desiderata

2012-01-02T23:19:00.000+08:00

my friends in LA they don't know where i've been for the past few years or so

well, it seemed appropriate that i should end 2011, in camp, doing guard duty since 2011 had been a year spent entirely in the army, being a soldier.

i was in the guard room, listening to the radio, as the host excitedly counted down from 2012, and when the moment came, 2012, my fellow guard remarked, 'no feeling eh?'.

to which i replied, 'i know right,' but hurried over to the rest room next door where there's a television set.

i was greeted by my guards were, in my opinion, determined to enjoy this moment, despite being stuck, as i was, in camp, doing duty. they were cheering, smiling, making the most of what they could, and the moment i entered, i was greeted with a cheerful 'happy new year!'.

i gave my guards 10 minutes to revel in the ushering in of 2012, some of them were on the phone, greeting their loved ones no doubt, before i pushed them off for the next shift of their duties.

such is life in the army. what must be done must be done, new year or not.

but what a year 2011 had been. saying that 2011 had been enjoyable would have been a stretch (i'm really glad that the year is gone), but 2011 wasn't without lessons and its silver linings.

life in the army is perhaps the most uncomfortable that i've ever been. i don't mean it in the physical sense per se (i used to NEED hot water to shower), but even mentally.

the physical demands of army are well-known, the long marched, heavy loads, lack of sleep, COLD SHOWERS (hahaha it took me a while to get used to that), the discomfit of being out in the field (which unfortunately for me, is somewhere that i find myself quite frequently), among others.

but the physiological aspects of dealing with NS are much more ambiguous. in the past, no matter what i did, i had (or at least i thought i had) a certain sort of self-assuredness, a kind of confidence in myself. even as i'm going through the worst storms, i could always tell myself that i'm better than that, and i always did.

but 2011 was the year that i felt depressed the most frequently, and there's little that one could do about it. the army decides for you, your vocation, your unit, your duties, your daily routine.

the marches are fine, the load is bearable, mud is just - mud - it doesn't hurt you, but it is the dread before all these that really messes one up.

booking in on sunday night is one of the most torturing times of the week, knowing that the week ahead promises plenty more uncomfortable moments, seeing the people around going about their daily lives, enjoying the last hours of the weekend, doing the simple things, totally oblivious to the struggle inside you.

i used to wonder why people would go AWOL, especially when the repercussions are severe.

but admittedly, there had been times this past year when going AWOL seemed so tempting.

the one thing that most people look most fondly back at NS is the companionship, and not without good reason, for we have found the best defense to combat the dread, and it is laughing at it, in spite of it, laughing at the face of shit that comes our way, together with the only other people who understand - those who are going through the exact difficulties as we are.

there was once when we had to literally crawl through a swamp, and as we were jumping in we were yelling, 'swamp si bo (swamp is it)?!'. crawling through a swamp sucks, have no doubt about it, and given a choice i wouldn't do it again, but somehow, it didn't seem so bad at that moment.

one thing though, that i hate more than anything else is being cold (no i'm not going on about cold showers still).

being cold outfield is one of the worst feeling ever, with your uniform damp from either perspiration and/or rain water and the chilly wind blowing against you - that sucks so damn much, and only those who are from the combat vocations, those who have to rough it out in the field would truly share my sentiment.

being a scout (one of the tougher vocations), posted in an active unit (the worst place one can go as an NSF), a 3rd sergeant (many say its that worst rank), i am terribly busy with life in camp. i book out on saturdays and book in on sundays (that is if i don't have weekend duties that week), my social life is non-existant, and i don't get to play nearly as much football as i would have liked, once a week if i'm lucky, i far cry from the days when i can play football everyday of the week, twice, if i'm lucky.

and i often wonder at my friends who are attached, how do they do it? we have so little free time of our own as it is, how do they find time for one another? and if their answer is with the time between saturday and sunday, how do they find time for their own interests? and the answer is normally that they don't.

one of the things that i like to do most during my book out time (apart of football of course), is to just chill out at home. almost everyday of the week i spend hustling and bustling in camp, and in my free time, all i want to do is to shut down, maybe play some starcraft, watch some movies, check out youtube.

and it is then that i'm really thankful that i'm don't have a girlfriend now, that i have my time for myself, that i don't have any obligations to fulfill to anyone when i book out.

but it is nice, to have someone to listen to you rant about the injustice of it all (believe me, there're plenty of injustice in the army), to share the pride for a job well done, just to have someone there for you, but it'd be terribly selfish of me, to want al these 'perks' of being attached while being reluctant to give up my football time.

and then, 2011 was the year that death becomes real to me. first, my uncle succumbed to throat cancer after a long battle. and then, my friend who is just a year older that i simply collapsed and died, and his death shook me.

i don't really want to write more about this matter, but i remember thinking, at my uncle's funeral:

what is life, that at the end of it all, all the deeds, the victories and defeats it all encapsulated in a wooden box, though handsome, yet is so small. my uncle had a larger than life kind of personality, yet even he, looked diminished.

the bright yellow chrysanthemum, the loud wailing music, the out-pouring of grief from the loved ones, sobbing - all juxtaposed sharply against my uncle who was lying serenely, smart in his black suit. so too the toddlers fidgeting in their mothers arms, blissfully unaware, smiling and cooing.

the only two people at the funeral who are oblivious to everything else are the one that life had just forsaken, and the one that life had just embraced.

one of the better things that happened over the past year is that i learnt how to drive, and my first ride is a benz j 4 wheel drive, and drivinf off road is sooo fun.

and then, close to the end of the year, there was you are the apple of my eye. best film this year. 'nuff said.

that was my 2011 (somewhat) i'm just writing down whatever comes to mind, and good life feels pretty apt to end everything with, since its been some kinda theme song to army for me.

you are the appl eof my eye

2011-12-22T20:26:00.001+08:00

成长, 最残酷的部分就是; 女孩永远比同年龄的男孩成熟女孩的成熟没一个男孩招架的住.

consider me gone

2011-11-20T21:59:00.003+08:00

a smile in an old photograph

there's something that hits so close to home, that feels so familiar. i know about this.

there's nothing that i can write here that had not already been written, but 22 years old, and there've been many lessons learnt, and this, must surely been one of the biggest, one of the most painful, but probably one of the most important.

life goes on

2011-10-25T23:32:00.004+08:00

talking to the man in the mirror

this time's different, you won't be back again

wow, we've gone from one record to another, and then the other. nickleback's new album is due to be released on the 21st of november, a day after my birthday, following the new albums of hinder, then theory of a deadman, with these 3 bands all being specially meaningful to myself.

wow, so many things has just gone and past, and here we are, my secondary school friend is about to get MARRIED in a couple week's time, but the sucky thing is that i've got to hear about this from the mouth of another friend, and till now, despite my best attempts to contact mr bridegroom, he is doing is best to avoid me, for some reason only heaven knows.

and wow, there'd been so many crossroads that was at, so many decisions that i'd made, not all of them good ones, and here i am.

one of them, particularly, have been around my head recently, one of the first decisions that i had to make in my life - the secondary school to go to, specifically, nanhua secondary or bpghs.

most of my friends went to nanhua, which was a straightforward choice for them, in my opinion, since it is a school similar to my alma mater peihwa (i mean, even their names are alike).

both schools for formally chinese-ed, and therefore had a predominantly chinese student demographic.

my best friend in primary school, a friend that i kept in touch with all the way until poly, despite him going to the jcs, until he went to the army, when it became really difficult (and it is only until now when i'm going through the same thing that i understood why). many of my friends went there, and the quasi-almost girlfriend that i had (shall not say more), she went there too.

and i often wonder what it would be like if i went to nanhua too.

nanhua didn't offer literature as accessibly as bpghs did, so i, in all likelihood, wouldn't have taken literature. nanhua definitely didn't have the terrifying mr osgodby, so i would probably not have gotten the jolt of terror needed to get me of my ass to haul up my miserable english grades, to start writing, and would probably be a more science-y kinda guy, maybe gone to the jcs, played football in the 'a' division and did ok there, gone to ns at 19, ord-ed and now in ntu doing engineering.

i'd have been in the same school as my best friend, shared a similar route of advancement (for lack for better term, you know, i've been in the army, steadily growing more stupid), and, fingers crossed, we'd still be the best of buddies till now.

as for the girl, well we'd have seen alot more of each other, that's for sure, and though the odds would be pretty long for us to still be together now, i'd never have met estella had i gone to nanhua, and i still wonder if it is a good or bad thing indeed.

one thing's for sure though, had i gone to nanhua, i'd not be friends with mr bridegroom, and i sure as hell would not be sitting here by my phone anxiously waiting for a reply or a call to my sms and missed call that is never going to come. i've been trying to get him since june, and i'm starting to get really annoyed.

but hell, i've come to resolution to put to bed all these 'parellel universe' a la LOST kind of wondering. as the records above prove, the favoured saying in the army is indeed very true - life goes on.

you can get the worse absoutle shit, duties on the weekends, sucky vocations, shit commanders, placed in absoute nightmarish situations, but guess what?

life goes on.

so get off your ass, quit whining, and move on.

because life will go on either way.

and hence, i'm going to heed my own advice, it's time to snap back to reality, and move on with life.

oh, and it helps to have great music from the above-mentioned bands too.

the one that got away

2011-10-09T19:26:00.005+08:00

talked about our future like we had a clue

it's been a long long time since i've last wrote here, since i've last written anything at all. i do miss writing.

but perhaps this is all for the better, with not many people (if at all) still reading me.

there've been some thoughts floating around in my head lately, but i just haven't gotten the time nor discipline to coalesce them into something meaningful.

the army, as the saying goes, turns boys into men. and their method to such an end?

the army takes away many, many things that i took for granted, and the result? someone who looks at shit right in the face, with dread, but with the resilience to pull through nonetheless.

having said that, i do miss dearly many things that i had.

i miss going to school, learning.
i miss playing football, so much.
i miss home.

i miss having someone that i can talk to, to whine and rant to through the tough times, a listening ear who wouldn't judge, but be there for me, unreservedly.
someone whom i can just call at the end of a shitty day/week and share my joys and frustrations.

all these i once had, and now, having lost them, i've realised just how precious and valuable they all are, and in here, perhaps, lies the greatest lesson that the army is teaching me: the things that we - i - have taken for granted, the simple things, they are not cheap and they do not come free. treasure them.

my words came back to haunt me recently, when someone said that he wastes time with his children because he cares for them, because he wants to spend time with them, because he wants to build the relationship that they share together.

he goes on to elaborate about how it is not actually a waste of time wasting time with his children.

those words struck me hard, because i was reminded of my words about what i deemed a waste of my time.

how darn wrong was i.

but this was a mistep that i had to take, an experience to go through, for me to learn and grow up, and one day, when i get those things that have been taken away from me, i'd learn to treasure them.

2011-03-20T22:10:00.000+08:00

i've had just enough time

About 9 weeks ago, I left BMT, and then I wrote that things would be the same old, same old once again even after POP.

I was wrong.

8 weeks ago, I went to SCS and that, began the 8 weeks that I’d enjoyed the most in the army thus far.

What an 8 weeks it had been, the experiences, the tough training, the high expectations and most memorably, the friendships forged in spite and because of all that we’d been through together.

I’d said this to my section mates before, and I’m not ashamed to say it again: Mike Platoon 1 Section 1 is the best section that I’d been in, and the section in which I enjoyed myself the most.

To all who said that SCS is slack, I’d reply that they’re but half-right. Whenever the training timetable allowed, we were given the freedom that commanders are entitled to, but when it came to training, well, SCS is the furtherest thing from slack.

Try handling – and firing – grenade and rocket launchers, and then having to advance even as other are firing behind you, try trekking with a matador strapped to your back while advancing up a knoll with your section doing fire and movement during field camp, try digging a shellscrape in the dark, try route marching 28km through the night (although the actual distanced that we marched was more like 32km), try being appointed platoon commander during field camp. And then try completing all of these while meeting the standards that my enchik had set for us.

It would be difficult to forget my first day in SCS when we did a 3km orientation run around the camp. Enchik wasn’t impressed because we failed to run in step, and he simply got us to run the entire 3km all over again. Equally unforgettable were the runs up and down the knoll, re-doing our harbouring drill thrice, oh and collecting the platoon’s field pack on the knoll, running up and down in the darkness. Every sinew in my body screamed in protest with every step that I took, and every breadth was a battle; torturous. Try forgetting all of that.

Yet of all the commanders that I’ve had, my enchik is the one whom I respect the most. He demanded high standards frim us, but demonstrated his very own demands through his conduct. He wanted us to work hard, and he worked twice as hard to “generate success” for us.

He was the one who appointed me to lead in one of the most tough and demanding settings, during filed camp, despite my initial apprehension and reluctance, and when he was speaking to you, you could always feel his genuine concern.

What a commander, and it ever, I were to march out to war, surely I would want to be under his command, bar none.

And now, after 8 weeks, after being posted out to 3 SIR alone, I’m missing my buddies, and all the ridiculous things that we used to do together.

I’ve known these guys but for about 4 months at most, yet despite it sounding trite, the victories and defeats; joys and frustrations that we went through together created in us a camaraderie that cannot be easily replicated.

Friends like ck (hey, I didn’t forget you this time round), nam, nelson and ivan (what a shame it is that he didn’t come to SCS) are people whom I hope would continue to be in my life long after army.

But honestly, everyone in section 1 contributed into the happy recollection it is to me.

Shah, the guardsman, with all his gung-ho mindset and the other Ivan, who is our adorable teddy bear. Timo is mr sensible even when everyone around us are losing their heads, Sengchuan is our resident Malaysian gangster and Sheldon – Mr fitness who always thinks himself fat.

I remember Mingyiu saying, in his own words, at the start of our course that his goal was simply “to not fuck up like I did in BMT”. And wow, what a top, top guy Ming had been. Responsible, enthusiastic, always volunteering to do the shittiest jobs that no one wants to do, all of which he did in his quite, unassuming and understated manner. A brilliant guy, one so changed from the Mingyiu that I knew in BMT.

Boey is the one always urging us to complete the tasks that we were set on time, otherwise, we would simply leave everything to the last minute. Ck is positivity personified, always attempting to lift the morale of everyone up and is our most reliable song leader. Nelson has to be the neatest guy that I’ve ever met, a perfectionist in my books, although he resents that label. Jon claims to be bisexual, and his ceaseless hit ons on Nelson is always incredibly entertaining. Nam had been my buddy since BMT, and his attempts at acting blur in order to avoid ASLC (or the infantry professional-term) were hilarious. Suren can start a conversation in an empty room, so imagine the amount of chatter that he brings to the section and Hongkoon, oh he is the Don Juan of our section; the contents of his numerous phone calls to various girls every night are, ahem, shall we say – colourful.

These are the people who got me through BSLC (or foundation term as they like to call it now). Near the end of BSLC, during our final interview with enchik, he praised me for my good performance during BSLC. In fact, I did unexpectedly well, and I was puzzled. I said to enchik that I didn’t feel that I did well at all – I dreaded booking in, struggled to motivate myself and while knowing the importance of NS, found it difficult assimilate that knowledge into my actions. I remember always feeling really moody every time I have to book in, but whenever I walk into the bunk sulking, the guys would always crack a joke, say something funny, and things would seem so much less gray with these guys around. Similarly, the motivation to complete whatever difficult situations that we were in, to not fall out, was simply the guys beside me. I didn’t want to let them down, I didn’t want to become a burden, I simply wanted to finish well alongside my brothers.

Despite our weariness, we helped each other with the matador during field camp. There was this time, during the second circuit that we embarked on for the day, someone asked for help with the matador, and I said I’d take it although I was literally dragging my feet by then. At that moment, the importance of NS didn’t matter, the fragile nature of our prosperity didn’t matter, geopolitics didn’t’ matter, all that mattered was my friend who needed my help.

Really, words fail me, and I struggle to describe that feeling, that emotion that pushes you on, that makes the pain on your friend’s face so unbearable and I can’t even begin to explain how it was really these guys that got me through all the difficult times.

And now that I’m pulled out of such a section and placed into a new unit, into what many are saying to be a difficult course, I feel a little inundated by all of these changes and challenges. It’s like I’ve been going through endless changes, ever since BMT, and the moment that I’m beginning to settle, it’s time to post out, it’s time to move along, it’s time to change. And after a while, it does get tiring. I look ahead of me and I see a difficult and winding road, and I look around me for these group of people; I see strangers and I feel my motivation dissipate.

Still, I’m going to try my best at earning my jungle hat, might as well try and get something out of NS right? Fast marches, heavy load, long treks (60km for our summation exercise), prisoner of war treatment, navigation, lack of rest and sleep, and the stress that I have to undergo, I think I can get through it. And then, there’s my God, who has never forsaken me. In Him, I am secure, come what may.

So to all of you, my friends, all of you in the army, strive on. We're are going through this ordeal together but we're are all going to ORD come September next year. And I’ll be seeing you guys soon.

.

reflections during guard duty and many thank yous

2011-01-16T21:25:00.002+08:00

if we can't find where we belong, we've to make it on our own

Guard duty on a glorious Saturday in the midst of my block leave. So here I am, bored out of my wits and thus, I decided to get pen and paper to jot down some of my thoughts.

‘Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning,’ so bellowed Sir Winston Churchill so famously once upon a time.

Yet this was exactly how I felt, still do, at POP after my 24km route march. Somehow, the tossing of my cap into the gorgeous morning sky back dropped against the stunning Marina bay skyline didn’t quite measure up to how I imagined it would be in my head.

Perhaps the glee that I envisioned was diluted after the countless rehearsals under the sweltering sun in the Tekong parade ground – so very nondescript and sparse – where we were not allowed to toss our caps into the sky, but we still insisted in shouting ‘POP LO’ after every single rehearsal nevertheless.

But more likely, it was the feeling that it is just going to be the same old, same old in a week’s time - nothing but the end of the beginning – that sobered me.

Nonetheless, POP does mark the end of my 2010, a year of changes and upheavals, of discovery and the growth that resulted from it, and of great new adventures.

Year 2010 started on a high for me and I felt invincible then for 2009 had ended well for me. I was doing relatively well at school (by my standards) without really putting in much effort at all, I was seen as a capable and responsible student by my lecturers (or so I was told), had a bunch of really good friends who really made campus life very much an enjoyable affair.

I worked hard for my FYP, but I had amazing groupmates who were with me every single step of the way, who worked even harder than I, whose toil I borrowed to achieve my distinction for FYP with the honour of being the best speaker and later in October, win the best paper award a the 9th NCOO. And for all these, I must unreservedly thank Zhunhong, Kellyn and Jiasheng.

Zhunhong was a rock as our leader. He and I wrote the majority of the one hundred and thirty odd pages of our report together and things would have been so much more arduous without such an able co-writer. Also, Zhunhong was the one who dealt with the statistical aspect of our study the most, with formulas that confounded us all.

Kellyn was our resident graphic designer who took great pride in the aesthetics of the presentation of our projects. Graphs, tables, images, everything that looked good on our slides must have been the result of her Midas touch and everything that didn’t look good – well there wasn’t anything that didn’t look good.

Jiasheng, well, Jiasheng would buy us paus and siewmais when we were hungry.

But honestly, every single one of us worked so very hard. We came back to school on numerous Saturdays till SP closed, spent hours pouring over volumes of literature, and more hours still attempting to make sense of our data. Night after night of editing and re-editing of out report, and countless mornings and afternoons garnering responses for our study and we came out of all these as better friends, and I do not remember a single instance in which we quarreled.

Thank you, guys (and one girl).

I also need to thank our supervisor Mrs Tan, who work equally as hard as us, giving us suggestions to work around our limitations and overcoming the many obstacles that we were faced with, but mot importantly, she always encouraged us. Even when we were so hopelessly clueless as to what we were supposed to do next, even when we were faced with seemingly insurmountable challenges, Mrs Tan kept us going.

In spite of all these good things, all isn’t well. I grew proud at my own small achievements. I struggled to find the time and motivation to even go to church, let alone do my personal daily devotion.

But hey, what’s there to fear? I was invincible.

I needed to be brought back to earth, and the jolt that resuscitated me came in the form of the betrayal of two people whom I so innocently willed myself to believe just when I was to graduate from SP.

The betrayal was a slap to my face, but the thing about slaps to faces is that while painful, they often wake you up from a stupor that you’ve fallen into.

I’ve been too proud to recognize the poison that had insidiously crippled me so completely, and the sooner that I purge it, the better.

And I’m really thankful for the people who helped me greatly through a rather rough time for myself, but one person that I really want to thank once again is Jason. In spite of his insane schedule, he took time out for me, gave me perspective and agreed to teach me the guitar without a moment of hesitation. Jason has always been someone that I looked up to greatly, and really, he was my role model when I resolved to rein in my volatile temper. Marriage saw Jason shift his priorities (as he should) and being a soon-to-be father would eat up even more of his time, but I thank God for placing him, a big brother that I’ve never had, in my life.

I tired to make full use of my time after graduation. I went to Thailand and Taiwan with my SP friends, went back to Peihwa to teach the care junction students, and even found the time to help a couple of friends prepare for their ‘O’ levels.

My trips to Cambodia and Chiangmai made me realize that despite leaving in a puff four years ago, I could still return to the church where I grew up in, and the people whom I grew up with would still receive me with wide smiles and open arms. So thank you, those of you who were on the trips (there’re too many for me to name here), the warmth that you guys showed was greatly appreciated. To be totally honest, after the trips I feel kind of drawn back to Glory Pres.

And then there’re the fun times gym-ing, running, swimming, eating entire chickens and getting our army gear with Jiasheng, Jordon, Bingsheng and Joseph. Those times are always incredibly funny and enjoyable as we prepared to enlist as soldiers together.

And then, of course, there’s army.

Just a quick digression, a truncated version of my essay that we were all supposed to hand up can be found here:
http://www.mindef.gov.sg/imindef/mindef_websites/atozlistings/army/microsites/bmtgrad/define_moment/essay1C.html

How can I even begin describing what the army is like? But I guess I can finally empathise with the grouses of those who’ve been through national service. But I’m so glad that I met some really good people in my platoon with whom we got through everything together, but Kimnam, Ivan and Nelson in particular were such brilliant section mates.

This feels lopsided, but my shift is about to start soon once again, and this was thrown together rather haphazardly but I really do want to show my appreciation for the people mentioned above, you know who you are.

That was my 2010, 2011 will belong to the army, but more encouragingly, 2011 will belong to God.

2010-12-05T12:20:00.004+08:00

anything that's worth having

booked out at 8 yesterday, booking in today at 9, and we are instucted to write and essay. where got time. but still, it is writing, something which i enjoy, so it still isn't all that bad. here's what i managed to conjure in a little over 30 minutes, trying to make full use of the time that i have available, and i decided that i would past it here too, since i haven't written much here, probably won't be doing so for some time still.

My defining moment in BTM

BMT, to me, is many things. It is a source of both excitement and dread, a furnace where friendship and brotherhood is forged, a strange concoction agony and amazement; pain and pride that swells inside of me every time I pull through difficult times together with my platoon.

Nonetheless, one moment - I feel – is quintessentially BMT, and that moment is the parade in which I was presented my rifle.

I was presented my rifle on my third or forth day in BMT (time dose has a habit of warping altogether in here), and I was awakened early in the morning, absolutely clueless as to what was happening, before being marched to the parade ground near the ferry terminal, from which I could gaze at the shores of Singapore mainland, the place that I missed so, my home.
“With this rifle I will defend my country,” was what I was instructed to shout, and that was exactly what I bellowed when I collected my rifle, without truly understanding what it meant.
I’ve now come to a little more comprehension about what defending my country entails, and it is epitomised by my rifle.

Defending my country is to defend my home, my way of life - it is to defend my loved ones, and it is a weight that every Singaporean son has to take up on his shoulders: it is our duty.
So too is my rifle: a load slung over my shoulder, and one never does realise just how heavy the rifle really is until one has to carry it on a road march, much alike how one can never truly recognise the true gravity of the burden of both defending one’s home until BMT.
Defending my way of life calls for sacrifice, even if it is cumbersome and at times bothersome, requiring my to alter the lifestyle that I’ve grown accustomed to over the past twenty years, give up my time, and disrupting my studies. In a like manner, my rifle seems more like a curse than a gift during IOC, bulky and unintuitive, like a sluggish and awkward extra limb that sprouted spontaneously out of my chest. Worst of all was digging a shell-scrape with a rifle slung across my back, digging into my flesh with every corresponding plunge of my excavating blade into the soil.

My rifle has to be with my at all times, placed over my shoulder as I consume my ration, slung over my as I use the latrine, and ever tied around my hand, beside me when I sleep. Similarly, defending my loved ones is my cause for everything that I do in BMT. From training to be physically fit, to training to be proficient in urban operations, to being lectured on the technical aspects of my SAR 21 rifle, to being lectured by my commanders on the discipline that is required from all soldier – just like how my rifle is always to be with me, my conviction to defend those whom I claim to love is the very foundation and motivation for everything that I do in BMT.

