day, you slipped away, while i was still struggling within myself. but daily i found the strength to keep myself together.

2 weeks ago, i was pretty much at rock bottom. i felt so alone in taiwan, but my friends really rallied around me and picked me up. and i had this indubitable feeling that i was doing the right thing, something which those around me continually affirmed whenever i was going to waver. i saw things much clearer then, having the opportunity think things through as objectively as i could but i chose to speak to you although deep inside i felt like a fool. i probably felt angry too, but i was reminded of forgiveness as i was doing my quiet time on the bus to meet you (i was to report to cmpb at 8 that morning and i overslept).

1 weeks ago, i was back on my feet buzzing around feeling excited about my free time before army and what i can do with it. there were times when my thoughts would wander, yes (i remember this time when i was playing football and i let my mind drift, and thought of you. in a flash, my man was gone; he had left me for dead and we nearly conceded from that loss of concentration of mine. that really hammered the message home for me and i said to myself: matt, keep your eyes on the ball), but i looked back and i reflected, and i came up with the one step forward and two steps back post, and i finally put the pieces together in my mind and came to my own conclusion about everything that happened. words that i had refused to hear made sense eventually and in the end, i knew that the inevitable would happen, and it wasn't that bad a thing after all.

this week, 7 weeks later, i finally got my answer and instead of anything, i'm glad for the full stop to this entire saga, although the night that we spoke, my mind was buzzing again, trying to make sense of what you said.

i questioned you about your dealing with your friends and you replied that you weren't close to those you of your friends anymore. have you ever pondered why? maybe it was exactly because of your actions? and more pertinently, my mind shot back, does not being as close as you used to be make them legitimate sacrifices then? you said that when you spoke to him in taiwan, you didn't expect anything out of it, except to not lose a friend. so why continually tell him to not let go, to not give up even when he was ready to?

then, there were things which you completely sidestepped, like if you were indeed in such an unpleasant position, why allow things to escalate in the first place? you knew damn well how he felt about you 6 months ago - i made sure of that, because i thought we weren't right for each other and told you to consider him, yet you said no, you said you wanted to try and sort our differences out - yet you did not choose to nip things in the bud, and if anything, encouraged him.

why did you get him to do the things that you did, knowing full well that he would surely go out of his way to get what you wanted because of how he felt about you? and then use that as excuse saying that he did so much for you. what was the point of us having that discussion about him (i said that i knew he liked you, but i'm not sure about how you felt about him. you replied that he's just a good friend, nothing more. and from then on i've never kicked up a fuss about you and him, even when you accompanied him to his dental, among other things) if you're going to do something like that anyway? you replied that you really needed what you got him to get urgently. i am unconvinced.

but what can i say? i guess getting one's own optical shop is a pretty big thing.

at this point i must admit that i was guilty of making use of his feelings for you too. when the rest of the guys wanted to fo ahead and book our air tickets to taiwan without you because you lost your passport, i made it clear that i wasn't going to get my tickets without you, and in oder to pressuer/convince them to wait and fyl to taiwan together, i told him about you losing your passport, and how it'd be better if you all traveled together. of course i was to be proven the fool, of course he already knew.

but the next morning, i simpy spent the entire morning playing music, and it was such joy. this week, 2 years after i left, i'm heading back to my primary school to help out there as well. i was supposed to go back last week, but i was simply too busy and so it was on the 7th week that i went back to my primary school. the children welcomed me the way they always did - like i have never left. pains in the neck though some of them may be, the majority of them are a pleasure to talk to. in particular, there was this boy who was always getting into trouble 2 years ago (although i like him alot; he is a smart boy, just mischevious, the pains are those who refuse to listen, yet are idiots), and now, 2 years later, he's grown up. able to complete his homework without fuss by himself and though still playful, stays out of trouble now, i am pleasantly surprised to see the change in him.

7 weeks later, Jerusalem was to be rebuilt, and restored.




i had quite a bit of trouble writing this entry because i couldn't find the diary that i had been faithfully logging in since the turn of the year, but after searching for a little while, i realised that i couldn't care less about thus diary anymore; i had first broken the rules. a diary is supposed to be private, a medium for personal reflection, reminisce and rumination. but against my better judgement, i allowed you, someone who had no business in my affairs, who would betray all my trust in you to read it. now, it is no longer private, nor is it personal. instead it is something which had been intruded upon, violated, something which can no longer serve its purpose, something that is not of any further use to me anymore.

morpheus said in the martix reloaded: tonight is not an accident. there are no accidents. we have not come here by chance. i do not believe in chance. when i see three objectives, three captains, three ships. i do not see coincidence, i see providence.

john locke, when he was back in time came across himself while he was in pain, lost at what he was to do next. he had done what he felt he was supposed to and yet he caused the death of boone, a friend. sawyer asked him why he wouldn't go on ahead and tell himself about what he knew now so that he could save himself a whole lot of pain, and mistakes. locke replied that he needed the pain to get to where he was today.

indeed, whatever happened happened for a reason - it is no accident, it is no coincidence - i needed this pain to get to where i would be getting to. i see providence.

this would be the last entry on this matter; it is a closed chapter (there would probably be something in the near future, only because that post's already been written, but i'm not quite done with it, not quite happy with it, so i have yet to publish it) and i've enjoyed probably my most prolific period for writing. i've never really enjoyed narratives, but in the instances that i had to resort to the said style, i thought i did reasonably well and conveyed myself rather clearly. i'm probably going to return to writing a few times a month, so there really is no need to come here so frequently anymore. i'm excited about how tumblr looks though, so i might come up with something. otherwise, life is falling back into place (all these in 7 weeks, again i do not believe that it is by chance that i'm back up on my feet so quickly) and like i said, i just want to reclaim my life. i'm surprised at just how open i am with regards to this matter, writing here and relating this to those my good friends (i probably left a few out, but it's just that i didn't get a chance to, and that they're just so busy with what they have on their plates i don't wish to trouble them), instead of just bottling everything up.

in the book men are from mars, women are from venus, john gray writes that when faced with trouble, men tend to ponder about things by themselves, solve their own problems and resent unsolicited advice, while women shared their sorrow and seek solace and support in each other. well through this entire incident, i think i've become a true blue earthling then, worthy of the half a girl tag that kellyn has given me.

it has been a long entry, as it has been a long 7 weeks for me. for those who are still here, a hearty 'hi' to you.

i was just trawling through youtube typing in random band names looking for some new stuff to listen to, something whoch i do when i get bored of my playlist. breath was what i found, an old song, by breaking benjamin and it summed up my 7 weeks nicely.

and thus i'll just let breaking benjamin take things away.


i see nothing in your eyes, and the more i see the less i like.

is it over yet, in my head?

i know nothing of your kind, and i won't reveal your evil mind.

is it over yet? i can't win.

so sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
i know that i can find the fire in your eyes.
i'm going all the way, get away, please.

[chorus:]
you take the breath right out of me.
you left a hole where my heart should be.
you got to fight just to make it through,
'cause i will be the death of you.

this will be all over soon.
pour salt into the open wound.

is it over yet? let me in.

take, take, take

i'm waiting, i'm fading, realize, start HATING!

[chorus:]
you take the breath right out of me.
you left a hole where my heart should be.
you got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.