Just like how every Singaporean son has to take up his duty to serve and protect his nation that has given him and his family much, everyone of us here has to pick up our rifles, sling it across our backs and form up - chins up, shoulders squared and backs straight, ready.
I still do not grasp the full implication of defending my country, and the significance of the parade that day, the day when I was presented my rifle. I do, however, intend to experience more, and learn more as BMT goes on, and even beyond, even after I pass out of BMT.

pre-ns reflections II

2010-11-04T22:53:00.004+08:00

i normally wouldn't say this, but i just can't contain this

today i shaved my head and last friday, i pretty much completed and put a full stop to all of the commitments that i've taken on in my pre-national service 9 months.

friday saw me round up my lessons with the girls who i've been coaching for the past few months, inform my supervisor that i'll not be going down to peihwa anymore and that i've going to take a well-deserved rest before i enlist in a week's time, and lastly, i completed my presentation at ncoo.

what a 9 months it has been, and now, i'm almost at the closing of this chapter of my life and even as i wonder at what the future has in store for me, and marvel at all that i've been brought through, i feel both a sense of reluctance to step once again into the great unknown, and also a sense of excitement.

truly, i've been blessed greatly. when i first decided that i was not going to work at an optical shop , i reasoned with myself that money was not my objective in this period of time, instead i wanted to make full use of my time.

what is amazing is on top of the invaluable experiences that i've gleaned, God has blessed me bountifully as well.

my supervisor surprised me last friday with news that she's gotten for me a $200 love gift to thank me for my time there with the children, on top of my pay for my last month there.

and then, at ncoo, despite me struggling to juggle my preparations for the presentation and as well as for my chiangmai trip, i was awarded the best paper, and accordingly, another $200 cash prize. i remember the week before i was to fly off filled with emails, edits, consultations, even as i was tied down with my other commitments at school, tuition, and my chiangmai trip preparations (starcraft 2 too, haha, but i really played very little that week). but really, i'm so grateful for the people who've been placed around me. from my lecturer who is ever so open and willing to give me a helping hand with any of my queries, to a great friend in bingsheng, who despite me being one of his competitors, helped me greatly with my poster, emailing me his template because he knew that i've only just gotten back from thailand, helping me print and collect it, and in general, being a very good friend. and then, of course, all the hard work that had already been poured into the project by my fyp groupmates, all of which i borrowed in order to have been successful.

and at my last lesson with the girls, someting which i said i would do for free, i was given a sum of money as appreciation.

all the money combined probably would still be nowhere near what i can earn in a month at an optical shop, but seriously, how do you even attempt to quantify everything else that i've learnt and gained in monetary terms? i'm just thankful for all that i've been blessed with, and indeed, my cup overflowth.

i'd like to end with a somewhat truncated version of what i said to my students at the end of our last lesson on friday.

i said that after all of our toils, there comes a point when we can only do so much, and that is the point when we simply have to let go, and simply commit everyting to God. and then i asked if i could pray for the both of them.

and this is where i am now, at the cusp of a altogether new and unknown chapter of my life, at the threshold of a great advanture. i can only do so much, my strength is only so limited, and therefore, i simply commit everything into my God's hand, the very God who has blessed me so abundantly. and this is my prayer.

pre-ns reflections

2010-10-24T00:37:00.002+08:00

i believe in miracles... does that make me crazy?

someone said to me to make full use of my time before army; it is highly unlikely that i'd get another extended period of time like that, to be carefree and simply be able to do whatever it is that i want to without any repercussions.

try as i might, i just can't quite remember who it was who said this to me, but this person sure made good sense.

instead of whinging about how long i have to wait to get enlisted, making full use of my time was exactly what i tried to do.

to be totally honest, i can't wait for army to come, simply because i'd like to write the closing chapters of my pre-national service days and move on to the next stage of life and the victories and the defeats that life has in stall for me. i've deferred national service for a long, long time already - i should have gone in 2 year earlier - and now, national service is something that i have to complete before i can head to university and just get on with life.

i've said so many times that i might just do something crazy after uni, something like go to africa as a missionary - i don't know - but who knows, maybe somewhere nearer, thailand maybe, for a year after graduation? that's something that i surely would not rule out. so i'm quite excited about what the future has in stall for me, and so, really, i can't wait to get national service done with and out of the way.

that is not to say that i feel that national service is a waste of time. i understand what singapore has given me, an education, first-world living conditions, a by and large meritocratic system that has not disadvantaged me just because of my parents income. most importantly, singapore has given me a place where i can go to church, where i can read my bible in public, where God can be taught without persecution. singapore is not the perfect country, and PAP sure is not the perfect political party. but they've done a good enough job, and have given me much. and if all that i've taken, all that my family has been given, requires 2 years of my time, then i feel that my time is well spent indeed.

coming back after a long digression, as i'm coming to the end of my time before national service, here are some reflections about how i've spent my time, and i do believe that i have spent my time wisely, to do the things that i've wanted to, things that i've not gotten a chance to, and tried my darnest to make every second count.

there've been some realy big things happening since i graduated, and in this time, i've grown up so, so much. i will not go into detail here about everything - it doesn't do justice to 9 months of lessons to concise all of it into a short piece of writing, and some things i'm still on the path of discovery and awe and amazment.

some of the highlights include cambodia and chiangmai - the people that i've gotten to re-know, me going back to my piano and not stopping, picking up the guitar, teaching the primary children and having the time for old friends whom i've not had the time to see for so long a time.

and of course, i can't leave this out, the whole saga with peiyu immediately after graduation.

i had thought that the whole episode was a big lesson for me, but no, how wrong and limited am i indeed.

there was so much more that i was to learn, there was so much more that i was to experience, so much more that i was to discover but in order for all that to come to past, peiyu HAD to happen, this much is clear to me now.

for those who know me well enough, pride is a big problem for me. i'm far too arrogant about my abilities and to others, i come across as someone who always thinks that he is right. problem is, i feel that i am usually right.

i was in one of my invincible phases back in feburary, had been for some time before already, and i had to be reminded of just how helpless i really am.

indeed, i had to end my compromise, and instead, re-direct my energies and focus back to the God who brought me out of year 2006. my God.

who was i kidding anyway, stubbornly holding onto something that i knew would not last anyhow (comeon, peiyu and me? anyone who had enough sense would recognise that it would not have worked out, and i thank thoue who were good enough friends to point that out to me), whatever for? pride.

"just who does that slimy bugger think he is to just be able to go behind my back and take what is mine," i thought, "this kind of things don't happen to guys like me.".

ah, but what kind of guy am i really? a wretch. everything that i have has been given to me, so how can i boast in things that isn't mine? how can i thump my chest and think myself great when i possess nothing? i cannot.

and this was the reminder that i needed before i could "spend my time wisely" this past 9 months.

no matthew, it is not all about you.

and it is only when i realised this fact that i could begin to understand and discover.

cambodia was important for various reasons. i woke up an hour early one day in cambodia because i'm always too lazy to change to the local time, instead believing that i'm smart enough to mentally substract the time difference (see, see, so proud). so while i was just reflecting then, when i realised that the entire saga never once came into my mind ever since i got there, and i could no longer muster the sharp sense of disgust nor the bitter taste of betrayal anymore. instead, i was reminded of the kind of girl that i should be going for. among other things, she ought to be someone i can have a conversation with, someone who can actually speak english (with all due respect, i'm not bashing anyone about english standards - mine isn't all that good too - but really, i'm just more comfortable in english, especially when i'm trying to be very frank and express myself accurately). oh and it helps if she is gorgeous too.

thailand was where i really saw how missionaries work, and just how fortunate i am here in singapore to be able to learn about my God since i was a kid, and just how much i had taken it for granted. i cannot write all my experiences in chiangmai here simply becaues there would be so much to write about, but i do think that most of it is safely recorded down in my notebook, and for now, that would suffice.

however, both trips really put into question my defination of home. on both trips i met people whom i know. people whom i had known for long, long time. and indeed, nothing, nothing can replicate this feeling of familiarity, and dare i say it, family, even after my 4 year absence.

and so, this is a short summary of everything that i had learnt in these past months, more for myelf than anything. i'd have liked to be able to write in more detail, and included more, but i'm really tired now, and i think this shall suffice for now.

2010-09-26T23:09:00.000+08:00

time has come for me to change my ways

temper, temper, temper.

today in service, i came across this verse in the bible from the book of james.

with the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. my brothers, this should not be.
james 3:9-10

now, i'd like to think that i'm generally quite an easy-going enough person and that i don't throw tantrums around nor lose my temper too easily.

but for those who've known me long enough, they'd have seen the other side of me when i'm riled up and my taturms are as bad as they come.

few things bring out the worse in me as frequently as football; for better or for worse, i'm a different person off and on the pitch. i'm generally a aggressive player, but i've been trying really hard to tamper my short fuse on the pitch. there came a point when i just got sick of getting into trouble with both the referees and even my friends because i was unable to tame my tongue, and also, i realised that i'm not being a good testimony with my words.

today was kind of a victory and a defeat, and i really just want to write this down just so that i will keep an even tighter reign on my tongue and live in accordance to what i claim to believe in.

i played 2 games today, one in the morning and the other in the evening.

my friend was playing keeper in the first game which we lost by a rather unfair margin because of some comical/horrific (choice of adjective will depend on which team one is rooting for) goal keeper from this friend of mine. he flapped at crosses, rushed off his line to catch air, got beaten at his near post, fluffed his clearances, and being a clown in general.

and i was so frustrated at his antics that when asked about how long he's been playing as a keeper (because everyone was shocked at how ridiculously bad he was), i replied thoughtlessly.

he's been playing there for years. he just has no bloody talent.

i played rather well in the second game, spraying passes around, getting my shots on target, winning my challenges. so well, perhaps, that the opponent was kicking me all over the field. late lunges, shoves in the back, kicks to the shin, all these i took without so much a word of dissent, choosing to keep my mouth shut, my head in the game and let the referee deal with the incriminations.

but after i was brought down for the umpteenth time, this guy shouted to the referee saying that i've been diving the whole game.

i should have known better than to react to such provocations (i've won a free kick after all) but at the point, i snapped.

despite being kicked all around, i was keeping my temper in check, but at such an unfair accusation, all my irk boiled over.

'shut the fuc- up' was my reply, word for word, syllable for syllable.

it was a good thing that even in that moment of madness, i self-censored, because i'd most likely have gotten sent off otherwise.

still, the referee called me over, cautioned me for my language and booked me nonetheless.

i argued that i didn't swear but the referee still saw fit to book me, marring what was a good game for myself.

indeed, how can a spring give both clean water, and foul water? either a spring has clean water, or it doesn't.

this entry is thrown together rather haphazardly and i'm really tired now. but i really just want to remind myself that my temper and my tongue, i have to tame.

i'm in the mood for something loud, so people, this is alterbridge with metalingus. goodnight.

2010-09-12T00:46:00.000+08:00

please don't waste my time

it is kind of sobering to come to the realisation that in exactly 2 more months, i'd have to surrender the life that i'm enjoying so much now and become a soldier.

i'm not exactly dreading national service, but it's just that i've grown so accustomed to having so much freedom to do what i want to with not a care in the world - not even school - that the prospect of having to give up all that is quite a downer.

there're quite a few things that i'm looking forward to in these last few months of freedom that are really quite exciting, but one thing that i've been inspired to do is to spring-clean my life.

my laptop had been crawling around lately, and sometime last week, i thought enough was enough and proceeded to take time out to just clear out the trash.

old files, programmes that i no longer use, and a whole lot of junk was littered all over my computer, and that was what was causing all the lag.

junk had to be cleared, resources organised, files backed up, and after all that is done, i defragged my hard drive and the end result now is a smoother running laptop that i'm quite pleased with.

it is quite amazing how things - dead wood especially - have a habit of piling up the moment one isn't looking.

and this is what i'd like to do with my life before handing my freedom over to the army - i want to clear out the junk, re-organise my resources and have a smoother running machine as a result of such a clear-out.

junk like poisonous attitudes and relationships who waste precious time and energies much alike how old files take up space on the hard-drive and use up the system's ram have to be deleted. also, i'd much like to re-organise the things that i do enjoy and not have them all over the place.

a few areas that i do wish to focus on.

to clean up physically. i do think that i've been sitting on my bum a little too comfortably ever since i've started playing starcraft 2 and i can even start to feel the lack of sharpness when i play football. there's this saying that i really like, that you keep fit to play football; not play football to keep fit.

to clean up / re-organise emotionally. well, actually this is more of a re-organisation than a clean up. i've known people who are very much a waste of time and energies, people who are, to put things quite bluntly, junk. and people like that ought to be deleted. nonetheless, i do feel sometimes that some people whom i once considered good friends are very much taking our friendship for granted, despite the importance that i placed our friendship. a re-organisation calls for people are less important to be well, less important, and people who do mean somethings more, well i do wish to have a bit more time for them, especially before i enlist.

also, i do think that i need to rid myself of some negative attitudes that has been perpetrated. favouritism to my children is something that i struggle alot with, with me showing double standards to children i'm fond of. then there's the wishing ill of others out of jealously, out of covetedness and the urge to seek vengence for what i deem the wrongs dealt to myself. unforgiveness. all these are things that i do want to clear out because they don't serve any good at all. in fact, i reckon these insidious attitudes do far more harm to myself than what other people could muster.

and then, i do wish to re-organise my time a little better, to have more time to do the things that i enjoy - football, reading, writing, my guitar, the piano, starcraft 2, working out, my teachings, my children, my friends, while also balancing my commitments.

2 more things that i wich to clear out though, is a less pragmatic, a little more symbolic.

first, i do think that this blog is a little bloated with senseless writings and i intend to delete the posts that i deem "senseless", though the reasonable and more cognitive posts will be preserved.

and secondly, i've started deleting friends off facebook, people who are not quite "friends", though if you're reading this, you're probably very much a friend and shouldn't be seeing a blank page on facebook.com/tamatthew anytime soon.

2 more months people, that's all that i've got left. see you guys real soon.

causality vs karma

2010-09-10T21:18:00.004+08:00

the club can't even handle me right now

someone once told me that he believes in karma, that what goes around comes around. i didn't reply then, but i do not believe in that.

the philosophy that i'm more inclined to agree with is aristotle's view of causality, of cause and effect.

i'm not particularly convinced that there is a superior consciousness that goes around bestowing blessings according to the 'good' that one has accumulated, and conversely, to mete out retribution with respect to the 'bad' that one has committed.

now this might seem contradictory to my christian faith of there being a supreme God of omnipotence, omniscience and omnipresence, but i believe that aristotle's philosophy actually reconciles the free will of man to such a all-powerful God.

what we will become, is actually determined by the choices that we make.

a simple example would be a drug trafficker who got caught and is consequentially sentenced to death.

one way to explain this would be that for the countless lives that he had destroyed by fueling and exploiting the enslavement of the addicts for his own gain, karma has finally caught up with him and thus deemed it justice to deal a death sentence. but the flaw of such a line of reasoning, in my humble opinion is that it take away free will of the trafficker. yes, he chose to traffic drugs, but the situation that he ultimately finds himself in is not his to decide. it was imposed upon him by a higher being berefting him of free will.

instead, i choose to look at this is terms of cause, and effect. action, and consequence, with the two inherent in each other, tightly wound around each other that it is impossible to separate the 2. ergo, the ultimate consequence of the trafficker being hanged is intrinsic in the choice to traffic drugs itself. hence, in choosing to traffic drugs, actually chose his own end as well. cause , and effect.

now this is not to say that all drug traffickers would be hanged, the world is not as clear-cut as that. nonetheless, there is a consequence to our every action, they are all significant, and while the effects may be conspicuous at times, at others, they are much less apparent.

therefore, the way that we exercises our free will actually determines our destiny. simple cause and effect.

i'm going on so much about this because i've been trying to constantly remind myself to make the right choices. despite appearances, despite how all good and well one might appear, it means nothing if one mkes bad choices, because bad choices are the causes of bad effects. well one can reason to say that he'd find happiness if he were to steal something from someone else, and the immediate effect of his actions is that he finds happiness. but what of the consequences that are slower to come?

the drug trafficker would have enjoyed years of prosperity before finally getting caught.

take for example wayne rooney. let's turn back the clock to 6 months ago, maybe a little more. he was THE MAN. rooney was the man who simply could not stop scoring (when the press gave him the title, they weren't quit talking about his exploits with a particular miss thompson i do think), he is married to his childhood sweetheart, his firstborn - a son named kai - had just been born, he was tipped for the ballon d'or and he was earning ton lots of money.

i mean, what more could you ask for?

now, rooney is struggling for form, and is one of the most chastised man probably in the world for his affair with a prostitute while his wife was pregnant.

this is probably too simplistic a view, but it does essentially dipicts the law of cause and effect. despite how things might have appeared 6 months ago, by making bad choices, we're actually choosing bad effects for ourselves.

and this is why i've been reminding myself to be mindful of my actions and choices even when it might appear that i'm fighting a losing battle at a mighty disadvantage, always trying to the best of my ability to be a nice guy, meek and gentle.

so what if the club can't even handle me RIGHT NOW? because in case you have not noticed, right now is transient. and the thing about transient is that it does not last.

better than that

2010-09-06T22:23:00.001+08:00

脱离地心引力的热情

this is simply my favorite song from jay chou off his new album. wonderful lyrics that are actually really deep and with a real catchy tune to boot. altogether a really cool song and it kinds of ties in really nicely with today's entry.

脱离地心引力的热情

ok so transiting from something that is cool to something a little more nerdy, i've been playing a bit of starcraft 2 on the ladder recently, and when i do get to meet my friends who play the game too, we can simply just sit there talking about different strategies. very fun game indeed.

i'm a terran through and through, have been since the starcraft 1 and brood wars days when i played VERY casually, so it does kind of sucks that the siege tanks, one of my most used units, are getting nerfed. but i do think that it is kind of reasonable. but thank goodness the marauders are still intact.

like i said, i've been playing abit on the ladder (my username is metaphor by the way, which is actually a brilliant suggestion by jordon. matt ta 4, understand?), and i've just been promoted to the gold league, yay.

gold was my target for myself when i first started playing on the ladders anyway - nice and snug in the middle, so i'm reasonably satisfied about my placing in the gold league, and i'm hovering consistently within the top 10 in my division, so that's cool.

the thing about starcraft 2 is that there are just so many things to do at every single moment, from scouting and responding accordingly from the information gathered, building supply depots, workers and attacking units to managing the economy getting expansions up, microing the units in battle, keeping an eye out on the minimap, supply count, getting the upgrades, tech-ing, and the list goes on.

those who know me will probably say that i'm one of the worst multi-taskers around - i can't even work and listen to someone speak to me at the same time - so it is actually quite exhausting mentally whenever i play starcraft 2. and then there are time when it feels like i'm stuck in a rut, being on a losing streak, constantly getting supply locked, forgetting my units and workers, getting really far behind on the food count and economy and just playing crappily in general.

and then i bash myself up for it, trying desperately to push myself to do better, to right my mistakes, but more often than not, i seem to play worse and get caught in this vicious cycle whereby i'm getting angry at myself for making mistakes, and consequently, i'm making mistakes because i'm getting frustrated.

there was this other night when i feel exactly like that, but this time, i told myself to call it for the day, to just stop playing, and take my mind, as best as i could, off starcraft 2. that means no looking through my replays to try and spot my mistakes, no replays of high level players too. no starcraft 2 for the rest of the day.

and then, the next time i played, while the game was reloading, i reminded myself what my objective for playing the game was when i first started: to simply enjoy the game at whichever level that is most fun for me. i wasn't making a mental checklist of my build orders, nor was i thinking about my mistakes. i was simply just reminding myself that i play the game because it is fun. that's all.

what followed were probably a few of my of best games. supply depots were completed sweetly on time, and i was never supply locked for anything more than a couple of seconds, my macro was mechanical, one unit after the next, keeping my money low, doing all the good things and going on a winning streak.

what changed? nothing, except for my state of mind and my attitude.

but isn't this the same in life? isn't starcraft 2 an apt metaphor for our lives too?

there are just so many things that are screaming for our attentions in life, so many balls that we have to juggle and keep them all up in the air, so many hats to wear.

and sometimes, sometimes we just at so frustrated at our own inabilities and our mistakes that try too hard to right the wrongs to become better that it is like we're trying to run down a brick wall.

perhaps at time like that, we should choose to do the difficult thing - to take 2 steps back and take stock, re-focus and not try and do too much with too litle.

don't get me wrong, no i'm not saying when the going gets tough, give up, throw in the towel, no. but sometimes, when one is caught in a mental rut, with frustration ever growing in the belly, it is easier to curse and swear at everything, the opponent, the balance of the game, oneself, life, shitty circumstances, our overwhelming responsibilities, and then be inundated by the so many to-dos.

there is a time to be tough on oneself, to be analytical and learn from the mistakes made, but the time is not when one is not focused, and whose head is not in the game.

my case in point, a short while back, i was indeed trying to run down a brick wall. i wasn't in a nice position (the parallel being being on a losing streak in SCII) and i wasn't making things any easier for both myself and those around me with me trying to fix things (stressing myself out to remember my depot after my third barracks, look at the minimap, build scv, then get stimpack followed by the factory etc...). and in the end, simply walking away, taking time out to re-focus, to take stock and to gather myself mentally and a quick reminder about my objectives (to simply have fun for SCII) and all a sudden, all the grief that i gave myself seems silly. and all of a sudden, i'm on top of my game, and right now, i'm in gold - my initial target when i first started SCII with little prior rts experience.

and this is something that i've working to my football games. whenever i feel myself getting frustrated, i'll now always get myself to re-focus on the game, to keep my head in the game instead of allowing frustration to cloud my mind. i'm still a pretty aggressive player but in my mind, i'm always cool, thinking. because, i've come to learn, a frustrated player, is a loose cannon and he doesn't help the team at all.

take a step back, re-focus, take stock and all will be well.

because i know that i'm better than that.

taking things for granted

2010-08-29T16:16:00.003+08:00

never meant to make you cry, but tonight, i'm cleaning out my closet

i went to ica this thursday to report the lost of my ic, and to make a new one, and the whole process was way quicker than i had expected and as such, i had some time to kill before my lunch appointment later.

so i decided to walk back to dhoby ghaut from lavender.

i like walking, especially so if i've got good company, but its fine if i walk alone as well, and that is when i get to just people-watch, take in the sights, and think.

and thought i did on thursday.

i met up with an old friend of mine recently, someone whom i've known since around secondary 3 i think, someone whom i've not seen for more than a year, perhaps even more. he got enlisted last year, and thus had been really busy (although i still constantly give him hell for mia-ing for the better part of 2 years), and we had coffee together (well, i had milo because i was going to play football afterwards and caffeine and sports just isn't a good combination).

but i was to be shaken and shocked at what he has had to go through these past few months, all the upheavals and, for lack of better word, shit, that he has had to content with.

believe me when i say that the magnitude of his woes is frightening, and the cause, appalling.

but one thing that i noticed the change in this friend of mine.

he used to be a spendthrift, spending way beyond his pretty considerable means, a heavy smoker, always getting into trouble, and very much an ah beng in general.

that day, he told me himself that he feels like he's grown up quite abit through the ordeal that has been since a few months back. i said i'd pay for our coffee, but he insisted on going dutch, saying that he wants to learn the value of money, and telling me to not waste money (like what the hell right?) and that he is going to quit smoking. now, this is the umpteen time that he's is attempting to quit smoking, but, honestly, i've not seen him with a cigarette since that day.

and i said to him that i'm glad for this change in him, and that if there's anything that i can help him with, just give me a buzz and i'd do my best - something that i try to do for all of those that i care about. silver lining i said to him.

but while i was running random thoughts through my head this thursday, i thought my this friend of mine again.

however, this time around, my thoughts were more personal in nature.

i thought, there're so many things that i should be so very thankful about, so many things tha i've taken for granted.

i used to grumble quite a bit about my parents. from their refusal to give me a more ostentatious allowance, to not allowing me to get the sports channels to watch the epl conveniently, to not sending me around the way other parents do for their children and a hundred and one other things. so many grouses, so little gratefulness.

but really, my parents have done so much for me. they've made damn sure that i've never lacked anything that i really needed, and at the same time, taught me discipline and financial prudence and circumspection. one thing in particular that i'm extremely thankful about is them giving me a chance to learn the piano.

i've got a piano sitting at home and that, is easily a 10 thousand dollars investment, and on top of that, there is the maintenance of the piano, the tuning that needs to be done regularly. and then, there are my piano lessons. just how much my parents have spent for me to learn the piano can easily allow years of suscription to the sports package, even at the inflated prices now, or an allowance with which i can spend on things that i do not really need. what would have happened, would be a matthew who CAN'T play the piano, who would have a whole lot more difficulties with the guitar (he might not even be keen to pick that up), who is used to getting things the easy way, since he has never had a need to work for what he wants, never had to consider if something is value for money, instead always able to get whatever it is that he fancies.

and my parents were spending this much money on a child who wasn't appreciative, claiming instead that he had never asked for music lessons.

i'm terribly ashamed of that now. it is an absolute joy to able to tinker on the piano whenever i feel like, and the the sense of achievement when you do get a song right is huge. a friend said that she thinks that i'm the kind who would senerade my girlfriend with guitar/piano a couple of weeks back, and well, who knows, i could actually be someone like that.

best things cannot be bought indeed

2010-08-22T01:17:00.006+08:00

in orbit all the way around you

good evening ladies and gents, i lost my wallet. in fact, it was most likely pick pocketed.

and that kind of sucks. all my cards, my identification, everything, gone. poof. which is kind of troublesome and annoying, and not to mention there was about a hundred dollars total in there.

ah well, and that slimy bugger can't even be bothered to just mail me my ic back or something. but whatever.

honestly though, i really am not too affected by my lost. sure, i had to walk home from bukit timah that day, but i enjoy long walks anyway (although it'd have been better if i had company), and i am about a hundred dollars poorer as a result of this, and i'd have to replace my ic, my bank cards, and all the cool stuff that i had in my wallet are all gone. plus it was a wallet that i quite liked.

but hand on heart, i'm calm about this whole episode and i'm a little surprised at just how composed, almost nonchalant, i am about losing my wallet.

i saw this book with a totally awesome title a couple of weeks back and i just had to pick that up and borrow it.

the lord of the rings and philosophy, it read.

2 thoughts came into my mind the moment i saw the book: either it is going to be the coolest and most awesome read, or its going to be complete trash - just some pseudo-profundity based on an incredible piece of literature that has an enormous fan base.

i was kind of leaning towards the later, but come on, its the lord of the rings, and philosophy. how i can ever live with myself if i didn't give it the benefit of the doubt and give it a shot, i do not know.

so borrow it i did, and reading it i still am.

i'm about halfway through (i'm reading like 3 different books altogether, not quite out of choice, but out of necessity) and there are some really interesting things written in there that i've never quite considered about tolkien's masterpiece and i'm almost tempted to re-read the entire trilogy all over again now.

the second chapter of the book is titled, the quest for happiness.

i enjoyed the chapter very much and in a particular essay, the author submits that in the lord of the rings, tolkien gives us his take of the pursuit of happiness, and there are, in summary, 6 keys to happiness.

of the 6, i'll just highlight the first 2: take delight in simple things, and to make light of your troubles.

nothing too complicated right? (whoever said that philosophy is chim and not practical? well, i've been reading a little of plato's discourses and they are MIND-BOGGLING, so much that i had to re-read a particular paragraph 4 times to get an idea about what socrates was going on and on about, and my head hurt after a while, but that's besides the point.)

so, make light of your troubles.

i think i've been doing just that. i haven't been whining, and honestly, i'm managing to see the funny side to my predicament, and i'm going about replacing my things in a oh wells kind of manner.

but more importantly, i think, the key to happiness is to take delight in simple things, and there are delightful simple things abound recently.

my children are always a joy, and recently, they've taken to talking to me about they're crushes and "girlfriends/boyfriends" and that kind of stuff, and i've been wading in with encouragement and "advice"; i was quite the charmer in primary school after all, although the children always respond with mock puking and disbelief.

also, playing football is some thing that i really love and for the past few weeks, starcraft 2 has taken up a big part of my time (well, some will say that starcraft 2 is the furthest thing from simple - after all it's 12 years of wait, 5 years of development at least, millions of dollars spent and $109 an investment - and i'd tend to agree, but this is my post, so i get the right to get away with something like that. home ground advantage of sorts.

but most importantly, i've just started teaching literature. i'm actually doing this as a favour to a friend, she said that she's struggling with her lit just months before her 'o's and asked me for help, and so i agreed to teach both her friend and herself. she stays really far(ang mo kio), and i didn't ask about the pay at all, so in all likelihood i'm not going to be paid for this, but i'm having a ball of a time teaching.

first of all, i enjoy teaching, and i think i'm fairly useful as a teacher. on top of that, i'm relishing the chance to have older students, people who are more mature, whereby i actually get to be less of a lecturer, but more of a communicator, people whom i can joke around with, almost like friends, and that is always cool. very enjoyable. lastly, literature. very cool stuff. very fun subject to teach, so of course i'm deriving a lot of pleasure teaching these 2 girls, despite the distance and travelling time, in spite of the lack of remunerability.

so i'm genuinely enjoying what i'm doing - the simple things.

something that i want to highlight real quickly though is that of the 6 keys to happiness, money is absent.

now this is probably not a surprise to many. money, as the saying goes, cannot buy happiness. yes, we all know that line.

but as my pastor likes to say, "truth doesn't change lives. it is only when truth is applied that we change.".

how so very true. maybe it is time that we stop merely knowing that money is not a requisite to happiness and start considering how we are actually work this knowledge into our daily consideration, into our actions, into our decision making.

and really, how amusing is that when some people are sporting the most expensive labels, wearing the most costly threads, carrying the most branded bags but don't have the disposition to carry them off. they look cheap, like they are wearing imitated goods, and they are hilarious.

confidence is free. sense of style is free. good looks is free.

hell, the best things cannot be bought indeed.

heartsowhite

2010-08-10T01:05:00.003+08:00

well, in the end, i didn't play starcraft II, but i'm so very glad that i didn't.

well, in the end, while (kind of) facebook stalking i came across a blog of a friend.

i've always appreciated good reading materials and her writings are well, to say good reading material would be an understatement.

she took knowledge and inquiry and literature at 'a' levels, and is currently reading law after all, and in terms of writing, she is ahead of me, hands down (not that i'm very good myself, just giving an example).

she writes with a flair that engages, an intelligence that challenges, and an honesty that is most startling.

everything that i try to be here, only better.

and it made for a most thought-provoking and reflective read that had me going on till about now.

what was interesting was how she went through very recently, what i've had to go through - twice - and her ruminations of all that happened.

and then, we both came to a similiar conclusion. i shall not go into detail here - this is her affair after all - but what really struck me was how we all go through the same difficulties, the same trials, the same challenges no matter who we are. no matter how 'in control' we are of our lives (she was writing about how little the sphere of our control really is, something that i had written the previous post) and no matter how 'good' we are (if we were to run the 3 's' rule over her - smart, sweet and sexy - she'd score a pretty comfortable 'a').

i've been forgetting some of my lessons learnt, i think i've been getting back into my comfort zone, i think i've been taking things for granted.

and it is time to get off my ass and back on my feet.

smart, sweet, sexy

2010-08-09T19:48:00.005+08:00

if perfect is what you're searching for then just stay the same

i've been totally hooked onto starcraft II, which is really good, and that explains the relative state of inertia here. as a matter of fact, i've been spending far more time online than i normally do, just, i spend those time on battle.net. i've been writing here too, just, i wrote a little here and there, so that i can complete them at a later time before hurriedly double clicking the SCII icon on my desktop and proceeding to blast things to bits with my siege tanks. so now i've got a bunch of half-finished writings here, and alot of missions to complete in SCII.

but today, i decided to haul my reluctant ass down here to finish some of my musings. what for, you ask. i've got no idea too - i just like to write about things that i find interesting. so here i am again, before starcraft II consumes me whole, much like how the overmind corrupted kerrigan.

i saw this really interesting post off a friend's facebook status. here's a truncated version of what she wrote:

you know that light does indeed travel faster than sound when someone who looks great initially opens his/her mouth to speak, but is totally unintelligible.

and actually, if you pause for a minute to let those words sink in, my friend is absoutely right.

for all the great looks that a girl can possess, if she is an idiot, then it is all for nought; she isn't very attractive.

i think i've said this before, but i'll just say it again: smart girls are sexy.

by smart, i don't mean, "i can do rocket science" kind of smart, no. by smart, i mean someone who has her own opinion on matters, and is eloquent and cognitive enough to express them. but of course, if she is handy about an instrument or two, or is athletic, or is gifted in some areas, those are all definitely great, but, for me at least, if someone can expressive herself coherently, oh, she is immediately on the right side of the attractive scale.

i came across this somewhere (i think it was some rom-com that i caught sometime back - go easy on me, i was bored) and it was said that the perfect women for a guy is e 's's.

she is smart, she is sweet, she is sexy.

and i thought that it isn't altogether untrue, not at all. by smart is a reference to a girl's intelligence, sweet - her character, and sexy - her physical attractiveness.

know i know quite a number of people who are smart and sweet, but not quite very sexy (not ugly, mind you, just not good-looking in the traditional sense of the word and, in my opinion, these are perhaps the 2nd most attractive people of the lot), and i know people who are smart and sexy (oh, those are queen bitches).

then there are people who are neither smart, nor sweet, nor sexy and i've had the misfortune of knowing 1 or 2 of such people, but, oh my, girls who are smart, sweet and sexy, well, they are something else.

ok, actually, this is a really poor piece, ideas all over the place and undeveloped, and my mind someplace else, but i shan't be so bothered about this and just get it out there anyhow.

and so now, it's back to STARCRAFT II, and my trusty seige tanks (YES SIR!).

5 years ago, 45th anniversary

2010-07-30T22:50:00.000+08:00

where'd you go?

this has got to be one of my favourite songs from 5 years ago.

5 years ago. 5 years ago was the 45th anniversary of my secondary school - bpghs - and last week, my alma mater held her 50th anniversary celebrations.

i remember being a secondary 4 boy 5 years back looking at all my seniors who came back and telling myself that i'd want to be there for the 50th anniversary celebrations. and i also wondered how i'd be like 5 years down the road.

so what am i like now, 5 years later?

honestly, i would not have dreamt that i would take the paths that i did, to go to jc for a year, and to hate it, and then to a polytechnic for 3 more years and only now be getting ready to get enlisted.

honestly, i would not have dreamt that i'd leave my church very very soon, get to know some of the best people that i'd get to know, who'd later mentor me and teach me so much, and 5 years later, come back to GPC and get to re-know all of my old friends and to feel torn.

honestly, i would not have dreamt that really get to know many of my best friends, from jc, from poly, from church (both GPC and CEFC), from football and maybe some places else, and to understand that little bit better about the nature of friendship. i still am not the perfect friend, but i am treasuring my relationships a bit more than i did.

honestly, i would not have dreamt that i would later hurt, and be hurt by someone whom i claim to hold dear to. for all my faults and callowness, i really did want things to work out, but in the end, our immaturity told; and we both grew up into very different people looking for very different things.

honestly, i would not have dreamt that i would later play football and train with the sp team, and get to know so many people because of a "game" and also, that i would move deeper and deeper - from a winger (where i enjoyed using my pace) to a central midfielder eventually, a position that feels the most natural and enjoyable to me now.

but all these things all came to past, and then some.

looking back, while i thought that i was all grown up in secondary 4, ready to take on the world, fearless, i realised now that there was so little that i knew. we were all wide-eyed, innocent and naive to the workings of the "grown-up" world. things really were simple and a little more straight-forward in secondary school.

i do have ambitions for the me 5 years later, but really, do they really matter? in the end, how many of those plans actually get followed through?

i remember being so above the world when estella and i first got together, and i remember being so heart-broken and affected when things didn't work out. but did it matter? right now, just a few years after everything, i look at estella and see an estella different from that secondary 4 girl. i look at myself and i see a different matt from that secondary 4 boy. all the victories, all the defeats, all the fights, all the make-ups, they all don't really matter now do they?

and really, after a year that started on such a high for me, and then ending so terribly (the year 2006) it really proved just how volatile situations and circumstances can be, and after 6 months of changes, whereby everythings simply flipped - head to tail - it really proved just how fickle people can be, despite their promises, despite you trusting them completely, one really does wonder: why even bother with plans?

i was re-watching the dark knight the other day and the joker said that the schemers, those who had plans, are simply trying to control their little worlds, but when something doesn't "go according to plan", there is anarchy, there is panic.

things are bound to change, and there is only so much that we can control in our little worlds. yet we still scheme, yet we still plan, yet we still seek to control out little worlds. and when things go awry. we freak out.

i guess there's nothing wrong with having ambitions, having plans. but maybe being a little more like a dog chasing cars in the words of the joker isn't such a bad idea after all. i think, when the time and circumstances call for it, it would be wise for us to learn to let go.

i sincerely hope that the me 5 years later would be reading something that i enjoy, and that i would enjoy that education, and that i'd still be able to play football as much as possible. yes, that does sound rather good. of course there are other things that would be nice to have, but would they survive the changes that life will bring? i don't know.

because what will come, will come. and sometimes, when the time and circumstances call for it, it would be wise to learn to let go.

2010-07-21T22:53:00.002+08:00

i don't regret this life i chose for me

the was a really interesting special report on last saturday's edition of the straits times about magachurches in singapore as well as the smaller denomination-based churches and even the home churches.

the article writes that the megachurches are growing exponentially in their sizes while the smaller churches are losing worshippers, especially the younger generation to their bigger, snazzier and more vibrant counterparts. nonetheless, some are leaving for the exact reasons. the megachurches are getting too big, too snazzy, to loud to such an extend that there isn't a feel of intimacy, of authenticity, of focus.

it is also interesting for me to note that my church - covenant evangelical free church (CEFC)was listed as a megachuch, by the definition of having a congregation size of 2000 or more weekly.

my church. really, i don't quite know what defines a particular as mine right now.

is it a place where i'm currently at? or a place where i have, whether i like it or not, sunk roots?

i've been thinking long and hard about this for sometime already, ever since i was spending alot of time at my old church - glory presbyterian church (GPC)- preparing for my cambodia trip (albeit a little reluctantly initially - i just wanted to turn up for the trip and not have much responsibilities).

one of the dentists that we had on the trip was talking to me in cambodia about my church (since the 2 of us were the only ones not from GPC). he said that he was from a small family church not unlike GPC before me left for a bigger chuch - lighthouse evangelical church - again, not unlike CEFC, but after being there for sometime, he returned to his mother church after all. he said that many a time, with the bigger church, there is a lack of intimacy and it is at the smaller family churches where you really get the sense of community, which was the biggest reason why he returned.

that really got me thinking about where it is that i truly belong.

in a way, siewhor, who is that dentist friend of mine, is right. despite being away for so long, it is a joy to see these familiar faces all over again, and to have them receive me so warmly, and to continually ask me to go back, be it for lunch, for a reunion or just to hang out, which explains why i'm still around GPC for a bit despite the cambodia trip being done. it really is like my kampong right there.

yet i'm adamant that i want to stick around at CEFC at least for a while more. i have got good friends here, but they are generally older than me, my big brother figures who took me under their wings and mentored me from when i was a hot-headed secondary school child till even now, when i'm (hopefully) less of a hot-head, and less of a child. and in a way, i've gotten so comfortable in my city life, with all the lights, glitz and sound, that really, it took a little getting used to initially when i returned to GPC for service with just a piano for music and a small, small hall as the venue.

to be honest, i was almost ready to go back to my mother church at the drop of a hat at one point, had things turned out differently.

but things didn't turn out differently, and i ran back to CEFC and i said that i'm going to stick around there for at least a little while more.

siewhor said that one of the reasons while big churches are popular is that the crowd is so big there, it is perfect for slipping in and out without meeting people you know. in other words, it is perfect for hiding.

am i hiding? i really have no idea.

and to compound matters, the young adults set up at CEFC is being overhauled, meaning that there'll be alot more uncertainty and change.

i'm going home, that part is for sure.

but where's home? and what makes a home?

i don't know, and i don't have any answers. not now.

the best is yet to come: footballing love

2010-07-18T23:53:00.002+08:00

now i may not be the worst or the best but you gotta respect my honesty

ok honestly, it is tyler ward that really got me into this song. for those of you who still don't know him, please, do yourselves a favour and search him up on youtube.

hahaha. it sounds like i'm having a man-crush, but really, he is really good.

coming back to the final part of what was initially 1 post, i have really been just wondering about how i would have been if not for football, and even more so since i was hanging out this friend of mine who plays football as well and we decided to join in with some strangers in their kick-about match (i was played out of position anyway: out on the right and then the left; i would much rather play in the middle), and after the game we were just kicking a ball around and having fun taking penalty kicks.

after all that, she was telling me about her club and how much she's training now, and how wonderful it could be if she should play football everyday.

that really reminded me of me - just how much i was playing football, training (which isn't half as fun, but it improves your game drastically), finding the motivation to improve and just how much fun the beautiful game is.

i replied that i was like that too.

i don't quite understand why i used the past tense then - football is still a huge part of my life and there are indeed many things that i would give up just to play football. but i think that maybe, maybe a part of me has some to realise that there are a handful of things that are more important than football.

i recently had a really tough choice to make. i was invited for a game at the jalan besar stadium on a saturday a friend's birthday party was supposed to be on. now i would have simply chosen to appear late at the party, but because i had already given my word to 2 different people, to be early there to help with the preparations and also to bring the gifts to the party (the person who had the gifts had to come late for a more valid reason than football), i regrettably declined that offer.

and that there is a price to pay for all that football.

"like a girlfriend?" asked my friend almost half-knowingly.

and i replied with a smile, "like a girlfriend.".

she also said that with all that time spent on football, her studies are affected.

and really, all the time that i've spend on football could ave been spent doing many other things.

i could perhaps have spent them on my studies, and gone on to do well in my 'a' levels, got enlisted 2 years ago and be getting ready to get into university now.

i could perhaps have spent them on music, and pick up the guitar alot sooner (something that i had always wanted to do), and be alot better at the piano than i am now.

or i could have perhaps have spent those time working part-time, like how so many of my peers did and be able to buy and own so many more things. things like a new guitar, a new laptop, erm, clothes, bags, and well, shoes to be more eligible and attractive to shallow and material girls? now why would i want that?

but actually the last point about money is a compound factor. see, if i didn't play football so much, i could have worked part-time and actually draw a pretty impressive income but on top of that, i would not be spending so much of my money on football too.

and honestly, i've spent so much money on football. i use to pay upwards of a hundred dollars on a pair of boots for the 'motion control' technology and what have you, and i still pay good money to play games. one of our ministers (i think it was vivian balakrishnan) remarked that sports is one of the things that singaporeans are willing to pay to take part in, and sponsors should pay heed to that and be more involved in the sports scene here. and he is absolutely right.

there are few things that can get us singaporeans to so willingly throw money at in order to take part in than sports and more specifically - football. just look at the number of indoor futsal courts almost mushrooming across the island. and then take a look at the insane prices that one has to fork out just to watch the world cup here.

and really, i don't even want to attempt to estimate just how much i have spent on the sport; the figure ain't going to be pretty, but i do reckon that it could easily fetch me quite a few labels on a quite a few of my belongings.

so the most logical question now would be: is it all worth it?

my answer? i don't know. but at least for now, i sure as hell am going to keeping doing what i'm doing - that is to play as frequently as i can. i think there was a time when i would answer with a definite "yes!" saying that i wouldn't sacrifice anything for football with the conviction that my friend did when she answered me yesterday, but to me now, much as i love the game, it is still a game.

someone once asked me if i loved her or football more. i once thought that it was such an idiotic question. apples and oranges i thought, how can one comapare 2 vastly dissimilar things? now, i've come to reason that it was i who was the fool, for how ridiculously caught up with football must i have been for a person, a living, feeling person to feel insecure when placed beside an inanimate object, a game?

one other friend said this to me when while we were catching up with each other a while back.

she remarked, "matt, you're still that little boy, running around kicking a ball.".

maybe i still am, and hand on heart, i do hope that i still retain that boyish enthusiasm for the game, and i do wish that i would never lose it. and the person that i do see in the future would, in all likelihood, have to put up with my footballing habits too.

but i do believe that with the few added years that i've been around, the few extra lines on my face and yes, the few more scars that i now spot from football, she'd not have to ask if i love football or her more.

the best is yet to be: how to love football

2010-07-17T23:50:00.000+08:00

我想大声宣布

haha, i was just looking for a cute love song for this post and well, love songs don't get more cute than 简单爱 do they? hell no. and alright back to the 2nd part of what would have been a really, really long entry.

it's been close to a week since the close of the world cup, a little more since germany was sent crashing to spain. i'm finally getting to sleep in a more habitual manner, and getting around to do the things that i've been putting off.

but what really got me wondering was just how much football's been a priority and influence to me.

a poor result for my team has the potential to affect my mood for the day, maybe even more (something that is totally ridiculous to some; it is just a game after all right?) and i'd totally avoid ALL footballing sites, including what can be considered my online staple soccernet.com.

a good results, conversely, has the exact opposite effect on me. i feel cheery for reasons unknown to others, and pour almost excessively over every article and commentary that i can find online, study the tactical shapes and movement applied and basically savouring every line, every word that i can lay my eyes on.

girls have a pretty handy reason for their prickly temperaments (once a month they say, but really, just 12 times a year?? hahaha) and well, us guys have a very valid reason too: our teams ain't doing that well.

oh and us guys (serious football following guys that is) are really particular about the teams that we follow, and loyalty is extremely important to us, and nothing annoys me more than a fickle follower. really, you can change your girlfriends (i have) but you CANNOT change your teams (i haven't). your team IS your wife, and you will go through pain and joy for her but no, divorce is inconceivable come hell or high water, and "irreparable differences" just don't cut it as an excuse.

i remember rooting for manutd because they had just completed the treble and were pretty much the dominant force in the epl, superficial enough reasons yes (but don't fault me for falling in love with the most beautiful woman at the party), but hey, i've stuck with her through the hard times (arsenal completing the season unbeaten was hard) but the joys that come after the difficult periods are so much more the sweeter (beating arsenal at old trafford, ending their 49 games unbeaten streak, oh well, all the ignominy of the previous season was forgotten and forgiven).

on the international front, i remember vividly the thrilling opening game of the world cup 4 years ago that germany served up against costa-rica. before that i had always thought international football boring (england is just plain bad) and never supported a particular team but that game made me fall in love with germany.

but what really irks me is how some "supporters" would jump on the winning-team bandwagon, and stay on, until the next winning team comes along that is.

all of a sudden, when united had won the english league 3 times in a row, everyone was a supporter. where were they last year? moaning that united just 'can't make it la'.

all of a sudden the germans were THE team to root for, when just 4 weeks ago no one even gave them a second look. and when they lost to spain, idiotic comments about how the germans froze and how they "cannot make it" were abound. what losers, what idiots (my justifications are in the previous post so i won't go into detail here).

now i don't mind new fans choosing a particular team because of the attractive manner that the team is playing or because the team is winning (i was one such fan myself). now let me repeat that. i don't mind REAL new fans. not fickle and whining and moaning idiots.

and i will say it all over again. in football (and even in life too), loyalty is everything. when the object of one's affection can be so easily changed, your love isn't worth much in the first place.

the best is yet to come: germany spain

2010-07-08T11:24:00.005+08:00

go for it run for it dive in head first

the song is called the best is yet to come.

i've been enjoying myself alot writing here once again, and with germany beaten by spain, i woke up feeling rather moody.

matters aren't helped by idiotic posts on facebook damning the german players, just days, hours after praising them so effusively.

the germans didn't play badly - they were simply playing against better and more experienced players. xavi, iniesta and alonso must surely be 3 of the finest midfielders of their generation, and alonso, arguably the best deep lying playmaker at the moment.

check out their ages too, xavi is 30, alonso, 28 and iniesta is the youngest at 26.

of the german midfield trio, schweinsteiger is the oldest at 25, khedira, 23 and ozil, 21.

that's a combined 15 additional years of experience, and that showed.

furthermore, with iniesta coming in on the left, the german midfield constantly found themselves in a 4 v 3 situation in the center, and with the players of spains calibre, the germans are always bound to struggle possession wise.

but the key thing to note is that even then, spain didn't pose germany too much trouble and mertesacker deserves an honorable mention for denying spain and getting a crucial foot in whenever the final ball was played time and time again. the germans had a game plan, and they stuck to it, the hustled, and whenever they won possession, they looked to break, and although spain moved the ball better, it was an even first-half. it might even have been a german advantage had the referee given a foul on ozil after he was brought down in the box.

in the end, it was from a set-piece, a lapse in concentration that caused germany dear.

the germans tried to respond, kroos came on, actually before the goal to fight fire with fire. so now there were 4 german midfielders in the center of the park and lahm was to cover the entire right flank and provide width, and it is no coincidence that the germans were that little bit better in possession with lahm getting down the line well and putting in crosses. but alas, it wasn't to be.

the germans fought valiantly, and to deride them as chokers is plain unfair (and not to mention foolish), and ask any football fan worth his salt, they would concur that it was a close and tense game, with 2 good teams battling for supremacy, with the better team just nicking it because of a lapse in concentration, and 0-1 is perhaps the fairest result. but football isn't a fair game. 0-0 and then penalties isn't entirely unfair to spain too, because for all their possession, they failed to break down the germans, and even 1-0, had the foul on ozil been given, is a pretty reasonable result in my books.

but this is a very young german side, and their best is yet to come.

regrets/ eminem love the way you lie.

2010-06-30T20:56:00.003+08:00

you don't get another chance life is no nintendo game

this is so MIND BLOWING. eminem is well and truly back.

regret. we all have it, and this song is all about regret.

in a particular episode from glee, quinn when asked about her regrets replied in a deadpanned manner, "believing that trust me is an effective form of birth control.".

quinn is a high school student who is pregnant.

that was funny, but many of our heartaches are far from amusing.

so how do we deal with our disappointments? oddly, LOST has influenced me so greatly in this matter.

many of us, when faced with heartbreaks, choose to run, to hide from the problem and we wish for the mythical reset button. and by choosing to run and hide, that's exactly what we're trying to do - to hit the fantastical reset button, to attempt to seek someplace else where we did not mess up.

in LOST, everyone is screwed up, but they were given a second chance in life when they were stranded on a mysterious island.

we do these sorts of "semi-reset" buttons in life, be it moving to a new country, or enrolling in a new school, or even getting to know a new group of friends, but ultimately, who we are now and where we are in life is the amalgamation of the decisions and choices that we've made in the past. we are who we are because of what we did.

in LOST, we understand the characters and why they were the way that they were through a series of flashbacks. because of our past circumstances and choices, we are moulded into who we are today, be it consciously or subconsciously. but despite the "fresh start" on the island, people soon messed up again.

and isn't that so true in life? no matter how hard we try, we are imperfect and we make mistakes. so do we seek another reset button?

the characters in LOST tried to to exactly that. they tried to change the past, so that their plane never crashed, so that they had never been on the island, and so all their mistakes were never made, all their pain never experienced.

does that not sound uncannily familiar?

because isn't this what we so very often wished for? for us to be able to go back in time to fix a mistake so that we can not go through the grief and remorse that we did?

jack sure did. he was so willing to rub out his time on the island - his missteps, his errors in judgements, his spurned opportunities - that he was willing to not meet kate at all (he wouldn't have met kate if they had not crashed on the island). he was willing to give up the very woman that he loved, who was the very source of much of his pain, so that he could run from his hurt. he was willing to erase all his time on the island, his victories together with his defeats. yet these experiences made him a better man, less reactive and reckless, more receptive to the opinion of others and level-headed.

again, does isn't this so true for us? we run from our hurts, we try to change things. but at what cost? at the cost of the relationships that we've built? at the experiences that we've had? for if we are our past, then erasing what we've done would be erasing parts of ourselves. for better or for worse, our past has moulded us into who we are today.

some would argue that by erasing our screw ups, we're just removing the bad parts of ourselves, parts that we dislike.

gandalf in the lord of the rings said this to frodo:

then do not be too eager to deal out death and judgement. for even the very wise cannot see all ends.

it was jack's mistakes that taught him his limitations, not his victories. and it was through his pain that he learnt how to not always have to be in control, to always have to fix things. and kate, what would jack be if he had never met the woman who would later love him, and whom he would love so dearly?

indeed, lord alfred tennyson puts it brilliantly:

tis better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all.

easy to say, tough to act upon.

i was so eager to erase someone out of my life after my mistakes and the pain that consequently ensued. i was determined to hit the reset button, and i told myself that i'd take it that i've never met that person. i don't want friendship, it's going to be all or nothing.

but at what cost?

i am who i am because of my failures and victories, my choices and decisions. so as hard as i tried, i couldn't rub off he past. it was like trying to shake off my shadow: somedays it appears that i've succeeded, others - an utter failure. and it even began to affect my relationship with the other people whom i claim to care for.

instead of running, i'm still learning to find the strength to face up to my mistakes, take them on my chin and say that yes, indeed i messed up. and indeed, so much more strength is required to be meek than to be defiant and refuse to back down. it was so much more difficult to choose to say i was wrong, than to stay angry. true strength is in gentleness and grace, not in anger and accusations.

and this is the beauty of life: the significance of every action, of every decision that we make, or every path that we choose to take - they will all become part of us, the culmination of which will be our very being and consciousness.

why is this beautiful?

because as much as my past defines me, my actions today will define who i will be.

jack, of all people, in the final episode of LOST chided desmond for still trying to find the short cut to make everything "go away", to make everything "alright".

'i've tried that, and it doesn't work,' insisted jack, 'everything is real, everything that we do matters.'.

it is through his failure that jack learnt this crucial lesson, that everything has a consequence, that there are no cheat-codes to reset things. that life is not a nintendo game. it is through his failure, not his success.

and what we choose to do today has significance, it matters. because it will define who we will be tomorrow.

so we all can choose who we want to be, but first we have to face up to our past; running from our past only hides yourselves from our present and denies us the possibilities of the future. and isn't this what eminem is rapping about? instead of staying angry, he is apologising, he's trying to make things work. he regrets his past, but he is coming to terms with his present, and he'll fight for his future.

cambodia 2010

2010-06-25T00:50:00.000+08:00

where can i find a women like that?

shortly after arriving in cambodia, we learnt that an old friend of ours had gotten engaged after a whirlwind 3 months romance, to a man of a different nationality all together (she is from the philippines and he, korea), and when asked about him, she spoke with the excitement and enthusiasm of a schoolgirl in the throes of love.

later at lunch, i sat with one of our hosts, a pretty, eloquent and friendly young lady who will be spending the next 2 years there. we asked her if she found a cute korean guy too, but her reply was a rather tense "don't ask me, i'm jaded".

the two doctors on our trip just got married early this year, and first met in cambodia too. this time, they're back, serving others together, this time as husband and wife.

i just thought this interesting.

women - can't live with them, can't live without them.

cambodia was good for me, not wonderful, but good nonetheless.

let's get to the negative stuff first. just like how different people can be in cambodia for different reasons at different stages of their lives, i had my ups and my downs too, and at times, i wondered and questioned my reason for being there.

i had wanted to go to cambodia to help, to do the best i can for others, but after a while, i thought if there is a greater meaning to the work i was doing there.

i had learnt quickly - the reading of the prescription, the correct dosage and drugs, the taking of blood sugar level, the various dentistry tools and their names, to assiting the dental surgeons in their extraction, but in the end, it felt like instead of helping the people there, we were simply fulfilling our "obligation to them.

so what happens when the drugs they were given runs out 6 months from now? it seems like the people there simply expects another team to be here for them. so instead of helping them, it feels like we are making them more dependent than ever on foreign aid, instead of helping them stand on their feet, we're encouraging them to lie down and take things easy, because they'd always be people coming in to clear up their mess, there'd always be people coming in. they have to. that's their job.

and for sometime, i really wondered if we're doing the right thing, if we're actually doing the right thing.

i still do, but i've since chosen to take faith, to believe that we all can only do what we can, to the best of our abilities, in good conscience. the rest is beyond us, and all we have to do is to do the work that we were called to, and i have no doubts that it was right for me to be there.

i met some orphans too, and then, i truly understood what someone said to me, that the future lies with the children of the country. the adults are messed up, but the children, the children are special. the children can make a difference.

the children are a joy. i've always been fairly handy around children (if i may say so myself) and the children there took to me quickly. but what struck me was their warmth, their capacity for affection despite all that they've gone through and their genuiness. and that, for me, finally gave me a reason for the work that i was doing.

a few good things also, i'm glad that i got a chance to get out of my comfort zone. i know alot of people would say this when they come back from such trips but i mean it in a different way. physically, the hard work, the living conditions were tnot challenging to me; i've been to jakarta and india - it's no problem.

the real challenge was for me to choose to go on this trip with me pretty much knowing no one from the trip. none of my 23 teamates were friends on facebook. i know a few of them by name, having seen them around, but have never gotten round to speaking to them. 8 days later, i can wholeheartedly say that i have enjoyed their company so very much, they were great people, and i'm so glad that i've gotten a chance to speak to them and know them.

i've been going on about this, but to me, true "social" behaviour isn't clique-ish behaviour - sticking in your own group, speaking in your own secret languages, cracking your own jokes and leaving everyone else out of your exclusive group because you're "cool".

no. that is anti-social behaviour.

true social behaviour is being warm and accommodating, not judging but friendly, something which my new friends have surely been, and i thank them for that. true social behavour is also having the guts to strike out on your own, out of your own comfort zone and not blindly follow one's friends.

one of my teamates asked me if i'm the "ra-ra" social kind. i replied that i take time to warm up to people, and after that i'm ok. and i'd like to think that instead of being "ra-ra", i'm loyal to my friends.

she replied that i was doing rather well for myself in cambodia, slotting in well with the rest of the team, pulling my weight with the work that needs done, and otherwise being "ra-ra".

and that's something that i'd never describe myself as.

lastly, i was reminded of something that i had forgetten for a while. i shall not go into details here because things can so easily be taken out of context, especially with different people reading here. i have nothing to hide, but i just don't wish to court controvesy.

as someone has put it nicely for me, i was reminded of what my benchmark should be.

i was reminded of what things should be, instead of opting for the easier and more convnient option of settling for something less than perfection.

janice wong wrote something that i've never quite gotten out of my head.

lower my expectations to what? i'm not picky, i'm just being discerning.

ready to leave

2010-06-12T15:34:00.002+08:00

give me the beat boys

i was rather surprised today when i started packing for my cambodia trip; i realised that i had pretty much left much of my luggage to taiwan untouched in my bag, and it was all in a mess. i had pretty much just left my bag in the corner and not bothered about it for the better part of the past 2 months.

now, that wouldn't do, would it? after all, i do need my bag to pack my stuff to bring to cambodia, and so, after a couple of months of just leaving things as it is, of ignoring this mess, i begin to sort through the mess that was taiwan. i found a few clothes that when "missing", a couple of dirty laundry that needed washing, and some junk that simply had to be chucked away.

and then, i began to pack, putting new things, clean things into my bag. new interests and skills that i've acquired (my guitar tabs) found space in my bag, good old things too (my ret and opth). and really, i'm just so much more pleased with my luggage now - less crap, more good stuff - with me really just looking forward to this trip.

i've no idea what to expect in cambodia, but instead of feeling anxious, i'm really feeling quite good. previously, i had always been involved in the planning and executing of the trips to jakarta and india, but this time, i'm am simply a member of the trip, so this is a new experience for me - less responsibilities but also less information about what is going to happen. i'll be heading there without my group of friends too - a know a few of the team members, but the majority are older than me - doctors, dentists, pharmacists - but like i said, i'm feeling good about this trip and am looking forward to it.

so here's my farewell to those of you who are reading, i'm pretty much done with my packing, and hopefully, i can squeeze out a last football session with an old old friend of mine tonight just before i fly. that'd probably mean that i'd have to miss the world cup, but i've always said that i'd much rather PLAY football than watch football.

and with that, the last mess from taiwan was cleared and in its place, the same bag but with the junk thrown away, the clothes re-arranged with some new and some exciting stuff in it too.

my letters have been written, my bag has been packed.

i'm ready to leave.

letters

2010-06-07T12:23:00.002+08:00

my life's never been louder

when seagulls follow the trawler it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea.
-eric cantonna

what a brilliant footballer cantonna is, a legendand of course, what audacity and panache when he delivered this line to the media before walking out.

yesterday's been kind of a strange day, with me skipping from the cheerful to the thoughtful all day long. and it feels like i'm out at sea again.

i haven't been writing much here because i've been reading, but while penning something for a friend yesterday, i thought it'd be fun to try something else, and so i'd be undertaking a project of sorts before i fly off on sunday, so there would be, in all likelihood, not be any thing here for the 2 weeks, maybe more, because of the world cup. oh and would not be able to write about my trip to cambodia too. this is to protect our hosts and the people we're going to come into contact with from 'disappearing'. so no pictures, no writing about it, no nothing on the net basically. i cannot say anything except to say that i cannot say anything.

hahahaha

not online anyhow.

bye, and you guys will be hearing from me soon!

LOST finale

2010-05-28T00:49:00.000+08:00

brick by brick, we can build it from the floor, if we hold on to each other, we'll be better than before

i like the message of redemption, of reconciliation and of restoration conveyed in the song.

i have been laid low by a bout of flu which refused to go away and i haven't been able to do much. in fact this is one of the first few days when i'm actually feeling lucid. there so much that we take for granted when all is well, and health must surely rank high up in that list.

i'm just really glad and thankful that i can get back to reading - i've just got started on a fascinating apologetic - and surely getting back to football isn't too far away now, although i'd be playing alot less because of a choice that i've made.

and even to be able to get back here - to write - oh my, what a joy.

and so back to my topic today: redemption, reconciliation, restoration.

this week marks the end of 6 seasons of LOST. 6 years ago, while i was still a secondary 4 boy, i got started on this show, got acquainted with characters like jack, sawyer, sayid, hugo (not to mention fall in love with kate), and now, 6 years later, what an ending.

i will not go into detail about the story arcs but LOST has always been different, special in its own right. there are allusions to christianity, and the underlying themes of good versus evil, of fate and destiny against choice and decision, and of course, the struggles between john and jack, the man of faith against the man of science.

but at the heart of it all, is the relationship of the characters, all of them so very flawed, so fallen. all of them estranged.

jack was a fixer, so intent on fixing things that he lost sight of those that he cares around him. he never felt good enough to his father, and he indirectly caused his father's - a recuperating alcholic - death.

kate has trouble staying put, and is torn between jack and sawyer, and she murdered her step-father.

sawyer is a rogue, fears commitment and conman driven by revenge and killed a wrong man in his hatred. his father killed his mum, before committing suicide when he was a boy.

john is desperate to prove himself, to overcome his own fears of what he cannot do and his father cheated him of his kidney and pushed him out of a building causing him to be paralysed waist down.

sayid is a former torturer trying to make peace with his past and seek the woman whom he loves, but that led him to have to make difficult choices.

jin and sun are a couple who have lost their love for each other. jin is ashamed of his fisherman father, and dislikes the nature of the job that he does for his father-in-law, while sun resents her father for taking her husband from her.

hugo believes that he is cursed and was thought mentally unsound and he suspects his father who left is only back because he won the lottery. but hugo is perhaps the least screwed-up of them all.

and throughout the 6 seasons, we see just how messed-up they all are, how their imperfection led to sufferings, pain and even death.

jack said that he had pretty much ruin everything in his life and a tearful kate replied that he did not, nothing is irreversible.

indeed, at the end, there is redemption, reconciliation, restoration.

i'm so glad that in the end, kate chose jack, it just feels right, and in the end, jack had a chance to speak to his father and reconcile with him. in the end, our mistakes don't matter so much. the message is, everything that we do in this life matters, we only get one life to live, what's done, is done. there're no do-overs, no re-writes, no cheats codes to reset anything. everything that we do, matters.

but as for what we have done, we cannot change anything, but what we can do is to let go, reassured in the promise that in the end, there is redemption and restoration.

in the end, our estrangement and guilt to our loved ones will be reconciled (jack and christian), our guilt our wrongs about others which led to a heavy price being paid will be forgiven (jack and john), our failures despite our best efforts to save others isn't deprecated, but appreciated (jack and boone), our friends will be there despite our mistakes (jack and hugo) and because of our sacrifices for them (jack and desmond) our adverseries that we've come to respect and befriend out of grace and compassion (jack and sawyer) and the ones whom we have loved and held so dearly, but screwed up, they would be there too (jack and kate - one of the most beautiful scenes , no handshakes nor hugs needed, just a smile from kate and a knowing nod from jack as they held hands, even as jack gave up his last breaths), yes they would be there too, and we would be restored.

in the end, it will be alright.

amen.

REPOST DOWN-TIME

2010-05-21T20:37:00.000+08:00

are you down

hell yes, i'm down. with fever, dizziness, sore throat, everything.

i haven't been feeling too well since my mid-night football session after graduation but i still hauled my sorry ass out for the next couple of days and now i'm paying the price for ignoring the pleas of my body to rest.

so now i'm forced to stay at home with a mild fever and body aches, but i get light-headed real easily, like, i cannot-even-play-my-guitar easy. so i've just been sleeping, watching the final season of lost, sleeping, facebook-ing, and well, sleeping.

but it is really annoying that i've got to shelf all my plans and activities.

having been so intent in keeping myself busy, because i find it dull to have nothing to do, i now find myself staring at an enforced down-time.

because i'm down with a bout of viral infection.

and i was in high spirits on friday, with activities lined up throughout the long weekend.

then came saturday, and i woke up feeling fine. but all of a sudden, after i got home from a session of street soccer with the guys i got really sick.

and the day really dragged on, since there's really nothing that i can do, with me running a temperature, having muscle aches and headaches.

with me always complaining that weekends are too short, that they flash by an before you know it, it's blue-sy monday again, i now find that the days are too long, with absolutely nothing to do.

but with me being forced to stop running about doing things, i had time to think. to think about the people that i've neglected and not appreciated while i was "doing things".

miakoon put it nicely when he said that perhaps i just need to rest, that perhaps i just need to stop running around.

REPOSTED FROM Monday, 19 May 2008
http://desiderata-matt.blogspot.com/2008/05/down-time.html

REPOST THE YODAS

2010-05-15T23:20:00.001+08:00

hey dad

today, i struggled and was quite deeply troubled. and when i feel like that, i write.

jason had an extra ticket to a conference that was held earlier today and so he invited me. and it so happened that i wasn't able to play football today because of my grandfather's birthday celebration, which incidentally was at somewhere convenient for me to head to the conference. so i went.

it was a conference solely for the guys, and the speaker was talking about father figures and how fathers have such a big impact on their sons.

i won't go into the details of what was said (not now, not when my thoughts are still all over the place), but it unsettled me and i was in a pensive mood as i left the auditorium.

i realised that for so long, i'd been so focused on what i DON'T want. yet have little idea about what i DO want, especially with regards to issue that was being discussed.

on the cab back home, jason was asking me about me thoughts. i wasn't ready to answer, not with my mind in a mess, so i instinctively went into defense mode and equivocated. i could probably have managed to get away with it with someone who knows me a little less well, but to this big brother of mine, he was having none of it.

he said that he thinks i'm mature enough to be thinking about what was being discussed and challenged me to reflect on some very difficult questions that were asked.

just a quick digression, a few have commented on my maturity and i have 2 things to say about that. first, having known many of my charges for the better part of the last 2 years and having witnessed them grow up, with the benefit of being away for sometime as well, just so that any change becomes just so much more conspicuous, i've concluded that girls are more mature then the boys. wait, make that MOST girls are more mature than boys and the contrast in sensibility could not be more distinguishable than in primary and secondary school i feel. even later, perhaps all the way till the guy completes ns. i looked back at the way i dealt with problems, the way i viewed many things and compared them to the way my female counterparts did, and i feel ashamed. i'm reminded of a video that i had seen recently where mark driscoll said that loving a women is not for little boys. shut up, grow up and man up.

second, i think that i'm messed-up myself. throughout all that happened, i've had a part to play for such an outcome. i'm the furthest thing from blameless and i screwed up. messed-up and screwed-up notwithstanding, i do think that i've grown-up considerably these past couple of years too, not least due to people like jason and mr koh and a few others too.

i've never had a big brother at home, and so i've also been very comfortable around those older than me. but i'm thankful for the big brothers that have been placed in my life, thankful for their friendship, their guidance, and their challenges. and this is something that i strive to be to my students. often, i find myself trying to be what my big brothers were to me, to these students that i now am an elder to. i remember how i was encouraged by my big brothers and now endeavour to continually affirm my students for what that did well, and i remember how i was spoken to instead of being chastised when i erred and now, i put my arms around my students and walk with them and reason with them. my supervisor recently praised me for my patience and care for the students, especially the boys, for being this 'big brother' (those were her exact words) to them and i thought, all that i'm doing is, all that i know, was what these people had invested in me.

and i just want to thank these people, jefferson, evan, bear, josh, jason and miakoon again.

i'd wanted to write about the mentor figures in my life since the time that i wrote about the best teachers that i've had, teachers who made an impact, but never really got down to it.

but today, after meeting jason at his spanking, newly renovated house, i thought it's be appropriate to ink those thoughts down, while linking the words that have been swirling in my head since forever into sentences. (ink and link. cool huh. it came spontaneously. really.) anyway, more about jason later.

i've always enjoyed the company of those slightly older, slightly being anything within 10 years, maybe it's because i'm the eldest child in the family and the idea of having an elder sibling who has got more mileage on his/her meter than i has always been attractive.

and i've been fortunate, having so many different mentor figures at varying stages of my 19 years.

the first person that comes to mind when i think of a brother figure is jeff, short for jefferson. jeff was a volunteer helper at my mum's office, often helping out there after school (i think), and he was like an elder brother, playing basketball with me during those oh-so-dull afternoons after school while my mum is at work, helping me out with my schoolwork, teaching me to play the guitar (which i lost interest in after a while), and in general, awing me with how much me knew, and how he was able to solve what seemed like complex- too complex- problems to a 12 year old child with ease, and style.

jeff when to university and i went to secondary school, and slowly we were more and more involved in the challenges of our own. he helped out less at my mum's office, and i too spent less time there. but then came along evan, or evangeline. evangeline chong to be specific, and bear (junwei).

the both of them were influential during my upper secondary years, and in evan's case, beyond that.

bear was the one who got me my 'o' levels score of 7. no doubts about that. none at all. i was just looking through my secondary report book and at the end of secondary 3, i was struggling. matters were not helped by my unwillingness to hit the books till the absolute last minute- even my sister, whom i'd always considered to be lazy, is studying so much more than i did 4 years ago now- (although i always made a point to understand what's going on in class, there are distractions. haha, i'll leave it at that.). anyway, i got bear to help me with my studies at the beginning of secondary 4, and much as i didn't like the amount of work that he gave me every week, i would still do them, because he is someone that i look up to, someone that i didn't want to let down. and it wasn't easy on him too, being in the army, and having to deal with me an my frequently slipshod work. he encouraged me, got me working, offered me objective and partial viewpoints in my then 'radical' preference for the polytechnics (radical to my parents and schoolmates, most of them at least). and i thank him for that.

evan, now evan is like an elder sister, even now, although i admittedly get to see her al ot less now. but what i'll always remember is that she taught me self-control. i hate to lose, and i hate it so much that i'd cry when i was little and when i was a bit older, do everything within my might to not lose, and then some. what i meant by 'and then some' was that i'd lose my temper, totally, utterly, even when i was playing something like chess. it gets worse when it comes to games. i'd scream at my teammates, and as for my opponents, well, let's just say that at the least, words will be exchanged. on on such occasion, when i was in secondary 4 i think, evan hauled me off the court where we were playing captain's ball (captain's ball! it's not even football, and i can hardly believe to myself as i reminisce this), told me to stay out of the game and left me fuming there by myself. my team lost, and afterwards, after i'd calmed down somewhat, she spoke to me in private. i can't recall what she said to me then, but i do remember that whatever it was that she said, it got me thinking. and it was the first of the many lessons that i would have to go through on keeping my frustrations in check. after all, as liangfa once said to me, with a glint in his eye, always smile at your opponents and keep your composure no matter what they do; it bugs the hell out of them.

joshua and jason, they're close friends since their singapore poly years and they were the one who brought me, as a secondary 2 boy into their sunday football team consisting mainly of older players (jc and beyond). i was way out of my league then, but they encouraged me, guided me, mentored me, taught me things, befriended me, and a year on, named me captain. captain of a team that i've relatively new to, and whose members are mostly older than me. i was overwhelmed. but they helped me through that too. now captaincy sounds better than it really is, because it just means that i'm in charged of the logistics and the likes, but still, it was something that i treasured. and i learned many things from the experience, including lessons on self-control (again). i still see the both of them quite a bit, though jason is busy with renovating his new house and his wedding in november, while josh, well, we made a pact to play ping pong and to run together after the exams, because his buldging belly is getting out of hand (that's his reason) and also because he said that he's got a female friend, who incidentally is from sp too, who's interested too (that's my- oh well nevermind).

and then there's miakoon, who apparently thinks that he's got the vision of fabregas, and that he only lacks the fitness to execute what he 'sees'. me, i just think that he's fat, and so i coined the term 'fat fab' for him. he started playing football with us while i was going through one of the toughest periods of my life: when i was in pj. and i was glad for him, a Godsend to me. i wasn't sure about what i should do next, but i sure as hell knew that i didn't want to stay in jc. and with all the madness, hysteria and tears from my parents, my teachers, my peers, his words of wise council was soothing. soothing sounds euphemistic, and not all that great, i know, but go through what i did and you'll realise that soothing is, underrated.

there really are so many people that i should be thankful for, not least nelson, who like a wise old sage helped me through my jc years, but i'm struggling to recall them all offhandedly.

but i just want to end with a big thank you these people who invested part of the lives in me. and that i'm fortunate to have known them.

thanks.

REPOSTED FROM Saturday, 23 August 2008
http://desiderata-matt.blogspot.com/2008/08/yodas.html

the video of mark driscoll - for those who're interested.

REPOST HONEST-INTELLIGENT-CONVERSATION

2010-05-13T23:13:00.002+08:00

you'll never be perfect enough for me

track number one of the all for this album and what a track to start with. perfect is, quite simply, my favourite song of the entire album. i love the strings, i love the drums, i love the music, the lyrics, i love everything about the song, and i'm sure most would too, and i've been looping this song since forever.

something real cool showed up in my email inbox - a list of 10 ten questions (most - if not all - of which makes alot of sense), rather similar to the one that i will be re-posting.

i seem to be suffering from some kind of mental block now, so i'll just start copying and pasting.

Having female friends has certain undeniable benefits. Women, for example, are experts at knowing whether other women are good for you when they see them—it's embedded in their genetic code. And, just as important, they can spot a bunny boiler in the making.

In the absence of such close female compadres, however, you're at a disadvantage, especially when smitten. Which is why you should consider these 10 questions about your gal before offering her a permanent position. Our grading scale: Three strikes is forgivable, four strikes is a bit sketchy, and as for five or more—don't make us say, "We told you so."

Question 1
Are You the Center of Her World?
It might feel nice to be worshipped for a while, especially if you've just been dumped, but that'll get old fast—particularly when she calls four times during the season finale of The Wire.

She's a keeper if . . . she has at least one non-work-related hobby she's passionate about. It means she knows how to have fun without a man and that she won't need you constantly by her side. And if she continues to make time for her own friends (loyalty is good), she won't freak out when you plan a poker night.

Question 2
Has She Paid for Some Dates?
We know an uptown sort of lady who boasts to her friends, female and male, "I have never had to pay for a drink in my life." According to her retro worldview, men pay for everything, and her boyfriends wait on her hand and foot while she watches Desperate Housewives.

She's a keeper if . . . she likes treating you sometimes. It means she'll approach relationships in a more egalitarian way—and when she says she'll take you for richer or poorer, she'll mean it.

Question 3
Has She Always Exercised?
If she still has her seventh-grade swimming trophy and a collection of 10-K T-shirts, chances are she'll work out for decades to come, which means the great butt and killer legs that first grabbed your attention are here to stay. But those who go on exercise binges (is that a Tae Bo tape?) or fad diets, only to lose interest quickly, are destined for saddlebags. And if, like the girlfriend of a certain friend of ours, she stays slim by eating a plain celery stalk for dinner every night, pack her a nice sandwich before you dump her.

She's a keeper if . . . you can set your watch to her 30-minute gym visit. An active lifestyle means way more than having shuffled through a half-marathon 6 years ago.

Question 4
Does She Ever Surprise You?
A just-because present, perhaps? We know it sounds hokey. But we're not talking about a throw pillow bearing a photo of the two of you and the inscription "2gether 4ever" (unless it's a gag gift, in which case she's hilarious and a total keeper). No, we mean the little things that say she's thoughtful and likes the idea of taking care of you.

She's a keeper if . . . she notices that you're out of shaving cream and buys some; you arrive for a date and she's cooking, with a good bottle of red already breathing; she initiates sex.

Question 5
Does She Hate Her Job?
Our friend John dated a woman who always complained about work. "Turns out," he told us, "all that criticizing was just a cover for being hopeless at her job and her excuse for not getting off her butt to improve the situation." She wouldn't take responsibility for her own happiness, so she tried to find a sense of purpose in him—a burden nobody needs.

She's a keeper if . . . even if she's not in her dream job yet, she has a plan for getting there.

Question 6
Does She Own a Vibrator? Condoms?
If so, don't feel threatened. Taking an active role in her sexual health and sexual enjoyment bodes well for a long-term sex life. Women who use vibrators have higher sex drives, more orgasms, and better sex lives with their partners, according to a recent survey.

She's a keeper if . . . she knows how to harvest her own orgasms—then she can show you how to as well (ergo, no faking, and less pressure on you). Stock up on double A's.

Question 7
Does She Always Agree with You?
Yawn. You want a girl with an opinion. Not an annoyingly constant devil's advocate, but someone who will hear out your position and defend her own. A study found that couples who have heated spats but then make up have a better future in the sack than best-friend couples who never fight. Sparks are hot.

She's a keeper if . . . once in a while she plays Ann Coulter to your Al Franken. Or Maureen Dowd to your Rush Limbaugh.

Question 8
Are Your Zodiac Signs Compatible?
Trick question. If she cares, worry.
LOL! this question really cracked me up good.

Question 9
Do You Think She's Smarter?
That's a good thing. We've found in our own love lives that relationships are best when each thinks the other is a bit smarter. Life is richer with a woman who can teach you a thing or two. There's a difference between a woman who says or does impressive things and one who says or does cute things.

She's a keeper if . . . you're in bed and can't get something she said out of your head—and it wasn't when the two of you were talking dirty

Question 10
Did You Have First-Date Sex?
We can't tell you how many male friends have told us that first-date sex—oral or otherwise—is a long-term deal breaker. It's time to upgrade your thinking, gentlemen. This unabashed passion probably informs her work, her play, her politics, her future kids, her future libido, and more.

Our friends Melanie and Andrew, who got wasted and "went all the way" the first time they met, have been married for 5 years and have an adorable son. (And the sex is still very good. Hey, people tell sex-advice columnists everything.)

Don't let a great girl get away because of your old-fashioned prejudices - keep her!

cool stuff huh? and like i said, all very sensible stuff (to me at least). i recently heard an interview (i can't remember the name of the interviewee, but he's a local celebrity), but he said that when it comes to relationships, he has a 80-20 rule. 80% of the girl has to be what he likes and wants, while he's willing to accept the remaining 20% of the girl for who she is. there is so such thing as perfection, he says. and this really stuck in my mind because i thought that was pretty smart, and something that i would agree with. so if we were to adhere to his 80-20 rule, then 8 questions would have to answered positively for a women (we're not talking about girls here) to be considered a keeper.

i get interesting stuff send to my email from menshealth and the topics of the newsletters include food and nutrition, fitness, sex, health, and some general cool stuff.

so this newsletter reads, is she the one for you?

cool stuff huh.

in it they have a list of questions regarding potential conflicts in the relationship and the list include you and your partner's views of issues like:

1. money
2. family
3. religion
4. her career
5. your career
6. interests and dreams
7. discipline style (for the child)
8. genetics (??)
9. potential in-laws
10. her father

and lastly,

and the ultimate question...
finally, you need to ask yourself this: 'can i ask these questions and have an honest, intelligent conversation with this woman when we disagree?' because if you can't, none of her answers really matter.

3 words that i feel are really crucial: honest, intelligent, conversation.

honest means no deliberate equivocating, no concealing, honest means being forthcoming, being open, and honesty takes a leap of faith.

intelligent means that one must have a mind of his/her own, and be able to put them across coherently, or at the very least, in a manner comprehensible.

and perhaps most importantly, conversation means there's dialogue, an exchange of opinions, conflicting or concurring notwithstanding, but at the end of it, both parties understand where the other is coming from.

'can i ask these questions and have an honest, intelligent conversation with this woman when we disagree?' because if you can't, none of her answers really matter.

brilliant stuff, something that i totally agree with.

REPOSTED FROM Wednesday, 18 November 2009
http://desiderata-matt.blogspot.com/2009/11/honest-intelligent-conversation.html

at this point i just want to add a quick post-script. when you said that i've wasted enough time on you, i agreed almost too readily. why? because i was thinking, you'll never be perfect enough for me anyway.

please, let's get this straight, i used the word 'perfect', not 'good'. you'll never be perfect enough for me. not you'll never be good enough for me. for those of you who don't know the difference, please, go speak to an english teacher or something (i know a rather good one - myself), before you make yourself look like an idiot. i don't want to talk about 'good enough', because as far as possible, i try not to measure a person's goodness by one's smarts, eloquence, looks, finances, abilities (language, athletic, musical and the likes) skills, likes, dislikes, charisma et cetera.

but this is one of the biggest reason why throughout everything, i've only ever offered friendship, nothing more.

indeed, i've wasted 6 damned months on someone whom i've perhaps always known would never be quite perfect for me, and was damn near to agreeing to wasting even more time, doing things that i would (at best) have to learn to enjoy. what for? for a compromise? for a 50-50? and in the end, to settle? no, cos i'm raising the bar, i shoot for the moon, just to quote eminem.

i remember saying that i want to reclaim my life, and i think i'm doing just that. i'm playing the piano again, picking up the guitar (i can play a couple of songs in C and G now, noob stuff, yes, but it's something that i enjoy alot. i can pick up my guitar, start strumming, and find myself being unable to put it down - kind of like facebook effect), helping out at my primary school (i see a little of myself in many of them, but that's writing for another day) where the money is crap really - about $4 an hour and so if you were to subtract my travel and food expenses, i earn next to nothing really - but not having to work because of money, not having much that i need to buy anyhow, is something really enjoyable and fulfilling(some might say that i'm not ambitious, oh i think you're wrong. look around you, how many of you actually know what they are going to do in 2 years with confidence and certainty? i do. how many of you would be furthering your studies? i would. and how many are admitted into a university ranked the 30th in the world, 4th in asia? i am. oh i have ambition, perhaps even more so than you who are sneering.). i'm reading, i'm playing alot more football, and i have the freedom to do just drop everything that i'm doing and just go out and kick a ball at a moment's notice (it's great that school's out), catching up with old friends whom i didn't have time for, meeting new people. i'm doing what i enjoy everyday, things that i would not be able to prioritise if i had continued to waste my time.

anyway, the all for this album really is good. if you enjoyed perfect, you'll probably enjoy the rest of the album too, so go get it or something.

REPOST OH I THINK I'VE HEARD YOU

2010-05-10T23:01:00.003+08:00

you were never the martyr you pretended to be and you know

evanescence is one of my favourite bands around and their debut album fallen is so good that i actually went to but it (which is a big deal because $20 was alot of money to me as a school boy) and i never regretted getting that album. dark (bothering on creepy), loud, and an amazing vocalist in amy lee would be how i'd choose to describe the band's sound, but evanescence never reached the heights of fallen ever since ben moody left the band. somehow, i've always felt, the band's follow-up efforts, while decent, were missing an edge, an ommph that made fallen so spectacular.

and so imagine my excitement when i found out that ben moody came up with his solo album and i immediately went to get it. while the tracks were not as hard-hitting as those on fallen there's this indubitable evanescense vibe to them. a little more down tempo, almost alanis morissette-esque, but very very good nonetheless.

this song is titled 10.22, the first single off his all for this album and i'm already liking it, even before really listening to the album.

post today is about music, songs specifically and it was posted with 2 other songs - all or nothing by theory of a dead man, and no surprise by daughtry.

the ideal love song (quite unlike love story which feels to fairtale-ish) and the perfect break-up song.

it has been said that songs are the poetry of today, with a tune (some poems were written to be sung anyway).

the beauty of poetry lies in its subtle yet deliberate presentation of the subject matter, through the poet's chosen style, form, techniques and diction.

each poem is elegant, conveying the poet's thoughts and prose, and in comparison, common prose appears to become cumbersome and crude with the restrictions of grammar and linguistics and its explicitness.

nothing too cryptic about all or nothing but it does tell of a beautiful love story, from the first meeting the lovers ending up tying the knot.

and the notion of all or nothing in a relationship is indeed something to ruminate upon, the idea of giving, and sharing, everything that one has, and is, with another is something not to be taken lightly.

all or nothing means that the relationship is no fling, it has marriage in mind (after all "social norms" dictates that marriage is the 'all' in most relationships - "social norms" is a hotly debated term but that's writing for another post), and even beyond that, it has forever in mind - forever in the most conservative sense of the word - or nothing at all.

you and i will be a tough act to follow but i know in time we'll find this was no surprise

oh and as for no surprise, pretty clear cut here: it's just a break up song that sounds good.

REPOSTED FROM Monday, 18 May 2009
http://desiderata-matt.blogspot.com/2009/05/and-oh-i-think-ive-heard-you.html

REPOST FRAILTIES AND FAILINGS

2010-05-09T13:25:00.005+08:00

do you come here much? i swear i've seen your face before

i've never been the biggest fan of katy perry, but she is SO INCREDIBLY GORGEOUS IN THE VIDEO!

oh and there's just this small matter of the song being rather catchy and easy to like.

if. i'm not quite sure if it's just me, but i've got a penchant for trying to predict what would happen, where we would be, what we would be doing, how things will go. i try to do this based on facts, logic (i hope), and a healthy dose of imagination and speculation. it is said that know the past - master history and one can predict the future.

i'd been proven right, but i'd been horribly wide off the mark too.

we try to make plans, make decisions based on what we think will happen, but more often than not, we are to be proven very wrong.

it was predicted that singapore would record a second consecutive quater of strong growth economically. all the signs were pointing to a recovering economy - employers were hiring, there was demand for goods and services in the market, investors were confident. but who would have expected a volcano in tiny iceland to cripple the entire air travel industry not just in europe, but globally? millions upon millions of euros, dollars, pounds, yen, were lost, but who could have known that this would happen?

loh ying jie was from the canoe team in njc, just completed his ns and was applying to study in a local university, gone, just like that. who would have known this would happen?

let's just be very careful about the plans we make and how we make them. many things can change and as the saying go, life's a fickle bitch. life's not like a simple mathematical equation - there're so many variables that we know not of, that we cannot even dream of controlling.

try solving a equation like this xyz(?)= 3, whereby x, y, and z are constants and ? is a variable that you have absolutely no idea about, and like all variables, is always changing.

i'm no mathematician, but i do think that such a feat is impossible.

plans are all good and fine, don't get me wrong, i've made my fair share of plans myself (and i do hope that i can get the chance to study at nus on 2 years time), but when life does throws us a curve ball, there are times when we simply have to duck; holding our ground due to obstinacy or pride would only result in a nasty smack in the face.

and most importantly, when we're making decisions, remember this: life is lived in the present - not the past, nor the future.

the frailties and failings of humans.

anything can happen to anyone anytime. that's what i've realised. lives can turn upside down in an instance, yet things still seem so surreal, yet others can't seem to care less. yet others don't and can't seem to understand, or empathise.

and the very things that one places one's expectations and hopes on, against one's better judgement, they bring nothing but disappointment. the hype and excitement promise much, yet delivers nought, bar dejection.

REPOSTED FROM Saturday, 24 November 2007
http://desiderata-matt.blogspot.com/2007/11/frailties-and-failings.html

REPOST KOTA SERANG 09 & WEEK 7

2010-05-06T22:24:00.001+08:00

cos i'm raising the bar, i shoot for the moon

this is eminem back to his best. i like the way he said:

let's be honest, that last relapse cd was "ehhhh"
perhaps i ran them accents into the ground

which is exactly what i thought of last year's relapse album too.

last year. what a strange concept last year is to me now, oddly. last year seems to be such an awfully long time ago, looking from the other side of graduation. i always used to feel that time is all squashed together while i was studying, and last year, or 2 semesters ago seemed like mere months. but now, when i think last year, last year feels like a long, long time ago.

and last year, oh my, what a year it had been.

i've been playing a little bit of football with the cls team, and on monday, baoren announced that trainings would be reduced to accommodate the poly 50 trainings that would take place twice a week and my first thought was, poly 50? it felt like such a long time ago when i was the one training my guts out, when we were strategizing and decided that yiliang, joseph and i would run, run , and run. and then run somemore.

going back a little further, i remember a chat that i had with reuben and emu near the end of year 2 when they raved about just how fit they felt during the poly 50 times, the intensity of the trainings, and the high that one experiences after the run, and i remarked that i would love to experience poly 50 for myself, so when the chance came about to participate in my third year, i jumped at that chance.

and then i thought, wahlau, it's just poly 50 training. is there really a need to reduce football? i remember coming back to school on sundays just to train for poly 50 in the midst of all the hustle and bustle of reports and presentations and projects and then going to play football with the cls team stiff like a rod from the ache that my whole body was experiencing as much so that walking hurts, and i've never asked for trainings to be canceled. worse was when i was in year 1 and 2, when i was training with the sp team on mondays, wednesdays and fridays/saturdays, and thursdays with the cls team, and no one bothered about how i would 'cope' with my school work.

apparently emu thought the same as me and wondered aloud how come we could do fine juggling all the different trainings last year (the year that we won the championship incidentally).

ah, poly 50, ah, the football inter-cons, ah.

like i said, what a year, and what a beginning to that year - a trip to jakarta - almost a life-changing trip, one could argue. i was rather disenchanted with optometry, which i thought was dull and repetitive, but the trip really opened my eyes to this whole other aspect of optometry - an aspect which i enjoy so thoroughly, feeling that i could really use what i learnt to benefit others, to the joys of serving without asking for anything in return, just, returning to society what, by grace, i have been bestowed were the words that i used i believe.

later last year, i would go to india, and come june this year, i'll be going to cambodia, all because the trip to jakarta awoke this passion in me, to help and also to travel, and really live a country for what it is, not just taking in the sights and having fun, but to have a real chance to experience a country and its people.

and so these were my thoughts, upon my return from jakarta, a wonderful year ago.

p.s. i think i did say that i would repost entries that were written from about 6 months back, but it was a drier spell than i had initially thought (i had spent a lot of time writing a 147 page report i call my fyp - a distinction project - if i may boast a little here), there is almost nothing reasonably decent to choose from, and so i thought i'd just go on ahead and repost anything that i fancy.

i've been back in singapore for over 2 weeks now, but i haven't had the time nor will power to really take the time out to put my thoughts into words till now, firstly, because i was ill for the entire week after my return, and then it was a equally hectic week in clinic.

my trip was thoroughly enjoyable, despite my initial misgivings about my teammates. my first impressions of the team setting out to kota serang was that we're such a motley crew. while i had no qualms about the undoubted ability of the team to get things done, i was really unsure about the dynamics of the team, about how the team was going to function.

and how i was to be proven mistaken.

i chose to go to kota serang despite most of my classmates and friends choosing to head to batam, simply because jakarta was where i could really make a difference with what i had learnt (we'd be screening patients of all ages, and it is generally a less well-off area whereas the batam team primarily screen children. also, i don't quite fancy kids.), and i was prepared to go alone if i had to. to me, where my friends were going, who the lecturer(s) in charge was, how much i'd have to pay, they were not an issue. i wanted to help, i wanted to do, feel, experience something that i had not yet done, felt, experienced and that was it. if my friends were with me, fine, great - in fact - but i was prepared to go my own way, to find my own way, the way that i knew that i could.

so right from the start i was taken right out of my comfort zone, and placed into a group of people whom i'm not familiar with, which could explain my initial misgivings.

but like i said, i was to be astounded.

not only were we incredibly able, the team was astonishingly balanced and gelled from the very moment we touched down in indonesia.

let me explain: when i said that i enjoyed myself thoroughly during the trip, i meant that i enjoyed that company of the people on the trip, as well as the Indonesian students whom we collaborated with for the screenings. everything else that could go wrong, went wrong.

after touching down in jakarta airport, and on our way to our would be accommodation for the next 9 days, the bus broke down. and we were left stranded on the side a of a road, in the middle of nowhere for about an hour. later in the night, we experienced the first of many blackouts in the next 9 days.

the government officials there were not cooperative and seemed more interested in lining their own pockets then the well being of the people who they were elected to serve, and the facilities and resources available to us were limited at best.

and there were a lot more patients then we had expected turning up (we had a what-we-thought-ambitious target of 200 patients a day, and we ended up screening on average approximately 300 patients a day, with the patient count peaking on thursday at about 370), with a lot less manpower then what we were led to expect. (the indonesian students were "requested" by the local authorities to screen at 8 other locations)

these are but a few of the numerous obstacles that we were posed with, and i'm proud to say that the very team that i had so much reservations about came through so competently and much more impressively, and predominantly, we came through as a team through and through, with the sense of camaraderie tangible.

also, the indonesian students were responsible for shaping the trip into what it was, both categorically delightful, successful, and thus, rewarding. they were an intrinsic part of the team throughout the entire 9 days, helping us especially with the communication with the locals, and above that, delighting us with their sense of responsibility, initiative, with their friendship, and their hospitality, albeit in a different way that we were accustomed to.

we were worked hard in kota serang, and the food was different to what we were used to in singapore - everything's fried - and the was a perpetual burnt smell in the air - the indonesians burn almost everything, from their fields to their rubbish, and we were in a unfamiliar environment, and many of my teammates gradually felt the strain and felt unwell.

but i was well, and always ready for action - so to speak - despite operating on 2 to 3 hours of sleep a day, eating from the roadside stalls, working hard, and eating almost everything that was given to me (i'm not too fussy about food - rice to me, be it soft, clumped together, o hard, is still rice,and will be devoured accordingly.) that is, until i returned to singapore.

and all of a sudden, my body gave way. i just felt unwell, and the doctors too were puzzled. and i still had to drag myself to school to deal with the things that i had to.

and herein lies the lesson that i've learnt: do not be too quick to judge. the every things that may seem dubious, may yet prove to be the only thing to hold on to (as in the case of my teammates) , the very things that appear so different, may yet be endearing, precisely because of their dissemblance (as in the case with the indonesian students), and too, the things that signifies comfort and luxury and familiarity and goodness, can very well be the things that you do not quite need, and can do very well without.

REPOSTED FROM Thursday, 9 April 2009
http://desiderata-matt.blogspot.com/2009/04/kota-serang-09.html

Week 7: Summary

Write an essay of ~1000 to 2000 words (minimum of 100 words is required) describing how each aspect of this ITP has helped you in your learning in this course of optometry.

Right from the start, from our very first team meeting, the tone of this ITP experience was set: first and foremost, it would not be like a field trip during my secondary school days where all I had to do was to show up. Instead, I was appointed logistics head, and by the end of the hour-long meeting, I had a list of to-dos and at the top of the list, I had to obtain quotations of vaccinations and insurance from our team. So right from the outset it was made clear to me that I, and everyone in the team for the matter, had to earn our keep, and contribute for this trip to be successful. The lecturers will guide us along the way, but it will be up to us to complete the tasks set for us. Such confidence, independence and initiative to execute an assignment will be intrinsic, I reckon, in year 3 whereby I have to manage patients in clinic. Sure, my clinicians will be there to counsel me, but it will be I, by myself, performing and dealing with the patients.

Furthermore, I knew few of my teammates since most of my friends and classmates opted for the Batam trip. As such, I had to learn to work with course mates, many of whom I did not know well, and even more challengingly, I had to assign these people who were effectively strangers quotations to seek out, items to purchase and equipments to prepare and pack. I soon settled in, and got to know a few more people and made several friends whom I would otherwise not get a chance to be acquainted with. This chance to mingle and work with some of my other course mates would soon prove to be invaluable with the shuffling of classes in year 3.

The first week of ITP was overwhelming and daunting initially. I recall waking up on Monday morning not knowing quite what to expect from ‘Clinic Orientation Week’, and the first thing that we were briefed about was the demerit point system. I was immediately put-off by the seemingly countless dos and ‘don’ts, but worse was to come as we proceeded to the revision of our clinical skills where we had to go about a full general examination under 90 minutes. I was overwhelmed as I had not performed these examinations for a considerable amount of time and now, I was expected to complete all of these tests (many of which I was still unsure about) under 90 minutes. On hindsight, it was a great refresher course of sorts that was to be of immense assistance for the screening in Indonesia, the week in clinic later in week 5 and will be, irrefutably, for clinic come the new semester. The preliminary uncertainties notwithstanding, I soon grew in assurance and competence as the testing week went on.

Week two was preparation for the departure to Jakarta proper and it was the first real chance for me to get to know my teammates better. There were items to be borrowed, arranged and packed, sure, there were modified clinical skills to acquire, learn and master, yes, and there was a unfamiliar language to pick up, but it was overall, a much less hectic and grueling week than the previous one and thus, we had more time to mix around and ‘hang out’. Additionally, I gained insight to the screening aspect of optometry, learning to provide the best possible care to a patient despite being under constrains of resources, to improvise, a useful aspect of optometry undoubtedly, but one that I would not have been exposed to had I not chosen to go on an OITP.

The third week spent in Indonesia can be considered the highlight of the entire ITP. It was in Kota Serang that I was exposed many of the different pathologies and conditions that prior to the trip were just a picture or a paragraph of words in the textbook to me. I came across cataract, macular degeneration and pterygium cases, among others, conditions that I would not have much chance to be exposed to in Singapore. Also, the sheer amount of patients ensured plenty of practice for clinical skills like opthalmoscopy and retinoscopy and we had to be swift, yet precise. This extra practice and experience gained would put me in good stead when it comes to clinic in year 3, where speed and above all, accuracy are required. Moreover, the 9 days spent in Indonesia allowed me to experience a whole new aspect of optometry. In Singapore, the emphasis is on me, as a professional and optometry as a profession, a job on what I can do to manage MY patients better, on how I can be a better optometrist, ME, or how I can earn more money for MYSELF. Yet in Indonesia, I was volunteering, as a more privileged member of the society, with nothing whatsoever to gain for myself, to put to use what I had been given, by grace, and to return in what ways that I can to the society and enhance the quality of life of others. This was the whole new side of optometry that I had the privilege to experience: optometry as a vehicle for service, whereby the fundamentals of optometry do not revolve around me and what I can do for myself. Curiously, it was from such service that the joy and the delight of the course emanates.

Coming back to Singapore, I was down with food poisoning, together with several of my other teammates, but still, work had to be completed and I dragged myself to school to work on the presentation and the video of the trip, but it was a fulfilling experience nonetheless, as looking through the pictures, the videos taken and describing to the SJI students what we did in Indonesia really brought home and reinforced the gratification and the relish that we tasted in Indonesia - the fulfillment derived from the recognition of the good that can be done through our vocation, and I staunchly believe that it is this fulfillment that will help me through the storms that are to come, as I continue my voyage in optometry.

Finally, there was the week in clinic seeing patients as we would when school re-opens, except that we worked in pairs and this helped greatly to lessen the step adapting curve of being left to our own devices and dealing with real patients as we would at least have someone to prompt and assist us whenever we were lost. Moreover, this week in clinic gave me a taste of what to expect in clinic and helped me familiarise with the modus operandi of SPOC.

All in all, I am certainly glad and grateful to have been presented this privilege to go on this trip and experience all that I did, from the initial feeling of being inundated, to the subsequent confidence that I gained, the new friends that I’ve made, the joy, the frustrations, the sense of achievement and so much more. I would not claim that this ITP has helped me merely in my learning of optometry; doing so would not do it any justice. Instead this ITP has been a life lesson, impacting many areas of my life, not least, my study of optometry.

a little over the top with the hyperbole me thinks, but hell, it's consider a literary style too - hyperbole.

and i discovered just how uncomfortable i am writing narratives as i had to for certain parts.

REPOSTED FROM REPOSTED FROM Thursday, 9 April 2009
http://desiderata-matt.blogspot.com/2009/04/week-7summary.html

REPOST MATURITY

2010-05-01T16:35:00.009+08:00

WE WANT PRE-NUP YEAH!

brilliant re-done by the glee cast although the oringinal version by kanye west is so much more funny.

i've been really really busy so i haven't really had the chance to do anything here till today.

i haven't been able to play football with some of my best footballing friends far a long time and i jumped at the opportunity to do just that earlier today, and after that, i had lunch with a good friend of mine, one of my best friends a few years ago, but we fell out when he stamped on my ankle a long while ago and refused to apologise.

we were just catching up on what we were doing (he is studying now) while i told him that i'm not really working despite the very substantial amount of money being offered in the optical trade. i explained that i don't fancy the hours and anyway, i've got the rest of my life to work, so i figured that in this half a year or so, i want to learn the things that i've always wanted to, try the things that i've never gotten the chance to, experience the things that i might never again get the chance to.

to my surprise, he immediately understood where i was coming from, about how money is always meant to be a mean to an end, not an end unto itself, about how there are so many more things in life to live for than a mere number.

we went on speaking about this, about how some work so hard for money just so that they can buy a 1.2k louis vuitton bag (it's all good and well if you have the ability to get that, but to toil day and night, just so that you can get a bag to make a statement, now that is something else) when he said that well, some girls choose to go for rich guys for exact same reasons.

he told me about a friend of his who was seeing this rich guy, who according to this friend of his, is very ordinary - apart from his money that is. and when asked about why she chose that guy (apparantly she's quite a looker), she tried to explain how great he is.

in the words of my friend (he was speaking in mandarin), 那些小小的, 哇, 都可以说到很好, which translates to even the littlest things she managed to make them sound great. and when prompted further, this friend of his came up with well, he did alot for me.

and upon further probing, he did alot for me simply meant: he's willing to spend alot of money on me, and that's how materialistic some people can be, concluded my friend with a half shrug.

i couldn't help smirking while he was telling me about his friend.

and i really understand just why we were such good friends in the very first place; we are just so similar, in the way we see things, in our interests - so similiar that we both share this trait of hard-headedness, which was why we fell out and didn't speak to each other for so long.

it was only today, after close to 2 years since that incident that we spoke like that, the way we used to, full of laughter and honesty again.

and so, this is the second person that i've found forgiveness in my heart for, someone who readily forgave me for my part in our falling out since i came back from taiwan.

ok, this is a longer introduction than i had intended to, but this entry was about how people view maturity as financial muscle and how i disagree with such a view. this was also the post which the guy who calls himself the modernsophist commented on.

and here goes.

now that i'm in my final year, words like maturity and grown-up are being thrown about almost ad nauseum. but really, what is maturity? it seems that all that have been suggested is financial independence or security.

i was speaking to a friend in uni, one who i had not seen for some time, and he asked me about what i want to do after i graduate. i said that i'm looking to try my hand at something that i had always enjoyed, but never gave myself a chance to explore. i do not wish to continue my current course of study, in other words.

he asked why.

while i do not dislike optometry, in fact, i'm enjoying year 3 more than ever, experiencing a whole new aspect of optomtry, the social and community part, going overseas to serve and return what i've been blessed with, i really cannot see myself working as an optometrist full-time after i graduate. teaching is an option, but lecturing is a different proposition all together; lecturing is generally more detached and less intimate than teaching.

my friend then asked something that sums up what growing up is to him, his defination of maturiy, something that, i'm sure many of us share too.

he said that as he nears graduation, there begins a need to consider what job that he can take upon graduation, the prospects of that job, the sort of pay to expect, how much to use to support his parents, how much it takes to support a family (he has a serious girlfriend), and that sometimes it matters not what you enjoy, but rather, what you have to do.

but really, is that all there is to maturity? i've got friends who believes themselves to be mature just because they have an idea about what it is that they like to work as after they graduate, the amount of money that they would like to receive, the plans that they have for this money.

call me callow, but i've never considered all these.

maturity to me, is realising that life contains so much more, that life is a process of learning, of exploring, of living and that there is no end unto itself in life. in other words, graudation is merely a milestone of sorts, not a finishing line signifying the end of a part of ourselves. there is so much more to learn, to explore, to live then just toiling day and night for something that has no value without a purpose. let me explain, money, is a mean, not an end, and that for money to have value, there needs to be an avuenue for the exchange of that dollar note into a certain good or service that fulfills a certain desire. while getting a new bag, or new shoes, or new clothes can be extremely gratifying, the pleasure is fleeting at best. and then, you need more.

some argue that maturity means settling down and starting a family, and therefore, as fianancial stability is a requisite for a family, then accordingly, maturity means taking a predominantly financial outlook in our context.

i disgree on 2 counts.

firstly, there is an inherent fault in such thinking because there is an irreparable relationship between money and family. while i agree that one has to work to support a family, i too believe that one cannot focus on the money and enjoy family life. there is an irreconcilable difference in the 2. something's got to give, and for the most of us, it's a choice that we have to make.

secondly, perhaps more controversially, i submit that there is more, much much more to live then to settle down and form a family. ther is such much in life to offer, so many mountains to seek out and conquer, so many books to read, so many places to go, so many things to attempt that it seems to me that children are very much a liability. to me, life can be what you choose it to be, so why pick the option of the arduous and mundane? to work from 9 to 5, or in our case, 11 to 9, have 2 children, go overseas once a year, return home to supervise the children with their homework, to be so - ordinary, so monotonous.

surely maturity can't mean learning to enjoy the dull?

REPOSTED FROM MONDAY, 14th September 2009
http://desiderata-matt.blogspot.com/2009/09/now-that-im-in-my-final-year-words-like.html

REPOST DESIDERATA

2010-04-27T00:08:00.005+08:00

take my 5 loaves and 2 fishes do it as you will

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

- Max Ehrmann, Desiderata

REPOSTED FROM FRIDAY, 18th MAY, 2007
http://desiderata-matt.blogspot.com/2007/05/desiderata.html

back to the start

2010-04-26T23:23:00.004+08:00

swore you were just hanging out, so why'd you look so scared baby every time your phone would ring?

alright, hi to all who are reading this.

i've always requested that this place not be linked, and i've never said much about about me writing here. it's just me, i enjoy reading and writing - well, i applied to the faculty of arts and social sciences in nus after all - and, pardon my lack of humility, i do think that i'm better at these things then most of my peers.

this is me, i'm confident about what i am, and accordingly, sure of what i'm not.

reading and writing, to me, is composing. it is said that winston churchill read a book every night, even during the blitz. he said that reading made him think better. well, for me, writing makes me think better, clearer.

and this's the purpose for this place: for me to pen my thoughts down, for me to think, and for me to share my thoughts with my good friends. i've always requested to not be linked because i enjoy my own space here, with trusted people who have the courage to disagree with me, challenge me, but not judge me. perhaps it's just my temperament (i'm choleric/melancholy) to not feel so comfortable with too many eyes staring at me.

i've never password-protected this place either, simply because i thought that if this someone would go through all the hassle to find this place, well, then i'm glad that this person values my opinion so much as to go through all that trouble, and i wouldn't begrudge this person finding this place.

furthermore, i've got nothing to hide here - these are just my musings - i write infrequently, and when i do write, i've always written about boring stuff anyway. i don't write about what i did, nor do i write about what i ate, where i went, what i bought et cetera (kellyn does a brillant job writing about things like that anyway, and in terms of recount writing, i think she's a superior writer than i am).

just a quick digression, my posts are usually few and far between because i do spend alot of time and effort on them (those that are worth reading that is). whenever something does interest me, i like to mull it over that in my head for sometime before i even start to write, and every so frequently, i'd run into a dead end and find that i simply cannot substantiate on that particular subject matter or organise my thoughts into a coherent and congruent piece of writing, at least not with my limited knowledge, intellect and grasp of the language, and i'd have to reluctantly shelf that topic in my head, perhaps to write about that sometime later.

and so, i've never really expected to have many readers here, nor do i wish for that.

but obviously, my previous few entries have been rather interesting to many people and i seem to have struck how-to-get-more-people-reading-your-blog gold. and so be it. like i said, i have nothing to hide.

everything that was written here had been said to you, and i have absolutely no qualms about repeating everything that i had written in front of you, again, nor to anyone else. i have questioned you, but i have not been answered satisfactorily (if at all), and again, i have absolutely no reservations about asking those exact same questions in front of you (and perhaps many other questions that i had deemed not so pertinent), nor to anyone else. i stand by what i have written, and again i say, i have nothing to hide.

question is, do you?

i've stuck to the facts, and i've tried to the best of my ability to present them in an objective and detached manner. i presented my point of view, but i made no accusations. all i did was to recount what happened, as well as to air my thoughts and my doubts. and to anyone else, they can make up their own mind. i was concerned that my posts would appear to be mud-slinging, but i needed the release that writing provides me, and i was reassured by some that my tone was alright. i must admit that i had at some point taken cheap shots at you, i couldn't resist, but yes, i was emotional. guilty as charged.

of the many things that i can be accused of, i don't think that i can be said to be a hypocrite. i've been charged with being 'fierce' on the pitch, but that's just me showing my true emotions, that's just me showing just how i feel. if i feel disgust for that sloppy pass, that half-hearted challenge, the sluggish movement around me, i show it. guys who've played football with me (the sport that i'm most passionate about, the one that i get the most upset about too) should know just how much i'd moan if i don't feel that my teamates and i are giving our 100%. i don't like losing at all, and i'm not afraid to show it. i'm sorry i'm not someone who can smile and say it's alright when i'm fuming about a sloppy pass (i've learnt that different people respond differently and that somethings a word of encouragement is what is required, but i still can't bring myself to say it's ok - it's not ok - but i've learnt to say something like, guys we can play better than this). bill shankly once said, show me a good loser and i'll show you a loser. and so the most logical question now is, is winning really that important? my answer? there are more important things in life than winning, but i believe that in everything that we do, we should put our best in. and best means no sloppy passes, no half-hearted challenges, no sluggish movement.

in my dealings with people, i've tried to be genuine as well. if i don't like you, i don't like you, period. i will not smile and laugh and joke with someone, and turn around to laugh and joke about them when they're not around. nor would i laugh and joke with someone, and turn around to laugh and joke about they're suicide threats. and in a way, despite me not liking some of these people, i actually treat them better than their 'friends' simply because i don't join in with the bitching about them behind their backs.

if i don't like you, i will not even add you on facebook. i understand that different people view this differently, and i respect that. some add anyone that they are acquainted with and that's the end of the discussion. but for me, considering that the person that i add would have access to my pictures, my conversations with my friends, my status updates, i've rejected friend requests of people whom i simply don't know well. needless to say, those whom i do not like (i'm still polite to them of course), i do not add them at all.

i've pretty much steered clear of bitching about our clinicians and lecturers too but i do have to confess that i have said some unpleasant things about evan. i've since realised my mistake and as far as possible, avoided talking about her, for the simple reason: my opinion of her isn't very good, and i make no denials about that.

evan isn't a friend on facebook.

and if i do like someone, i'd like to think that i do try my best to show that someone that he/she is treasured. i'll stand by my friends and i have on a number of occasions for a number of them (i'm lucky in a way that i've some rather popular friends in poly, so i don't have much defending to do). jordon, however was always a running joke among some of us. at the expense of sounding like i'm a saint (i'm not) i've always made my stand clear: jordon is my friend, and i will not have any part to do with the bitching about him. jordon may be annoying at times yes, but i've always enjoyed his company, and his heart is in the right place. at the very least, he is more frank and honest than quite a few people that i know. i remember once when i was with jordon and we wanted to meet with the rest of the guys. they didn't want jordon there and lied to him saying that they were going home, but secretly messaged me telling me where they were. i really didn't know what to do then, and so i accompanied jordon and had dinner with him till he was supposed to meet his friend before heading down to find the rest of the guys. it came to a point when i was accused of sitting on the fence when i refused to join in the mocking of my friend. i merely shrugged that comment off, but i thought in my head, you're wrong. it takes bloody guts to choose a side - and i have chosen my side, its just a side that is opposite to yours, i choose not to betray my friend - i choose to stand against you, and you, you who do not even know why you dislike jordon, but was merely repeating what the rest were saying, you have no bloody right to accuse me of 'sitting on the fence'.

even when it came to you, when there were some unpleasant things said about you, i did not pay any heed to those accusations.

maybe i'd suffer the repercussions for actually saying all these, but hell, if you're unhappy about what i've written, you probably are not supposed to even know of this page's existence, you were not meant to read this. i've disagreed so many times about so many things with some of my friends and i've written about what i thought here. they took in what i had to say, told me where they were coming from and understood that i was just speaking my mind, that i was just being frank with them and we have since become much better friends because of that.

and so, if any of you are to disagree with what i've said, i'd be more than willing to hear what you have to say. i am ready to apologise for any false and wrongful insinuations that i might have made or for my own oversight in some areas of my speech and actions that i have not been careful and guarded about.

therefore, this place is simply where i can be honest, to both myself and to my friends. i'd hate to sound like a puritan, to sound like i'm putting myself on a pedestal with a holier-than-thou mindset. no. i'm just presenting my conviction for some of the things that i don't feel is quite right and explaining my refusal to take part in them.

i remember my first ever entry on this page close to 3 years ago. it was a short post about what this page is all about. today, i write a long post about what this page is about.

i'm kinda disappointed that i'm only getting new readers when i'm writing so poorly, and so what better chance to showcase the writings that i'm proud of than now? so i came up with this wonderful idea to re-post some of my past writings from 6 months back, despite that being probably one of the driest period for writing personally. i was writing so much for fyp and my mind constantly occupied with shit that i had to deal with (your shit, might i add), but i do reckon that i did come up with some reasonably posts (there was even one which a guy who calls himself the modern sophist commented on. i don't know this guy, but i went to his page and he writes some decent stuff there. i don't like the name modern sophist though. sophists, for those who didn't know, were teachers who taught for money in ancient greece, who thought themselves learned and wise and thus, stop questioning and stop learning, choosing instead to focus on hair-splitting arguments.) and i'm excited about re-reading them. for those new readers, well, i'm sorry it's back to the boring stuff and what better way to make those who are here merely for a show to go away. for those who've read them already (i just read a message from a good friend asking me about how i've been doing and that i return to my usual writings. i'm thankful for such a friend, and i'm happy to oblige.), well, re-read them anyway. maybe there's something in there that might be thought-provoking, or something that we've forgotten. these posts are by no means perfect, i'm very limited, and there are grammatical errors abound (i'm almost never proof-read my posts simply because i put in a lot of thought and effort into them, and by the time i'm done, i really just want to post it. and unless the error is really conspicuous, only a handful will notice anyway, hahahaha)

i shall start the ball rolling with a poem, my second post here and the reason for my url, that mr koh gave me before he left for australia (mr koh taught me for a mere 3 months, but left such a profound impact on my life and has been such a major influence and encouragement in my decision to apply for fass despite the initial misgivings of my parents and friends.) before going on to re-post the entries that i like from the past 6 months or there about.

and so, here's bye to some of you.

7 weeks

2010-04-20T02:27:00.000+08:00

7 weeks ago, i was shaken. they say that ignorance is bliss. maybe. perhaps that's why those people lied to me, perhaps they thought i'd be better off not knowing. perhaps they have a point, perhaps not. but the signs were clear as day, right in front of me, and i couldn't miss them even if i tried. and there was this disquiet in my heart. 7 weeks ago, i was so badly shaken, but i wasn't surprised.

6 weeks ago, i fought back. i said that i would not sit on my hands and do nothing and i refused to back down, and i responded with my might. i was flying off to thailand, i knew, but i was quietly confident (although erroneously so). i didn't know about the reassurance that you gave him then, but i didn't want to pressure you into telling me things that you didn't want to, especially not after an overnight stay at a chalet without much sleep and with a mild headache from all the alcohol that night before (for me).

5 weeks ago, i came back from thailand and was to fly off to taiwan in a couple of days time. you did all the right things, spoke pretty well too, and i honestly thought that we were going somewhere. one step forward. by then, i had already heard about how things were not quite as simple, but i paid no heed those words, nor the questions in my own head. i chose to believe your words instead, and yet again, i chose not to ask about what was said that night because i thought that you'd let me know when you're ready, and i gave this excuse for you, telling myself that i was weary from thailand and having just touched down and i was not quite in the right frame of mind.

4 weeks ago, while in taiwan, you went to speak to him. you reassured him yet again, and in that 2 hours, maybe 3, everything changed. and we went sliding 2 steps back, 3 steps, 4 steps, every single pace that was taken, we went crashing all the way back. i can not, i will not, and i simply refuse to believe that everything can change just like that. and when did you ever come to speak to me about anything? even when we were having so much trouble, when did you ever take the initiative to solve anything? no you simply ran and hid and well, swore. and my world simply turned upside down. all the words that i refused to hear, all the signs that i refused to read, all the steps that i refused to take - choosing instead to go against my instinct that had served me so well thus far - they all returned with a vengeance, haunting my thoughts, possessing my waking moments, tormenting my dreams. that was just how hard i struggled, seeing you with him everyday, and then, having to deal with the battle within myself, torn between instinct and trust, indignance and despair. i was brought to my knees and broken as those who were in taiwan would testify.

i've experienced pain far worse, brought about by someone i cared for far more, someone who had indeed cared far more for me. i had felt sorrow because of how things became between us, but i have never felt so torn within myself, nor as lost. don't flatter yourself, this is because with estella, i had always known where she was coming from. i had always known that no matter what, we both wanted things to work, and in a way, i took that for granted. this brought to mind an incident between estella and myself. in the midst of a bad period for us in 2007, her classmate and groupmate (oddly enough, someone whom i know too. he was from the pjc pae and a mutual friend as well. cool eh? he went to mass comm after the first 3 months in jc) came into the picture. at that point in time, we were hardly seeing one another - she was so busy with her immense work load in mass comm, staying till 9, 10 in the night almost everyday - while i, well, i was sulking in jc. i hated the jc curricula and i wanted her with me, but i felt that i wasn't important to her at all. she wasn't happy that i had never said all these things to her, so that she could fix things, but merely sulked (i was the one bottling things up, and well, if what goes around indeed does comes around, karma bit me right there in the ass then. you have no idea how different i was with you and if i were half as frank with estella as compared to how i was with you, things would have been so, so very different). estella's reply was a flat no, she told me about it, and then kept her distance from this classmate and groupmate, even at inconvenience to herself, out of her own accord. estella told him that they'd remain friends, and so, made sure that they kept the distance that friends would keep.

but it was in this brokenness that i found my rest, 3 weeks ago. it is through the word of God that brought me through that dark period and i'd just like to highlight something particularly interesting that i read. it is said in Daniel chapter 9 that the rebuilding and restoration of Jerusalem (which was in ruins) would take seven 'sevens', something which i understood as 7 weeks.

it was still very difficult for me, and every single day, you slipped away, while i was still struggling within myself. but daily i found the strength to keep myself together.

2 weeks ago, i was pretty much at rock bottom. i felt so alone in taiwan, but my friends really rallied around me and picked me up. and i had this indubitable feeling that i was doing the right thing, something which those around me continually affirmed whenever i was going to waver. i saw things much clearer then, having the opportunity think things through as objectively as i could but i chose to speak to you although deep inside i felt like a fool. i probably felt angry too, but i was reminded of forgiveness as i was doing my quiet time on the bus to meet you (i was to report to cmpb at 8 that morning and i overslept).

1 weeks ago, i was back on my feet buzzing around feeling excited about my free time before army and what i can do with it. there were times when my thoughts would wander, yes (i remember this time when i was playing football and i let my mind drift, and thought of you. in a flash, my man was gone; he had left me for dead and we nearly conceded from that loss of concentration of mine. that really hammered the message home for me and i said to myself: matt, keep your eyes on the ball), but i looked back and i reflected, and i came up with the one step forward and two steps back post, and i finally put the pieces together in my mind and came to my own conclusion about everything that happened. words that i had refused to hear made sense eventually and in the end, i knew that the inevitable would happen, and it wasn't that bad a thing after all.

this week, 7 weeks later, i finally got my answer and instead of anything, i'm glad for the full stop to this entire saga, although the night that we spoke, my mind was buzzing again, trying to make sense of what you said.

i questioned you about your dealing with your friends and you replied that you weren't close to those you of your friends anymore. have you ever pondered why? maybe it was exactly because of your actions? and more pertinently, my mind shot back, does not being as close as you used to be make them legitimate sacrifices then? you said that when you spoke to him in taiwan, you didn't expect anything out of it, except to not lose a friend. so why continually tell him to not let go, to not give up even when he was ready to?

then, there were things which you completely sidestepped, like if you were indeed in such an unpleasant position, why allow things to escalate in the first place? you knew damn well how he felt about you 6 months ago - i made sure of that, because i thought we weren't right for each other and told you to consider him, yet you said no, you said you wanted to try and sort our differences out - yet you did not choose to nip things in the bud, and if anything, encouraged him.

why did you get him to do the things that you did, knowing full well that he would surely go out of his way to get what you wanted because of how he felt about you? and then use that as excuse saying that he did so much for you. what was the point of us having that discussion about him (i said that i knew he liked you, but i'm not sure about how you felt about him. you replied that he's just a good friend, nothing more. and from then on i've never kicked up a fuss about you and him, even when you accompanied him to his dental, among other things) if you're going to do something like that anyway? you replied that you really needed what you got him to get urgently. i am unconvinced.

but what can i say? i guess getting one's own optical shop is a pretty big thing.

at this point i must admit that i was guilty of making use of his feelings for you too. when the rest of the guys wanted to fo ahead and book our air tickets to taiwan without you because you lost your passport, i made it clear that i wasn't going to get my tickets without you, and in oder to pressuer/convince them to wait and fyl to taiwan together, i told him about you losing your passport, and how it'd be better if you all traveled together. of course i was to be proven the fool, of course he already knew.

but the next morning, i simpy spent the entire morning playing music, and it was such joy. this week, 2 years after i left, i'm heading back to my primary school to help out there as well. i was supposed to go back last week, but i was simply too busy and so it was on the 7th week that i went back to my primary school. the children welcomed me the way they always did - like i have never left. pains in the neck though some of them may be, the majority of them are a pleasure to talk to. in particular, there was this boy who was always getting into trouble 2 years ago (although i like him alot; he is a smart boy, just mischevious, the pains are those who refuse to listen, yet are idiots), and now, 2 years later, he's grown up. able to complete his homework without fuss by himself and though still playful, stays out of trouble now, i am pleasantly surprised to see the change in him.

7 weeks later, Jerusalem was to be rebuilt, and restored.

i had quite a bit of trouble writing this entry because i couldn't find the diary that i had been faithfully logging in since the turn of the year, but after searching for a little while, i realised that i couldn't care less about thus diary anymore; i had first broken the rules. a diary is supposed to be private, a medium for personal reflection, reminisce and rumination. but against my better judgement, i allowed you, someone who had no business in my affairs, who would betray all my trust in you to read it. now, it is no longer private, nor is it personal. instead it is something which had been intruded upon, violated, something which can no longer serve its purpose, something that is not of any further use to me anymore.

morpheus said in the martix reloaded: tonight is not an accident. there are no accidents. we have not come here by chance. i do not believe in chance. when i see three objectives, three captains, three ships. i do not see coincidence, i see providence.

john locke, when he was back in time came across himself while he was in pain, lost at what he was to do next. he had done what he felt he was supposed to and yet he caused the death of boone, a friend. sawyer asked him why he wouldn't go on ahead and tell himself about what he knew now so that he could save himself a whole lot of pain, and mistakes. locke replied that he needed the pain to get to where he was today.

indeed, whatever happened happened for a reason - it is no accident, it is no coincidence - i needed this pain to get to where i would be getting to. i see providence.

this would be the last entry on this matter; it is a closed chapter (there would probably be something in the near future, only because that post's already been written, but i'm not quite done with it, not quite happy with it, so i have yet to publish it) and i've enjoyed probably my most prolific period for writing. i've never really enjoyed narratives, but in the instances that i had to resort to the said style, i thought i did reasonably well and conveyed myself rather clearly. i'm probably going to return to writing a few times a month, so there really is no need to come here so frequently anymore. i'm excited about how tumblr looks though, so i might come up with something. otherwise, life is falling back into place (all these in 7 weeks, again i do not believe that it is by chance that i'm back up on my feet so quickly) and like i said, i just want to reclaim my life. i'm surprised at just how open i am with regards to this matter, writing here and relating this to those my good friends (i probably left a few out, but it's just that i didn't get a chance to, and that they're just so busy with what they have on their plates i don't wish to trouble them), instead of just bottling everything up.

in the book men are from mars, women are from venus, john gray writes that when faced with trouble, men tend to ponder about things by themselves, solve their own problems and resent unsolicited advice, while women shared their sorrow and seek solace and support in each other. well through this entire incident, i think i've become a true blue earthling then, worthy of the half a girl tag that kellyn has given me.

it has been a long entry, as it has been a long 7 weeks for me. for those who are still here, a hearty 'hi' to you.

i was just trawling through youtube typing in random band names looking for some new stuff to listen to, something whoch i do when i get bored of my playlist. breath was what i found, an old song, by breaking benjamin and it summed up my 7 weeks nicely.

and thus i'll just let breaking benjamin take things away.

i see nothing in your eyes, and the more i see the less i like.

is it over yet, in my head?

i know nothing of your kind, and i won't reveal your evil mind.

is it over yet? i can't win.

so sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
i know that i can find the fire in your eyes.
i'm going all the way, get away, please.

[chorus:]
you take the breath right out of me.
you left a hole where my heart should be.
you got to fight just to make it through,
'cause i will be the death of you.

this will be all over soon.
pour salt into the open wound.

is it over yet? let me in.

take, take, take

i'm waiting, i'm fading, realize, start HATING!

[chorus:]
you take the breath right out of me.
you left a hole where my heart should be.
you got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

cemetery run

2010-04-16T23:18:00.001+08:00

keeps her distance, and sits on fences, puts up resistance, and builds defences
damn you should be called jenny sia
i was at a cemetery earlier today, i was there with a friend for a run and it was drizzling.

rows after rows of graves were there before me, and a sense of awe (i don't quite know which word is the most appropriate)just filled me, and a sense of reality, that in the end, everyone of us will end up dead, and my friend commented that it everytime he goes to the cemetery, he feels that his problems become a little bit smaller - there he regains his perspective.

indeed the cemetery is one of the most tranquil places around, and there's a sense of things being in its place. there were loved ones tending the graves of those whom they've lost, flowers and ornaments left in memorial of the deceased, even the grass appeared to respect the dead and not encroach onto the graves. the trees by the side of the road had sparse leaves, quite unlike the angsana tress that we have along our highways and buildings, and the birds were in the sky. and the silence. not the kind of deathly eerie quiet, more of a meditative, peaceful calm.

i walked around and read the words on the epitaph, words that either the deceased had willed to have them inscribed, or words that their loved ones have lovingly chosen to remember them by and to ease their own pain as well.

i have fought the good fight, i have finished the race, i have kept the faith
- from 2 Timothy 4:7

this was inscribed on a couple of graves but it was a great encouragement to me. how wonderful it would be, if i could, at the end of life look back and say proudly that indeed, i have fought the good fight, that i have kept the faith?

but there are heart-rending graves as well. graves of still-borns, of babies, of children, some of whom are only a few months old when they died.

there was a grave that read:
CHRISTINE WHERE ARE YOU?

CHRISTINE INSIDE JESUS.

christine was less than a year old when she died.

most sobering of all was a grave of a pair of twins, 5 months old when their parents lost them buried side by side with the cross in the middle and a verse from lamentations:

For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.
-from lamentations 3:33

can you imagine just how heart-breaking it must be to lose 2 children, 2 of their flesh and blood at the same time? 5 months old, innocent, seemingly with their entire lives ahead of them gone. from the verse chosen, it is clear that at that point of the inscription, the parents were in such pain, such distress yet even then, they chose to surrender their grief and sorrow to God. even with the loss of their beloved, they believed in the goodness of God.

this is the same with the parents of christine, and the other children, with toys scattered around the graves, their loved ones struggling to let go.

the cemetery, so much as it is a resting place for the dead, it is more crucially a place for the living to express their love, their grief, their sorrow for the ones that they've lost. a place of pain, but a vehicle for healing. a place of loss, but a field of remembrance.

but is death really the end of life? if so, then what are we here for if we're just going to die one fine day? it not, what comes next?

these are really important questions because they'd define our meaning of life.

is it to get that high paying job? to marry a rich husband? drive that car? carry that bag? wear that lable?

or is it excellence? to win the world cup? an olympic gold? be a nobel laureate? a grammy award? an oscar?

to live a good life? to simply enjoy whatever, whenever? to have many friends?

these things that we chase, will they be like chasing the rainbow, only to come to the end and find that there is actually no pot of gold there? or will it be like completing a race, and at the finishing line there is glory and praise and rest?

i have my answer. do you?

i'll sing, sing i love you so

2010-04-12T23:28:00.003+08:00

it's like taking one step forward and two steps back

i'm quite sure that i've posted this song here before, but i'm still choosing this song today because of this one line off the song: it's like taking one step forward and two steps back.

for those who noticed, this line had been my personal message for the better part of the last 6 months (as i've been corrected recently), and i've only just changed it because i felt that it is no longer applicable.

but that was exactly how i felt things were for the past months - it's like taking one step forward and two steps back.

i remember writing about how things were in my final year in polytechnic, and how i was enjoying myself (albeit in a different manner) even while i was playing a lot less football than i what i was used to in my first two years in sp. that was in november (and while looking back for that particular entry, i noticed another entry of mine which is particularly interesting, but more about that later). i remember relishing, the new experiences that i got to live (poly 50, the 2 trips overseas to jakarta and india respectively, the people, food and the way of life there, the new people i got to know and all that) and the only real blemish on that first semester that i could think of was an misunderstanding with kellyn, something what we both allowed to fester, and we both ended up not talking normally to each other for almost the whole semester. i didn't tell her what i was unhappy about, nor did she.i'm glad to say that we've since gotten that out of the way, but it was only when we both were completely honest about how we felt about that issue that this mini-rift between us was cleared.

but personally, the past six months wasn't quite as good. the trip to india saw me getting tangled in something that i had never intended to, and from that point on (i'm going to start using the collective term 'we' from here) it feels like we were just lurching from one emotional crisis to another, from one disagreement to another, one fight to another. and the only respite from all that drama was when we were both busy with our own commitments be it fyp, football, school work et cetera. something as innocuous as 'what are you unhappy about' can lead to disappointment, broken promises, apologies, accusations, angst, bewilderment, frustration, helplessness, secrecy, silence and even swearing. and when we finally do work something out, when it finally feels like we've taken 1 step forward, the next crisis, the next disagreement, the next fight comes along, and we're back to square minus 1, two steps back.

and it even came to a point when at times, when our group of friends are heading out, celebrating a birthday for example, i don't really feel like joining in, because i really don't know what we'd be fighting about next, when we'd be fighting, and why we'd even be fighting at all.

if ever 1 line could concisely sum up our story it would be exactly this: it's like taking one step forward and two steps back.

and honestly, after these long, long 6 months (as you so aptly corrected me) i just feel so drained, so worn out that i really don't want to fight anymore, nor do i have the capacity to care.

what i really want now is just to reclaim my life. do the things that i want to, when i want to. i said in my entry in november that poly life has given me so many new experiences, but for the past 6 months i've had little. the things that i wanted to do, you weren't keen, but now, i'm free to do just what i wish, without having to convince anyone to come along. i'm going to cambodia for a mission trip come june, i'll definitely get a diving licence sometime in te the future, and there're a couple of things in my head that i'm excited about. hopefully they'll come to fruition.

coming back to that interesting post that i stumbled upon, it was the one about know if a particular woman is the 'right one' found at the following url: http://desiderata-matt.blogspot.com/2009/11/honest-intelligent-conversation.html.

i quote, "'can i ask these questions and have an honest, intelligent conversation with this woman when we disagree?' because if you can't, none of her answers really matter.".

and i wrote these following words.

3 words that i feel are really crucial: honest, intelligent, conversation.

honest means no deliberate equivocating, no concealing, honest means being forthcoming, being open, and honesty takes a leap of faith.

intelligent means that one must have a mind of his/her own, and be able to put them across coherently, or at the very least, in a manner comprehensible.

and perhaps most importantly, conversation means there's dialoge, an exchange of opinions, conflicting or concurring notwithstanding, but at the end of it, both parties understand where the other is coming from.

my answer now? no, no and no.

and so i changed my personal message, and this time round, it's taken off a beautiful, beautiful song titled sing (your love) by hillsong and for those who're unfamiliar with hillsong, they're a christian band making - of course - christian music.

which leads me to one of my struggles. i've always wanted to avoid sounding preachy, and to respect the belief of others as well while not compromising on my own faith as well.

and so, when i'm speaking to my non-believing friends about my faith, i'd always say that 'i'm not forcing anything onto you, this is just what i choose to believe in.'.

and this is what i believe in:

i believe that my God is real, that He loves me and that He died on the cross for me, that He has a perfect plan for my life.

and i'll sing, sing i love you so.

and i'll sing, sing i love you so

能够遇见你认识你喜欢你爱上你

2010-04-08T21:08:00.001+08:00

我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束

when i'm don't quite feel like writing much, i write like this, listing down the random thoughts that are in my head.

1. i've said this for one time too many already, but glee is really really good. after watching lost for so long, where everything is always so intense, so mysterious, where there're always more questions than answers - but no doubt compelling - glee, with its light-hearted drama and brilliant song re-dones and dance choreography, is like a breath of fresh air. very nice.

2. my mum was telling me about how difficult it would be for us to own a car, quite out of the blue. we're doing ok financially i think, but getting a car would mess that up a little she seemed to be telling me. which really put into perspective just how different things are between myself, and people i know whose family owns car/cars. but so what? i don't need car(s) to be happy. many around me are grumbling that working in a optical shop is boring, not fulfilling, and to put it concisely, it sucks. yet, it is where the money lie. and honestly, for fresh graduates to be drawing the kind of money, it's substantial. yet i, the one whose family do not own a car am reluctant to draw that kind of money, simply because i know that i wouldn't be happy.

now i know that i'm probably sounding really idealistic, but here's some food for thought. what i choose to do, something that i enjoy - teaching - i easily out-earn anyone working in a shop on a per hour basis. the money isn't great, simply because there're only so many hours you can teach as compared to the hours you can spend in a shop, but at least everytime that i work, i feel like i am achieving something, not just for myself, but i'm impacting the lives of others in a (hopefully) positively manner as well.

but well, who am i to say that all who work in an optical shop aren't happy? i'm just saying, for you who make money your choice, i just hope that eventually you grow to love whatever it is that you have chosen.

3. and speaking of money, i've gotten a great amount of respect for those who are independent and as far as possible not depend on their parents for money. good for you. there're those who go about spending their parent's money and i think, what's so great about that?

4. also, having spent 2 weeks in taiwan and countless dull hours watching their excuse for a variety show, i've learnt that i don't like those shows. it's not a matter of me not giving them a chance as was the case in singapore. i just don't like them. and i'm glad that i no longer have an excuse to have to try and enjoy them.

5. i saw this documentary where they tried to explain why it is the women who're generally more willing to forgive their cheating husbands and not the other way round. it is reasoned that since it is almost impossible for a male to know for sure that the child that his partner gives birth to is his without a dna test done, men are wired to be extremely jealous with regards to his partner's fidelity because wasting his considerable time and resources bringing up a child with another man's genetic make-up would be catastrophic for the survival of his own genes set. women on the other hand, forgive their unfaithful husbands because they're wired to protect and nurture their offsprings and so, for the sakes of her children, she would more readily forgive her husband, who traditionally takes the role of the provider of the family. and so ladies, the absolute biggest turn off to a guy, able to make him cool whatever interest he had in you, is to double-time him. you've been warned. or if you're looking to get rid of a guy, you've been advised.

6. i'm really really glad that i managed to speak to jason today, and he put things into perspective for me. and i feel so encouraged that my friends that i know from different stages and in different walks of life have offered me support and time and time again, they've re-convicted my belief that i've done the right thing. friends like this, whom i see once a year, twice if i'm lucky, yet with whom i can be completely honest with are priceless. they've been like big brothers to me, mentoring me, challenging me, and always ready to lend me a helping hand. and i'd like to thank them so much. then there're friends who aren't quite mentor figures, but very much peers (you know who you are), thank you too. i've made a curious observation though - those in the first category are pretty much all guys yet those in the later are girls. go figure.

7. while i've never been the biggest fan of mandopop (jay chou is the sole exception) there's been a couple of songs that's been stuck in my head ever since i heard them in taiwan. today's soundtrack are these exact 2 songs. the first, 最近 was a song that bingsheng introduced, and the second 只为爱上你 was something that kelvin played on our van. 只为爱上你 in particular has extremely high ring tone potential for my phone, and that's saying ALOT because my phone is always on the silent mode. i can't quite put a finger on it, but it's got such a happy vibe to it and it puts me in a good mood every time i listen to it. the first SHE song in my library it is going to be, and the first song that i'm going to sing the next i go to the ktv. and this is how i shall end this entry - with a happy, happy song.

能够遇见你认识你喜欢你爱上你

remember the 4

2010-04-06T13:50:00.012+08:00

你说你也会难过我不相信

i guess pretty much everyone who knows about this place already knows what is going on, and those who don't know about this place, well, they have no business reading this then.

and this is why i've always requested that i not be linked, nor publicised this url; it is in times like this that i really appreciate my privacy, however limited it might be on the net, when i can write everything that's on my mind and not self-censure.

to those who are reading this, i ask that you respect me enough to not link others to this page - i trusted you enough to even let you know about this page's existence - and i ask that you hold your own counsel with regards to the contents of this post.

i make no denial that the past month had been a difficult 4 weeks for me. while i completed my diploma, went overseas 3 times (kupkup, thailand and taiwan), there were times when i was an absolute mess.

i've got an unmistakable feeling of having been played, that i've been like a dove - easily deceived and senseless - of things not being quite as it appears on the surface ever since i've learnt of some things that had been said, some things that had been done, but i've always let that suspicion slide and stayed where i was, silent and passive.

to many who were eagerly anticipating a show, i refused to give you one, and i'm glad that i've managed to emerge from this entire debacle with my dignity relatively intact. to them, well, the show that you got was fleeting at best, and i sure hope that you enjoyed it while it lasted, because there will not be more.

there were times yes, that i felt extremely alone and desperate, there were times when i was brought down to my knees, broken, and there were times when i lost my composure.

but i'm proud to say that never did i attempt to resort to petty skirmishes, to petty victories to try and embarrass others, nor did i give in and give up. and everything i did, i did with my conscience clear. why did i do all these? to many it'd be hard to explain, but i believe that i was meant to be there, that i was called to be where i was for a reason. most importantly, i've never allowed myself to sink so low as to use a bad habit to try and get the attention of others. you may disagree with me, but in my mind, such attempts are laughable and no, they don't impress me at all. to put it bluntly, they are pathetic, weak, cowardly.

having said that i do not believe for a moment that things are as innocent and simple as they appear on the surface, it isn't too difficult to understand why things happened the way they did, and i'm glad to have someone who dared to say it as it is to me, something which deep inside, i've perhaps always known, or at least suspected, but refused to admit, and i totally agree that a book should never be judged by its cover.

and so, perhaps the smartest of us all these time was the one least expected, and the fool? well the fool would never recognise the fool's own foolery, because if the fool did, then the fool wouldn't be a fool.

and so, 6 months on, we finally have our answer to your question: it was a misstep right from the start. i never wanted to have anything to do with this in the first place, and you, you should have taken my advice about him long ago.

lying justified?

2010-03-03T10:37:00.002+08:00

it's a quarter after one, i'm a little drunk and i

can lies ever be justified?

i've been reading a little on moral philosophy and i thought it'd be interesting to look at such a question from an academic's viewpoint, though i'm probably the most ill-equipped person around to attempt something like that. but considering that i've been lied to again, and again, and again (who hasn't anyway), i think looking at things from a rational and detached point of view would be composing.

there are 2 main different school of thoughts with regards to the differentiation of what is right and what is wrong: utilitarianism and deontology.

the utilitarians believe that an action is right if it leads to the greatest happiness for the greatest number of people it affects. happiness is accordingly defined as pleasure and the absence of pain. and thus, each action is determined not by the act itself, but by its consequence. stuart mill commented and further refined this theory by suggesting that there are 'higher' pleasures, and consequently, 'lesser' pleasures.

take for example the pleasure derived from being in love and the enjoying a candy. the pleasure derived from being in love is considered 'higher' pleasure, something more valuable, and thus, people are willing to put up with more pain to enjoy the 'higher' pleasure as compared to the pain that one will choose to undergo for a candy.

deonotologists view the right/wrong issue in a more straightforward manner, and in my opinion, something that i more or less agree most with. deontology states that we all have duties - actions that we must do, or refrain from, and it is these actions that are considered right or wrong, not their consequences.

so our duties include not lying, not murdering and so forth. murdering, murder is defined as intentionally and deliberately ending the life of another, not accidental killing, is wrong, even if it means assassinating a despot seeking to save lives.

and here's the biggest difference between the 2 thinkings. a utilitarian would consider killing a killer as correct, because it would bring about the greatest amount of happiness to the greatest amount of people, with the least pain the least amount of people.

therefore, looking at this from an utilitarian's point of view, lying to matthew ta would be right if, and only if, a greatest amount of pleasure was derived, with the least pain incurred. but was that the case? the feeling of being betrayed is bitter and i'm unsure if the pleasure that was gained.

the only way possible argument that i can come up with to defend those actions is that by lying, a lot more pain to alot more people was saved, and therefore, this is considered the lesser of 2 evils. but this is a flawed argument because now that i know the truth, i'm actually saved whole deal of agonising and second-guessing and uncertainty. so there's a problem, and now that i know exactly what it is, i can attempt fix it, to the best of my ability. also, the bitter taste of betrayal is difficult to swallow.

deontology claims that certain actions are inherently wrong, and so it would appear that deotologists would readily agree that lying to matthew ta is wrong.

nonetheless, there is a counter-argument. while lying to matthew is wrong, not betraying the trust placed in you by a friend is a duty that we all have. and so, not lying to matthew would incorrect too, because not doing so would mean betraying someone else. right?

so what happens when our different duties appear to come into conflict? most deontologists believe a true collision of our duties cannot happen. should there appear to be a conflict, then we have misunderstood our duties.

and so my answer is a resounding 'no'! one could have not lied while keeping their promises of secrecy. these were blatant lies, mind you, statements of utter untruth, not subtle insinuations that is might have been misconstrued.

i'm going to end here, and you can make up your own minds about what i have to say, or not. i've always found writing to be composing and this is why i always enjoy writing to sort my thoughts out.

i'm going to head out for a nice long run now, because working out has always been my favored outlet (football's still the best, but i don't have anyone to play ball with right now). i haven't been running since napha, with one thing after another, and it is high time that i got re-started.

i'm going to make myself a good lunch after that - i'm thinking scrambled eggs because i haven't had them for sometime, and maybe a sandwich - and then i'm going to fix things.

unwell

2010-02-25T21:15:00.002+08:00

i'm not crazy, i'm just a little unwell

the past few days haven't been all that great for me, despite being effectively graduated, and i was particularly unhappy about the way i behaved. after taking sometime out to reflect on my behaviour as well as what others have to say, i thought i'd just arrange my thoughts coherently and air them. for my own sake.

martin o’neill was absolute furious when arsene wenger described aston villa as a 'long ball team'. 'an appalling insult' and 'ridiculous' were some of the more polite replies from the villa boss. and he had every right to be outraged, for his team is by no means a 'long ball team'. aston villa is one of my favourite team to watch, because of their fearlessness, their willingness to get forward and attack, especially on the counter attack.

in a somewhat similar way, i too, was enraged by what i perceived as inflammatory and bitter comments about the way i handled myself. and like villa, i too had just achieved a good result against a much more fancied opponent when those remarks were made, and to be honest, i was irked, indignant.

and then i did something incredibly stupid. i went over and confronted the person who made that remark, telling him to say whatever that he has to say to me, in my face, instead of skulking in a corner sulking. it was foolish because with everyone being incensed and heated from a fiercely fought match, none of us were rational nor level headed (no matter what i may think of myself). i promised myself that i would not lose my composure in a game and self-destruct, and i realised after that just how close that i had strayed to the line that i vowed not to cross again. if my opponent had reacted, and we were not separated, who's to say that i would not lose my cool? after all, we already had a heated exchange despite being virtually on the opposite ends of the court.

that was stupid, stupid of me, and i should not have done that. after all, had i not smiled though taunts much worse?

which brings me to my second point, what is a dirty player? what constitutes a dirty player? how to you identify one?

the number of fouls he commits? the sending offs he receives?

those are all possible answers, but i do not deem them sufficient, for there's a inherent flaw in comparing the number of fouls that 2 dissimilar types of players commit to decide which is the dirtier player. let me elaborate.

if one were to compare the number of fouls nemanja vidic commits as compared to dimitar berbatov, one would be likely to conclude that vidic is the more dirty player because he commits more fouls. but that might not be entirely true. vidic is a defender, and thus, it is his job to be aggressive, to challenge of the 50-50 balls, and in cases that are 60-40 in the attacker's advantage, make them 50-50. that is his job. berbatov, on the other hand, is required to shrug off the attentions of the defender attempt to make a goal-scoring opportunity.

which brings into sharp contrast the two objectives of the two different kinds of players. one to destroy, the other to create, and the one that destroys will always be more disadvantaged when it comes to comparisons like this. one to deny space, the other to make space. one to block, the other to score.

even if we were to compare between players in a similar position, darren fletcher (whom wenger accused of being a dirty player, but sir alex ferguson vehemently defends - wenger is a great manager, a visionary manager, but not a very good manger when he loses) would appear to be a dirtier player than, say michael carrick.

nonetheless, just because fletcher aggressively closes down the opponent on the ball while carrick adopts a more restrained approach, seeking to make the interception instead of the tackle does not mean that fletch is any more a dirty player than carrick is. in fact, a winning team needs a balance of between this 2 kinds of players. ferdinand and vidic in defence, carrick and fletcher in midfield, berbatov and rooney in attack.

aggression is an attribute required for success, a virtue when it sharpens your game and gives you focus, but a liability when it causes you to self destruct.

which leads me back to me initial question. how do we determine a dirty player? in my humble opinion, the answer is 'intention'.

at this point i'd want to say that while i was definitely aggressive, i never had the intention to hurt anyone. i admit that the challenge on jinnyang was over-the-top, i ran into him almost a full speed, i believe that it was a foul, and i believe that i was at fault for that. and i apologise for that hasty and late challenge. but my intention was never to injure anyone. it was a late challenge because possession was lost in midfield, and i was out of position. and it was for that reason i didn't slow down when it seemed unlikely that i would win the ball, that i ran into jinnyang at full speed. because i believed erroneously that i could still win the ball. that was not a good reason, and i'm sorry. but i never intended to injure anyone.

to those who are certain that i was, i'd just like to highlight some facts in my defense, something to think about.

i wasn't called for any fouls, and even the referee came over and said to me that the collision was an accident.

i wasn't sent off, something which cannot quite be said for the opposing team. (the sending off rule was introduced only in the final game, ironically by my opponents, perhaps thinking that such a rule would be advantageous to them because i was supposedly a dirty player.)

i wasn't whining to the referee the entire game (unsuccessfully might i add, because no foul was blown against me).

we absolutely slaughtered my opponents in the final game. players out to hurt, with their heads not in the game cannot perform well. how many times have we seen teams collapse because they lost their composure against team that stoically went on with their jobs? countless.

one of my favourite songs, and it fits my mood perfectly right now.

i'm not crazy, i'm just a little unwell
i know, right now you can't tell
but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
a different side of me
i'm not crazy, i'm just a little impaired
i know, right now you don't care
but soon enough you're gonna think of me
and how i used to be

communication

2010-01-26T20:47:00.002+08:00

caught in a bad romance

lost 6 premieres on 2 feburary 2009, and for that, i've been re-watching the entire series (from season 1) just to be up to speed with the plot, the twists, the narrative of the story. oh, and for evangeline lily.

something that struck me was just how ridiculously close jack and kate were immediately after the crash, and how improbable it would have seem for sawyer to be in the picture.

by the third episode, jack and kate were already engaging in "verbal copulating" (no, not phone sex - they don't have phones on the island - just the teasing of each other)in the words of charlie. and anyone who watches the show would expect them to be a couple then.

fast forward to season 5, and kate is torn between jack and sawyer, and all three of them don't quite know what they want and just what the hell is best for them.

what i realised watching everything the second time around was just how frustrated jack was with kate's equivocating. all the lies, all the secrets, all the deceit, all the broken promises, and with kate (beautiful as she is), things are never as they appear with her.

and that's how sawyer, with plenty to hide himself, got into the picture.

communication. communication has got to be the key to ANY relationship. and because jake could not reach kate, could not communicate with kate, their relationship became increasingly estranged. (i'm still rooting for jake and kate by the way - firstly because jack is only of my favourite characters and kate is just gorgeous, and sawyer has juliet now anyway.)

january was a rocky month for me and my student, with him attempting to skip lesson bu running away from home more than once, and with his attitude in class poor. finally, about 2 weeks back, i sat him down and spoke to him, saying that he already is old enough to be responsible for himself and his decisions and asked him about just what it is that he is unhappy about, either with me personally, or with my classes.

turns out, he felt too stretched by my weekly assignments and my expectations of those assignments and with me not knowing how just how he felt, i was reprimanding him for a perceived lack of effort on his part whenever he handed in a perceived substandard peice of writing.

i know for sure that me can do much better, i had seen him turn in quality peices of work, but he felt it was too draining to continually do that every single week.

and finally i realised: i had been trying far to hard to push him, to get him to improve that i could very well have gotten him to lose his motivation and passion for learning; all because i failed to communicate effectively with my student.

my grumblings notwithstanding, this is a student that i care for very much, perhaps because i've taught him for close to a year and a half already, and also because i truly want to help him improve his english, which is rather poor. and i believe that we are making steady progress, but i almost lost it all because i did not communicate.

now, his zeal to learn is back, he's no longer complaining about how much work is being given (partly because i've learned that discussing with him and coming to a compromise is a much better way get him to understand why he has to work hard) and most importantly, i've seen dramatic improvement in his confidence in himself to apply the things that we've learned.

granted his still no oxford scholar yet, but i'm confident that if he continues to work hard, he can get a very decent score for his english come psle this october.

happy

2010-01-17T00:38:00.001+08:00

so hard to hide

i think that sometimes, it is easier to choose to be miserable. either that, or it's some kind of new fad to be melancholic.

come on people, it's not cool to be blue, and remember, life is all about making choices. and we all can always choose to be happy.

go run, go play the sport that you enjoy, sing, dance, learn a new language (my mum's doing that - no prizes for guessing which language she's learning), head to the gym, play some computer - dota if you like to, read, write, paint, whatever.

happiness is indeed just a choice away.

i saw this today, every minute of sadness is 60 seconds of happiness lost. pretty cute huh?

2010-01-02T22:24:00.002+08:00

thought i was a fool for no one

i actually wanted to post a slower song called many of horror for this post, but decided that since this is going to be the first post of the new year, i might as well choose something way groovier, and to me at least, there are few songs more groovy then this.

this post was first written a long time back, a couple of days after my 20th birthday, but i couldn't find the time, and afterwards, the will-power to complete it, but i feels appropriate for me to finish this up now, at the turn of the new year as we all looked back onto 2009 and reflect upon the the mistakes made, the achievements accomplished and most importantly, the lessons learnt.

i''ve been reminded of some of my convictions these past few days by a series of events, and now that i'm officially past my teenage life, i've resolved to learn from my mistakes past.

i've come to the realisation that my family are those who stuck around, through my highs and my lows, and they chose to stick with me despite knowing me for exactly who i am. despite knowing the worst of me, my family chose to love me, and though my parents did nothing flashy for me (just a simple sms from my mum, a manutd magazine that i used to buy a lot when i was younger, before the glazers bought the club and a happy birthday from my sister, and dinner with my family at this evening - 21st of november 2009 then) i am truly appreciative of my parents, for putting up with me and my mercurial temperament, for my sloppiness, for my self-centeredness, for being nothing but supportive even as i run around kicking a ball around - something that is supposedly not very productive - and always being there to give me a helping hand when i run into difficulties, or conversely, supporting me silently in the background in all my endeavours. my parents did their best to ensure that i'd always have a warm and comfortable home to return to at the end of the day, weary and battered by the trials of the world, yet they never mollycoddled me, allowing me to shine with my own light, to learn from the lessons that i've to, to experience life the way that i'm meant to. my family isn't perfect, no, but as my mum puts fittingly in her sms to me,

'dad and mum love you as who you are though we may not express it out...' and really, that is all that i can ever ask.

i was served a stark reminder too, to not chase after riches and material wealth. for no matter how much that i may already have, there is always something newer, better, cooler, there is always something more to toil for.

solomon, the wisest man ever lived, and the man with incredible riches wrote these very words:

utter meaningless! everything is meaningless. what does man gain from all his labour at which he toils under the sun?

whoever loves money never has money enough, whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income. this too is meaningless. as goods increase, so do those who consume them. and what benefit are they to the owner except to feast his eyes in them? the sleep of the labourer is sweet, whether he eats little or much, but the abundance of a rich man permits him no sleep.

i have seen a grievous evil under the sun: wealth hoarded to the harm of its owner.

sometimes, it's so easy to be caught up with and become obsessed with a number in our bank accounts, so much so that we plot ways and strategise plans to make that number bigger, to increase our income and accordingly, decrease our expenditure. and it shows, we start to talk about money more and more frequently, money becomes a favored conversation topic, a thought constantly on our minds and we even then begin to think that this is a sign of maturity, to be aware of one's financial health, that one is earning his/her own keep, that one is growing up.

and all these for what? just so that we can buy the new, the good, and the cool.

while i do not have any problems with one attempting to be financially independent, hell, i try as much as i can to be thus myself. i'm saying that the wisest man who has ever lived said that it becomes a grievous evil when it becomes a preoccupation and the pushing force for the toil of our lives. and when it comes from the wisest man who has ever lived himself, i say we pay heed to what he had to say.

this is what solomon has to say after his rant about everything being meaningless.

then i realised that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labour

note that solomon did not say find happiness in his toilsome labour. the word is satisfaction.

satisfaction means to be content, to put an end to wants, needs or desires. and to put an end implies a state of permanence, or at least, longevity.

happiness in contrast is circumstantial and fleeting.

i like the defination from dictionary.com

happiness results from the possession or attainment of what one considers good

contentment is a peaceful kind of happiness in which one rests without desires

therefore, solomon is effectively saying, to find peace and rest in our toilsome labour. what a paradox. and how profound.

money, if it's sole purpose is to be used to for the attainment of what one considers good, brings about a vicious cycle whereby one never has enough, whereby one always has to strive for more more and more still with the reasoning that it is not wrong to reward ourselves. after all, we have worked hard have we not? but there's a loophole that many chooses not to see. that there is a better alternative to happiness. there's contentment, whereby one rests in peace, without desires. and contentment comes from a much much more exoteric outlook to life as compared to the heavily egocentric way of living to gain happiness.

my reminder to seek contentment is from this person whom we shall call a. a easily earns double of what i do in a month, giving up much something that he/she enjoys doing very much, but still is always claiming to not quite have enough money. a wanted to be part of a meaningful experience and rare opportunity but in the end, chose to give it up for something that was new, was good, was cool. i thought that a waste, considering how a claimed to really want be part of the experience, and also because a had something very similar to the more new, more good and more cool item purchased, albeit one that is obviously less new, less good, less cool. and now, less then 6 months later, a wants to get something more new, more good, more cool than what was purchased. what an incredible waste! and the irony is that, had a chosen to spend his/her money in a wiser and much more mature manner - that is, in my opinion, to follow one's heart and not allow one's decisions to be governed solely by finance, a would now have both the ability to get this more new, more good, more cool and more many toy, and an adventure of a lifetime.

now, a has neither.

so really, is toiling and labouring for material wealth worth it? i do not think so, because no matter how much happiness that you derive from a expensive buy, there will always be a more new, more good, more cool and more many version waiting just around the corner, and then one never becomes satisfied, and then, indeed wealth hoarded brings harm to its owner.

conversely, there were 3 people who encouraged me greatly with their attitude towards money, and more than that, towards life and how it should be used and lived; something that i strive to emulate.

thomas merton writes:

a happiness that is sought for ourselves alone can never be found: for a happiness that is diminished by being shared is not big enough to make us happy.

there is a fake and momentary happiness in self-satisfaction, but it always leads to sorrow because it narrows and deadens out spirit. true happiness is found in unselfish love, a love which increases in proportion as it is shared. there is no end to the sharing of love, and, therefore, the potential happiness of such love is without limit.

these 3 guys truly demonstrated to me the truth of selfless loving and sharing of one's blessings; not perfectly - for none of us is perfectly - but sincerely.

2 of the 3 guys can be considered affluent, the other not so. one of whom does own expensive and branded items, but it is his sheer willingness to go the extra mile for the convenience of others, to share some of his blessings for the sake of others that is heart-warming. he places his friends above the bother of being the last to get home and even the cost of the petrol that he has to part with for sending people who stay all over singapore home. all these with a word of complain, no hint of reluctance. this is someone who is ready to assist others, even at his own expense and many of us can attest to this fact.

the other can be thought of as well-off too, although he is a little less flamboyant with his spending. yet i've seen first-hand, his readiness, bothering on alacrity to use his resources to enrich and benefit others should there be a reason to do so.

and lastly, perhaps the least rich of the 3, yet in his own unassuming manner, he blesses others, serving them without complain, always being ready for the unfancied labour, and even giving everyone an unexpected treat.

so here's to kelvin, to john and to joseph, the people who understands to true nature of joy, of happiness.

and lastly, i've learnt the importance of self-control, in manner of speech, in manner of action. a few weeks ago, was sent-off, not for the first time, in a game. i was furious after being repeatedly fouled - i'm a hard player, i'm told, but i am not a dirty player that i can boldly claim, hand on heart - and after a particularly heavy and nasty tackle from behind just when i was going to shoot, i momentarily lost my cool and shoved that idiot in the chest.

i regained my composure soon after, even in the chaos that ensued: my teammates were unhappy at the foul too, and also the numerous dubious calls of the referee and the opponents were of course not too thrilled about he pushing their man. i was being pushed around by them - fools who really should know better because they know how many times they've resorted to illegal challenges on both myself and my teammates when things were not favourable to them, but i did not retaliate. if anything, i smiled because liangfa once told me that i should smile at my opponent when their trying their best to taunt you.smile at them, because it pisses them off like crazy, because they're trying to get under your skin but they are not succeeding. i remember him telling me this when i was a hot-head of moron in secondary school, and he was this experienced big brother who played in the 'a' division. his advice helped me greatly while i learnt to curb my self-destructive tendencies of reacting instead of thinking. what was incredulous was that after the small scuffle died down, the bone-head of the referee sent me off, a straight red, for violent conduct. this despite the offenders who have been persistently fouling me the entire game, nor the fools who pushed me not getting booked.

i told myself that day that i will not lose my self-control again, just because some idiot tries to wind me up. i will stay on the pitch, i will fight on, and i will give them hell, and during all that, i will smile at them.

this is the same in life, to not lose one's composure in spite of the best efforts of others to get you to do so. they want you to self-destruct, but no, refuse to do exactly what they wish of you. stay on the pitch, fight on, give them hell. and during all of it, smile at them.

family, not hoarding but sharing and to keep my self-control. these are what i wish to keep in mind not just today, not just immediately after my birthday, not just in 2010, but in life, and the challenges that are to be.

last but not least, happy 2010 people, and dance along to the tunes of supermassive black hole, which has got to be like the coolest song to dance to. and definitely the grooviest.

before the worst - jol

2009-12-20T09:10:00.003+08:00

about a week since the day you walked

i was introduced (kind of) to this song by someone whom i barely know, yet feel like i know. but more about that later.

before the worst, before we met
before our hearts decided it's time to love again
before too late, before too long
let's try and take it back before it all went wrong

sometimes, looking back, going back - wistfully, hopefully, is indeed the worst that one can do.

i think i've written much about this, too much, to be truthful, and thus i'll just leave this as it is.

moving on (hahaha, pun fully intended), there will be, invariably, people whom you will meet whom you will not like immediately, feel dislike initially, before growing to appreciate that person. then, there are those whom you will like instantly, for no apparent reason at all, and find them really intriguing and attractive.

i think that this is because, in some abstract, yet categorical manner, the 2 persons are fundamentally alike.

it could be interests that are shared in common, but more subtly, similar life outlook, beliefs, experiences, can lead to such inherent and basic, almost instinctive affection for that person.

while it has been said that opposites attract, i do it believe that it is a saying entirely true. let me explain why.

a magnet analogy has been most frequently used to describe and explain this thinking, and not without reason too.

quite simply, 2 similar poles of a magnet repel each other, while the 2 polar opposites (the north and the south poles) attract each other. in a like manner, people who are similar are more likely to not get along with each other, especially with regards to romantic relationships, whereas those who are dissimilar are more likely to be fond of each other.

granted there is truth in such a theory, i do not consider it to be the entire truth. the north pole of a magnet attracts the south pole of another magnet, yes, but this notion is based on a similarity taken for granted: that both items being attracted to each other have to be magnets!

a magnet cannot attract a piece of wood, or plastic, or wool and when taken into perspective, it simply blows the belief that take 2 people who are entirely disparate from each other and they will hit off as if cupid is shooting arrows like a late game potm (ok lame, lame dota comparison) out of the water.

the comparably lower incidence of inter-racial marriages is an ideal paradigm of my point - that differences do not guarantee attraction. if so, such unions should very much be the norm, and in fact, marriages within the same ethnic group should indeed be the exception, because similars are supposed to repel too.

i'll end a little uncustomarily for me, with a cheer as much for myself as for the team tomorrow.

team cls for the win!

2009-12-04T01:26:00.001+08:00

the silence isn't so bad, till i look at my hands and feel sad

i was going through my sent mail the other day looking for the powerpoint slides of projects that i have completed last semester for course-mates who are doing them this sem instead.

i couldn't find what i was looking for, strangely, for i do not have a habit of deleting my sent mails. but i noticed a particular email address, the email of someone whom i corresponded via email rather frequently. i couldn't help but opened one of the more recent mails and re-read it, something that i had not done for a long long time.

and then i realised that i was dated 19th of june, 2009.

i couldn't believe it. what seemed like years is actually little more than 5 months, and already, so much have changed in these 5 short months, perhaps more then the the past 2 years added together. for one, i no longer felt overwhelmed by numerous emotions all mixed into a volatile and unstable concoction, so much so that i could feel despair one minute, outrage the next, followed by a sense of incredible numbness.

this time, it's a wave of resignation, with a rueful smile on my face.

i went back a little more till i came across that 19th april mail. and again, i couldn't believe my eyes. just a little more than one and a half years ago. one and a half years. time that seemingly stretched on and on. and yet, i'm proud to say, that in this 16 months' time, i've grown, and i've lived through one of the best times in my life so far, with 2 once-in-a-lifetime trips overseas being the highlights.

and this time, there was no bitterness.

but sometimes, i do think that maybe, just maybe, i'd been spoilt.

i don't recall having to fighting so much, so frequently, and i am feeling worn out.

michael buble's new single haven't met you yet comes to mind now.

i'm not surprised.
not everything lasts.
...
i might have to wait.
i'll never give up.
i guess it's half timing,
and the other half's luck.
wherever you are.
whenever it's right.
you'll come out of nowhere and into my life

i just haven't met you yet.

i like this song. i don't quite know why, but it brings a smile to my face every time i hear it. but it is a upbeat song for a change.

and so with that, i close my mail.

there is a time for reflection and reminisce, and there's time for release. but most crucially, there's a time for redemption and to reach for the future.

i'm a pencil

2009-11-24T00:10:00.001+08:00

see me grow from a boy to a man

indeed, after all the pain and heartache, if you give yourself a chance, there is life after dying.

we're like pencils, capable of great things, but first we must realise that we are guided by a hand that is the true artist. i call that hand God, who giudes us by his will.

pencils have to be sharpened to continue writing. therefore, we must learn to bear and deal with pains and sorrows, because they enable us to grow, and to continue the piece of art that is our destiny.

the pencil comes with an eraser to rub mistakes out. learning to accept that mistakes are part and parcel of life and that correcting a mistake isn't necessary a bad thing; it helps us to stay on track and keep gives us second chances.

what matters in a pencil is not its wooden exterior, but the graphite within. hence, pay less heed to appearences, rather, be mindful of what is inside.

lastly, a pencil always leaves a mark, even those that were rubbed out. accordingly, recognise that every action in this life has a consequence, every cause - an effect. so be conscious of every action.

i am a pencil. i've been guided, i've been sharpened, i've had mistakes rubbed out, i've learned that what matter is not that which is on the outside, i've recognised that every stroke leaves an indelible mark in the canvas of life.

i am a pencil. and i'm fulfilling my destiny.

honest intelligent conversation

2009-11-18T00:02:00.002+08:00

standing on the edge

i get interesting stuff send to my email from menshealth and the topics of the newsletters include food and nutrition, fitness, sex, health, and some general cool stuff.

so this newsletter reads, is she the one for you?

cool stuff huh.

in it they havs a list of questions regarding potential conflicts in the relationship and the list include you and your partner's views of issues like:

1. money
2. family
3. religion
4. her career
5. your career
6. interests and dreams
7. discipline style (for the child)
8. genetics (??)
9. potential in-laws
10. her father

and lastly,

and the ultimate question...
finally, you need to ask yourself this: 'can i ask these questions and have an honest, intelligent conversation with this woman when we disagree?' because if you can't, none of her answers really matter.

3 words that i feel are really crucial: honest, intelligent, conversation.

honest means no deliberate equivocating, no concealing, honest means being forthcoming, being open, and honesty takes a leap of faith.

intelligent means that one must have a mind of his/her own, and be able to put them across coherently, or at the very least, in a manner comprehensible.

and perhaps most importantly, conversation means there's dialoge, an exchange of opinions, conflicting or concurring notwithstanding, but at the end of it, both parties understand where the other is coming from.

'can i ask these questions and have an honest, intelligent conversation with this woman when we disagree?' because if you can't, none of her answers really matter.

brilliant stuff, something that i totally agree with.

not a waste, no

2009-11-17T01:19:00.000+08:00

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

as much as i didn't enjoy my time in jc, and as much as i found my time in poly fulfilling, i still wouldn't consider my year spent in pj as a waste of a year (sorry kellyn, i disagree with you saying that i wasted one year). no it's not a waste, definitely not, because i have gained from that experience too.

it was in pj that i met my teacher, one who is no longer my teacher in a classroom, but one who teaches me about life. i've truly learnt so much from him, not solely about academics but he taught me about life, and living it with meaning. he encouraged me to read the books that matter, he counseled me in my hours of doubt and assured me that following my heart is not mere idealism nor being immature, and he gave me sound advice when i was uncertain.

most importantly, i learnt much about the God that i worship and follow from him. it is because of my koh that my idea of God changed, from a God of dos and don'ts to a benevolent God who loves. i've learnt to not judge people just because they're different, after all, we're not called to judge, we're called to glorify God, and we are not doing that be marginalising people simply because they are different in some ways. we're called to unite, not divide, to love, not loath.

who are we to judge too, we who are sinful ourselves? who are we to deal an absolute right or absolute wrong we who are foolish?

no christianity is never about about holiness, it never has been, in fact, christianity is about brokeness, and more importantly, God's love made perfect through and in spite of men's failings.

i was brought up in a presbyterian church, and i've since left my childhood church, partly because i've come to disagree with the presbyterian's more esoteric theology. i'm not claiming that they are wrong, no that would be judging, but me, being entitled to my own opinion, feel more comfortable in a less conservative congregation.

secondly, i met good friends there. in the mere months that i was in pj, i've made 2 good friends, both of whom i keep in contact with: nick (hey nick, in case you're reading this) and dingzhou, both of whom are rather different. nick's the wise-cracking, my chinese is horrendous, doesn't do sports, guitar playing, video gaming, bub calling dude. ding's the lame football khaki.

i used to play alot of football with ding before he got enlisted, but even now, whenever he plays football he'd drop me a msg or a phone call and ask me along. i see little of him, but when we do see each other, ha, he's one lame joker. he's the kind of friend every guy should have. dependable as a rock, funny, and great sports person (just a little less great then me, hahahaha, nah he plays football alright and we play in different postitions anyhow.).

and nick, ah, what can we say about nick. my fist impression was that he's a bloody whining brat. i recall him spending the entire lunch whining about uncooked rice from the stall, saying that it's too hard inedible. but hell, he's turned into a good friend who offers his point of view from a non-sport playing kind of guy. well and he's pretty funny too. and and great to have a debate with too.

there, 3 big reasons why i didn't waste a year, and i guess there are more.

i do not believe that the experiences life bring us are ever a waste of time. we are where we are because of our past, which moulded and built us. yet the beauty of life is that we are not defined by our past; our future is created by the choices that we make today.

the road less travelled

2009-11-08T22:57:00.006+08:00

you live you learn, you love you learn
you cry you learn, you lose you learn
you bleed you learn, you scream you learn
you grieve you learn, you choke you learn
you laugh you learn, you choose you learn
you pray you learn, you ask you learn
you live you learn

you know, there ain't many 7 pointed 'o' levels candidates around in the polys. hell there're even less 7 pointers who spent a year in jc in the polys.

well, if for some reason you're looking for one, you just found him.

one of the most common response that i got when i told people that i was going to quit school, and head to a polytechnic was, "but wouldn't that be a waste of time?".

"wouldn't that be a waste of time?".

and hell, they do have a very good point. the earlier that one can get into the workforce, the earlier one can get an income. accordingly, one can then earn more, at a younger age, and then, own more. so what others complete in 2 years, i chose the option that takes 4 years.

and thus the comment.

but i do not believe that i wasted my time. i chose to go my own way, and came out richer for the experience, and to quote robert forst again (because it just seems so appropriate, and also simply because i don't know any other).

two roads diverges in a wood and i -
i took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.

indeed, i'm thankful for all that i've gained in poly.

1. coming to poly allowed me to fulfill something that i'd wanted to do for the longest time but never had the chance to do so: to play football at a higher level, to see just how far i can go. i have gotten my answer, but training with the sp team was an eye opener, despite never really breaking into the first 11, or the first 16 for that matter. nonetheless, i've improved tremendously, football-wise, both tactically and technically, and i enjoyed myself learning to enjoy football more.

2. it is in poly that i made up my mind about what it is that i want for myself, what it is that i want to do in university - preferably nothing to do with science. the thing is, i've enjoyed reading and writing, but never really gone ahead and gave myself a chance to pursue them. and the frightening thing is, had i continued in jc, did my 'a' levels, served ns and went on to uni - the well-trodden path - i'd probably have chosen to do something science related in uni too, just to have a "secure" future. coming to poly, and to a science course, made me realise irrefutably that this is not something that i want to be doing for the rest of my life. i want to try something else, and i'm thankful, for this chance to finally recognise what it is that i want out of my education, out of my life.

3. moreover, the polytechnic gave me two trips overseas to see what it is like outside this sheltered shell called singapore. to leave these shores and immerse myself in a different culture, engage with different people, to serve and to give a little back what i, by grace, have been given. these trips taught me the joys of giving, and gave meaning to the otherwise vipid and insipid skills that i've been learning for the past 3 years considering that i'm do not intend to continue with optometry. while others chose to go on these trips perhaps to sharpen their clinical skills, others because of the fun (all of these perfectly legitimate reasons), for me, it has always been about helping those in need with what i know, and hopefully, in so doing, i'd grow as a human being. had i not come to a poly, i would never have had such opportunities to see india and indonesia in such light as i had, to experience the peoples' warmth and hospitality as i had, and most surely, to grow and learn as i had.

4. and lastly, poly gave me good friends. while i still keep in contact with quite a few of my secondary school friends (in fact, i see them almost weekly) the thing about guys is that we can spend the entire day playing football, doing things, but not know anything about each other. for example, for every single one of my teamates in my numerous teams, i know if they are right or left footed, how comfortable they are receiving the ball on their weaker foot, their nick names, the car they drive, the football team they support, the position that they play in, the boots that they wear but not know their last names. things are slightly better with my secondary school friends (i know their last names), but our conversations (when we're not shouting instructions at each other on the pitch) revolve around nonsense, or talk cock. i saw these figures in a report: that men speak on average 2000 words a day, predominantly comprising of instructions. women, conversely, utter over 10000 words a day, plus they do not give as many instructions as men. my point is, many of my friends from secondary school, good friends as they are, are good people i enjoy playing football with, trash talking about our respective team's fortunes, coming up with ridiculous jokes, i've come to realise that i hardly know anything about them at all. poly though brought me people whom i've gotten to know well throughout these 3 years, and i can truly say that i'm glad to have known them.

so here's to poly, to football, to the future, to foreign exposures, and to friends.

the road to nowhere

2009-10-20T02:43:00.002+08:00

i thought i found the road to somewhere

what trap of hopeless emptiness? again, let me quote from revolutionary road.

april: don't you see? that's the whole idea! you'll be able to do what you should have been aloud to do seven years ago, you'll have the time. for the first time in your life, you'll have the time to find out what it is you actually want to do. and when you figure it out, you'll have the time and the freedom, to start doing.
frank: this doesn't seem very realistic.
april: no, frank. this is what's unrealistic. it's unrealistic for a man with a fine mind to go on working year after year at a job he can't stand. coming home to a place he can't stand, to a wife who's equally unable to stand the same things. and you know what the worst part of it is? our whole existence here is based on this great premise that we're special. they we're superior to the whole thing. but we're not. we're just like everyone else! we bought into the same, ridiculous delusion. that we have to resign from life and settle down the moment we have children. and we've been punishing each other for it.

it is the trap the conventional wisdom tell everyone of us. the delusion that we have to resign from life and settle down the moment we have children, go on year after year doing a job that we can't stand, coming home to a place that we can't stand, an existence of emptiness, of hopelessness.

sometimes, all that we need is to take some time out, to really understand what is it that we want to do, what is it that truly gives us gratification and joy.

too often, we're guilty of forgetting the aspirations that were idiosyncratic of every single one of us in our innocence and exuberance of youth, sacrificing them for the mundane and the average and the typical. travelling along the highway of life, afraid to veer off the trodden path, to attempt the path less travelled, content in the safety of numbers, to be just another face in the masses. we think that this is the way of the responsible, providing for our families but never considering just how is it that we want to live our lives, never giving a meaning to our lives.

paulo coelho writes: work is a blessing when it helps us to think about what we're doing; but it becomes a curse when its sole use to is to stop us thinking about the meaning of life.

he writes about a man, a good man, a responsible man, praised by all, popular, loved by both friends and family. he worked hard, gave his best both at work and at home, determined to be a good employee, colleague, husband, father. but he never paused to ask if what he was doing had any meaning. near the end of his life, the man was asked about what he had done with his life, if he had lived his life according to his dreams. his answer in the words of a poet?

he passed through life/ he did not live it.

just what is the meaning of life if all that there is is to work hard for money? some might argue for the future, for the family, for the fulfillment.

really?

or is it the fear of doing something others deem unrealistic?

i'd like to end with these lines by robert frost,

two roads diverges in a wood and i -
i took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.

thoughts of graduation

2009-10-19T10:32:00.005+08:00

tell you everything you wanna hear... breaking it down articulately

i was talking to my mum a little about what i want to do after i graduate, during the long wait for ns.

i'm sure that this is a question on the minds of many - what to do upon graduation - such is the proximity of the end of poly life. after the smiles and the graduation robes and the pictures and the goodbyes, what then?

my mum suggested that i work in the optical trade while waiting for inevitable call into the army, something which i'm rather hesitant about. i think, deep down, my mum would much rather i continue with optometry, get the UM degree and stay in the trade. after all, that's where the money is and it would be a reasonably secure, if stagnant, job. after all, my mum's initial reaction to my plans to not continue with what i'm studying now was much alike most of everyone else's.

'what are you going to do with an arts degree?'.

and perhaps the shortest question that often demands the lengthiest of answers,

'why?'.

why?

because i want to finally give myself a chance to try my hand at something that i've always enjoyed - writing, reading - but because of the emphasis placed on the sciences (which is necessary for singapore's economy is heavily dependent on R and D) by our educational system, there's this conception that science students have a "better future", and i've always gone with the "safe choice": science stream in jc, optometry in poly.

just to digress a little, why is it that the science stream in jc has a lower cut off then the arts stream? this epitomises the not-so-subtle prejudice against the arts students. can it be argued that the arts student are in anyway less cognitively able then their science counterparts? or in other words, for the benefit of those whose language is more limited (many of whom are in the science stream anyway - not to submit to the stereotype, but generally, the language abilities of the science students are poorer, because they have less need for it. yes is a yes in science, no a no. 1 + 1 always equates to 2, 2 + 2 to 4 because their world is governed by unalterable laws of science, whereby nuances of words is but a luxury, and at times, even a nuisance); are the arts students more stupid then the science students?

my answer is a resounding 'no'!

language, for all the advancements in science, is the vehicle by which our accumulated knowledge will be passed on to out next generation, and the competency in language is a requisite for all scientists, doctors, teachers, engineers for without language, how then are they to tap into the amalgamated advancements and knowledge of the thousands of generations of humans past? without language, every generation will have to learn how to start fire all over again.

this is a longer aside then i had intended, but my thoughts just took a life of its own the moment i began to pen them down.

and so the answer to the question 'why?' is: because i want to do something that i enjoy. because i choose to follow my heart. because i am afraid of the trap.

what trap? one of my favourite films of the year, revolutionary road puts it aptly. the trap of 'hopeless emptiness'.

social snake and ladders

2009-10-07T02:32:00.001+08:00

now it's full of evil clowns

social snakes and ladders

brilliant term i saw off engheng's blog.

it was written in a post which i found to be a highly critical observation dressed in his trademark satire.

how very true, the rules in which he noted that this fame game is played by.

there are no rules, except those that are made by the most popular around, to keep themselves popular.

and so, there effectively is a caste system in terms of popularity, in which there are 3 tiers, much alike any social caste systems.

right at the top are the high, the aristocrats, of who above all, seek to remain where they are, or at the very least, be perceived so. their preferred tools? to be seen and heard, especially with the right people, at the right places. and just like the aristocrats in any society, the high have power, and they usually choose to use this power to keep their power, and at the same time, to gain more power. the high makes all the rules, pertaining to the playing of this fame game. that which they fear most, is to lose their popularity and accordingly, their power to influence others and thus, like that of most in authority, they jealously guard it, systematically removing anyone who threatens their control, yet regularly inducting those who are "worthy" into their ranks to keep their strength. also, perhaps, least they find themselves to be on the outside of another, bigger, more influential group.

next comes the middle, who are looking to replace or the high. they try their hardest to be seen with the high, to be heard talking about the high, to be spoken of, favorably, by the high and are much alike the servants to the high, regarded with amusement by the high who indulge in them occasionally to stoke their own ego, to enjoy the fruits of their power, and they take advantage at the service of the middle. just like how a favored servant would be honoured, every now and then, members of the middle through sheer luck and manoeuvring and manipulation would be thought worthy, or useful to be one of the high - who and when - decided of course, of the high themselves.

right at the bottom comes the low, the proletariat. people who are generally looked upon with disdain by both the middle and the high, who are thought to be "uncool" and suicide to be seen with, for anyone with ambition to either break into the high, or to remain there. they are widely left alone, and consist of people who are thought "weird" or and also, those who were from the high or middle but have found themselves displaced and ostracised because they have fallen out of favor, or had the audacity to challenge or aggravate the high.

so who is it that decides who goes where? who set the high where they are? how do the middle break into the high? who decides who the low consists of?

it would appear that it all boils down to the whimsical will of the aristocrats, ever so opal, except for their single-minded pursuit of power and more power.

which leads us finally back to the very capricious nature of this social snake and ladders.

you could be part of the high, climbing quickly via the ladders, and then, all it takes is a bad roll of the dice, an adverse landing on a bad spot and hell, you are sliding down the snake's tummy into social banishment and wilderness.

it has happened before, it will happen again.

2009-10-02T23:59:00.004+08:00

i guess i need my life to change

i miss india, where things there are simple and clear cut. straight forward.

and since i've been back, i've been lost, in every sense of the word. the time difference's a nuisance, the piled up work load's a pain, post-trip stuff's an ass. to mention a few things weighing on my mind.

worse of all, i've been constantly frightened. frightened of losing, frightened of history repeating itself, frightened of myself.

and i've never been particularly comfortable in big groups of people - too much noise, too much stimulation, too little room - prefering instead to be around smaller group of good friends.

something else on my jumbled mind: i realised that i've spent much much less time on football this year, and while i used to think that life would then be incredibly dull, i'm thinking otherwise now.

i'm thankful that in my final year, i've gotten to experience 2 overseas trip, poly 50, have more time to myself and my friends, know more of my course mates and basically, try my hand at something else other than football (yes, even dota). so often have i made a impassioned plea for my case that life is about experiences that have to be lived, lessons that have to be learned and so often had i restricted myself to living football, experiencing football.

and i'm glad for the chance to do something different, to be in different places, to know different people.

but the strangest thing is that i have got a pretty good idea where my time and energy would be devoted to had i been asked what i would do with my time now some time back. and it is not all that i had mentioned.

kind of a bitter irony, but on the other hand, life is indeed meant to be lived.

maturity

2009-09-14T11:16:00.003+08:00

looking better than before

now that i'm in my final year, words like maturity and grown-up are being thrown about almost ad nauseum. but really, what is maturity? it seems that all that have been suggested is financial independence or security.

i was speaking to a friend in uni, one who i had not seen for some time, and he asked me about what i want to do after i graduate. i said that i'm looking to try my hand at something that i had always enjoyed, but never gave myself a chance to explore. i do not wish to continue my current course of study, in other words.

he asked why.

while i do not dislike optometry, in fact, i'm enjoying year 3 more than ever, experiencing a whole new aspect of optomtry, the social and community part, going overseas to serve and return what i've been blessed with, i really cannot see myself working as an optometrist full-time after i graduate. teaching is an option, but lecturing is a different proposition all together; lecturing is generally more detached and less intimate then teaching.

my friend then asked something that sums up what growing up is to him, his defination of maturiy, something that, i'm sure many of us share too.

he said that as he nears graduation, there begins a need to consider what job that he can take upon graduation, the prospects of that job, the sort of pay to expect, how much to use to support his parents, how much it takes to support a family (he has a serious girlfriend), and that sometimes it matters not what you enjoy, but rather, what you have to do.

but really, is that all there is to maturity? i've got friends who believes themselves to be mature just because they have an idea about what it is that they like to work as after they graduate, the amount of money that they would like to receive, the plans that they have for this money.

call me callow, but i've never considered all these.

maturity to me, is realising that life contains so much more, that life is a process of learning, of exploring, of living and that there is no end unto itself in life. in other words, graudation is merely a milestone of sorts, not a finishing line signifying the end of a part of ourselves. there is so much more to learn, to explore, to live then just toiling day and night for something that has no value without a purpose. let me explain, money, is a mean, not an end, and that for money to have value, there needs to be an avuenue for the exchange of that dollar note into a certain good or service that fulfills a certain desire. while getting a new bag, or new shoes, or new clothes can be extremely gratifying, the pleasure is fleeting at best. and then, you need more.

some argue that maturity means settling down and starting a family, and therefore, as fianancial stability is a requisite for a family, then accordingly, maturity means taking a predominantly financial outlook in our context.

i disgree on 2 counts.

firstly, there is an inherent fault in such thinking because there is an irreparable relationship between money and family. while i agree that one has to work to support a family, i too believe that one cannot focus on the money and enjoy family life. there is an irreconcilable difference in the 2. something's got to give, and for the most of us, it's a choice that we have to make.

secondly, perhaps more controversially, i submit that there is more, much much more to live then to settle down and form a family. ther is such much in life to offer, so many mountains to seek out and conquer, so many books to read, so many places to go, so many things to attempt that it seems to me that children are very much a liability. to me, life can be what you choose it to be, so why pick the option of the arduous and mundane? to work from 9 to 5, or in our case, 11 to 9, have 2 children, go overseas once a year, return home to supervise the children in their homework, to be so - ordinary, so monotonous.

surely maturity can't mean learning to enjoy the dull?

love at war

2009-09-12T22:30:00.003+08:00

and i hate the thought of

i've been determined to catch up with my reading recently, after i realised that i had but read sporadically throughout the past 3 years, some of them just for leisure, and almost nothing substantial (also, i've been feeling more and more stupid). so after willing myself to complete the classics that i've been wanting to read (the lord of the rings trilogy and 1984) i planned to read the alchemist. the singapore poly colours section is perhaps the best library around, since the books are hardly ever loaned and there are always 2 or 3 of the same book that i want to borrow, so it's just a matter of will to complete desired reading material, since i can just renew the book for ever; no one ever reserves the books that i read.

however, i could not find the alchemist, surprise surprise. hell bent on reading paulo coelho, i took the valkyries of the shelf.

"why is it that we destroy the things we love most?" asks the first sentence of its blurb and i had my mind made up about what my next book is going to be.

why is it that we destroy the things we love most?

i've yet to finish the book and thus, i have yet to derive my own answer to that conumdrum. instead i'm going to just showcase the wisdom of coelho here and leave it as that.

that's my problem, paulo said to himself as he started the car. i need some strong emotions. i need a challenge.

it's not just a problem of spiritual search, he continued thinking... he loved his wife but he was getting fed up with marriage. he needed some strong passion in his love, in his work, in almost everything he did in his life. and that went against one of nature's most important laws: every movement needs to pause at times.

he knew that if he continued the way he was, nothing in his life would last for very long. he was biggining to understand what j. had meant when he said that people wind up killing what they loved most.

later, he remarks: it was no longer a challenge, but rather somthing i knew very well, i lost interest. i realised that my path to magic was about to end; the unknown was becoming too familiar to me.
in order to continue my path, i need something more, i need mountains that are taller and taller.

and thus, men destroys that which he loves, coelho presents, because he loses that love of that thing that he had conqured, feeling that they are mountains too small, feeling that he wants more, needs more, deserves more out of what he has. ultimately it is perhaps love, that destroys that which we love.

something that had left me thoughtful for the past few days was presented by coelho also. i had been wondering about the nature of "perfect love" bar God's love for men. the kind that has the highs and lows of a roller coaster ride, of passion, or a more serene go-kart race, thrilling, yet neither matching the highs, nor the lows of the rolloer coaster, a kind of moderation.

in other words, should a perfect lover be able to make you laugh? or is it enough that he/she doesn't make you cry?

chris, coelho's wife writes: meanwhile, no matter h hard she tried, she could not think of one moment when love brought her peace. it was always accompanied by agony, intense joy and deep sadness.

... loves comes to rest only when we are close to death. how strange.

"love at war", is the phrase that she coins, very aptly.

2009-09-08T19:25:00.001+08:00

forever is over

how do you even try to reason such a statement? for 'forever is over' itself contains an inherent logical absurdity. for how can forver be over?

but we all know that in reality, fovever very could.

and each man kills the thing he loves,
by all let this be heard,
some do it with a bitter look
some with a flattering word,
the coward does it with a kiss
the brave man with a sword.
- paulo coelho, The Valkyries

2009-09-04T23:15:00.002+08:00

i've learnt that emotions cannot be rationalised, nor be reasoned through logical nor arithmetical means. it is impossible, at least for me, with my limited cognitive and intellectual facilities.

for example, the joy experienced when i play football, which is free, or relatively cheap in any case, for outweighs what any shopping can bring.

it's not just football. the satisfaction that i experienced when i got myself a compact chess set with peices that looked crystal for just a dollar too was greater than say purchasing a shirt.

so it was an impossible job that i was attempting, comparing two person in my mind. it just not doable, like comparing maradonna to pele.

pele might be more two-footed then maradonna was, thus, for example, he gets 10/10 for his right foot and 7/10 for his left.

maradonna's right foot's sole purpose may very well be just for atnading and balance, but his left, surely, is worth far more than 10/10, but in mathematical terms, 11/10 does not exists.

how then do you account for the variabilities that are bound to exist in real life?

you can't.

so, there are people whom i ought to apologise to (even though till now, i don't feel that i'm in the wrong, and most would concur that i had every right to be angry), to forgive (finally), to speak to again, to let go of petty feuds, to treausre what we had, to call them my brothers again.

we could have drifted apart for reasons best known to us, yet i enjoyed their company much, talking, laughing, playing. you just can't try to weigh the two and try and decide or rationalise which is it that you ought to feel.

instead, i think it's time to hold out a olive branch, to reach out.

i've lost enough people, i've lost enough friends. i don't need to lose more.

2009-09-01T21:21:00.001+08:00

to front like oh well

my favourite song at the moment perhaps because i've been rather concerned about some matters recently.

one thing that has been on my mine constantly is what i perceive, perhaps, as anti-social and clique-ish behaviour. i've always been rather puzzled about the popularity and prevelance of the use of the word 'clique'. to me, clique is a word with a very negative connotation, has always been. the word refers to a narrow exclusive group of people, who do not readily include others. narrow, exclusive of people. notice that nowhere is there the usage of the word 'friends'. 'clique' brings to mind images of the "queen bee" and sorority girls, each trying desperately to be seen with the cool crowd in high school. those being in a clique to not have to be friends. infact, they do not even have to like each other. a clique simply refers to a group of people, on friendly terms or otherwise, who are quite reluctant to allow others in.

somewhere down the road though, the true meaning of the word has been distorted and now, it's morphed into a word that strangely enough, is used to describe a group of friends.

while it is only natural and instinctive to want to stick to one's own familiar circle of friends there comes certain circumstances that one will have to move out of one's comfort zone and interact with others - enrolling in a new school is one such event. desperately clinging onto one's cronies and refusing to involve others, citing them peculiar and unfamilarity as excuses; that amounts to anti-social and clique-ish behaviour.

what irony! for one who so vehemently wishes to be perceived as sociable to be engaging in such reclusive actions.

imagine the discordance and incongruence then, of one who declines to receive others, one who benefitted from the openess and warmness of such a person's group of friends. for if one follows such a line of reasoning - that peculiarity and unfamilarity of less intimate acquaintances is vindication of clique-ish behaviour - then accordingly, such a person should never have had a group of friend to begin with! because no one is ever born with friends. one has to make friends. 'make friends', not 'conjure friends', with the term 'make friends' suggesting that there has to effort involved, that people do not commonly become bosom buddies by some mystical force.

the clinging onto "friends", the enthusiastic re-telling of stories, interrupting others, with "i knows" or completing the sentence of others uninvited, the deliberate equivocating and speaking among themselve in plain sight, all the while refusing to explain their vagueness, the ostracizing of some who are disliked, for reasons uncertain and unbothered.

all these measured and intentional manoeuvrings just to be seen, to be heard, to appear to be "in the know".

oh yes, but to everyone else, we've seen, we've heard, and we know.

2009-07-24T13:29:00.001+08:00

we used to

some really interesting things happened recently and the first that came to mind was looking through old pictures together with my mum.

i when i said old, i mean OLD. OLD as in when my mum was my age OLD.

slightly yellowed though they may be, they fossilised memories of year past and reminscing, my mum began telling me about the significance of each picture, and the story behind them.

from her best friends, to her siblings, to those who she's inevitably lost contact with, to my dad, their dates, and of course wedding the pictures recorded them all like a dutiful and faithful historian, preserving the youth of my parents then.

and it was perhpas then that i appreciated my parents really for who they are, and understood them a little more - that their youth was perhpas not quite as different from mine, the abscence of facebook and handphones notwithstanding, their's was, arguably, a more exciting age, where they would go camping and hking for the thrill of it, not just merely shopping center hop and watch movies like we do. but my parents were young once, and were so very differnt from the mature adults yoked with responsibilities now, duties that i am so determines to out-run.

what used to be.

perhaps this phrase could be said without a tinge of regret. optimism. i choose to say it with optimism for the future, and whatever it holds for me.

someday (robthomas) revolutionary road

2009-07-12T02:16:00.002+08:00

now wait and try to find another mistake

i watched revolutionary road a few days back and it is a really good film. 4 'm's out of five ('m' for matthew in case you're wondering). the acting was top-notch as would be expected from the two leads and the supporting cast were brilliant too. but this was predominantly a story about a husband and a wife. above that, the film is moving and it feels very real, very down-to-earth, something that all of us care about, and would in one way or another, experience.

revolutionary road is in short about a young couple - frank and april wheeler - who, beneath their blissful exterior, are dissatisfied and disillusioned with their lives and more importantly, what they are getting out of it. frank is stuck at a job that he views with disdain, and april is discouraged at her unfulfilled dream of becoming an actress.

and one day, they decide to move to paris, to leave all their responsibilities, their jobs, and their burdens behind, to feel life the way it should be. to really live.

i expected the film to be about a dysfunctional relationship, yet it explored way more than that.

childish, irrational, not practical, not realistic, among others was how some described the wheelers' decision to uproot and move to paris, to live life the way that they want, to feel life the way it should be - to feel whole, and excited, and alive. and this was april's reasoning:

april wheeler: don't you see? that's the whole idea! you'll be able to do what you should have been aloud to do seven years ago, you'll have the time. for the first time in your life, you'll have the time to find out what it is you actually want to do. and when you figure it out, you'll have the time and the freedom, to start doing.
frank wheeler: this doesn't seem very realistic.
april wheeler: no, frank. this is what's unrealistic. it's unrealistic for a man with a fine mind to go on working year after year at a job he can't stand. coming home to a place he can't stand, to a wife who's equally unable to stand the same things. and you know what the worst part of it is? our whole existence here is based on this great premise that we're special. they we're superior to the whole thing. but we're not. we're just like everyone else! we bought into the same, ridiculous delusion. that we have to resign from life and settle down the moment we have children. and we've been punishing each other for it... who made these rules anyway?

brilliant stuff. who's to say that the life we want to live is unrealistic? indeed, what is foolish is to be restrained, unable to truly live because of "responsibilities", because one thinks of oneself as too grown-up, too mature, too sensible to truly live, to do the things that one enjoys. bullshit. who made that rule anyway? yet is not the very purpose of life to live? to feel alive? and if one isn't living one's life, then what is the point of living anyway?

to feed the children? for what? for them to grow up and be caught in the very same rut as oneself? to be disenchanted, disgrunted adults? dissatisfied about the very same things as oneself? what then is the point?

to buy more things? to own more? a bigger house? a flashier car? and when you do get them, so what? one is still going through the same monotonous and tedious motions everyday, believing one is too good for this, yet unable to do what one truly enjoys. by what? by nothing in fact.

frank wheeler: well i support you, don't i? i work ten hours a day at a job i can't stand!
april wheeler: you don't have to!
frank wheeler: but i have the backbone not to run away from my responsibilities!

exactly, you don't have to! who said that being responsible equates to sacrificing what one would dearly like to do for something less, for shit (to put it bluntly)? so to give up an opportunity of a life time, one that you claimed to really wish to go; because of money, or maybe just pride - refusing to even consider borrowing as an option- is foolishness, perhaps condescending even, in my books.

read this again, i love it.

and you know what the worst part of it is? our whole existence here is based on this great premise that we're special. they we're superior to the whole thing. but we're not. we're just like everyone else! we bought into the same, ridiculous delusion.

kate winslet delivered this line with such conviction that it really stuck in my mind.

no! you're not above this! no one is above living life to the fullest, not even the beggar on the streets, if he so chooses to be content, to be thankful for what he has, for the kind souls who give them something to eat, to realise the fullness and value of life - so intangible, yet so sacred and precious, yet so very fleeting. in spite of this, no one is too good to be caught in this cul-de-sac, in this "delusion".

and the irony is that it took a "certified lunatic" to deliver the wisest lines, to see reason, to see hope, to see guts what others perceive as childish, irrational, not practical, not realistic.

john givings: you want to play house you got to have a job. you want to play nice house, very sweet house, you got to have a job you don't like.

john givings: hopeless emptiness. now you've said it. plenty of people are onto the emptiness, but it takes real guts to see the hopelessness.

the film ends in a heartrending manner, portraying the futility of it all, the insignificance of all of the toil, how everything came to nought.

there was no happy ending.

battle of scotland

2009-07-04T23:49:00.001+08:00

kicking shadows in the street

while not the most battered that i've been, i was certainly knocked around quite a bit today playing against a caucasian team (they said that they're from scotland, and no offense, i could barely construe from their thick accent - which perhaps was how i understood what they meant anyway. it was like listening to alex ferguson in a post match interview all over again). all of them are both big and strong, and within minutes of the game, when i first received the ball with my back to goal, one of them went through from the back. the referee didn't call for a foul.

that set the tone for the entire game; i gave no quarter, and expected none.

at this point i must say that the caucasians showed us the utmost respect, no racism nor any xenophobic slurs whatsoever, and were by no means dirty.

it was just that they didn't want to allow me to play (after i turned them inside out several times, with was most pleasing, i must say), and were willing to do that by any means necessary. constant attention from them (take 12, take 12, they'd cry to each other - the jerseys were provided and i couldn't get my favoured '4' shirt so a took 12, a number which i've always been partial to, strangely. i was briefly tempted to take the '10' shirt, but decided to take something less conspicuous.) nudges, niggling tackles, barges in the back, and after being clattered one time too many, there was a fleeting moment of doubt as i went to receive the ball: is it worth it, to get the ball, with a giant behind me, a giant that i would then have to hold off, or take another knock in the back, or lose possession of the ball.

what is most disconcerting is that i love to receive the ball, i like the ball at my feet, i like to control the game, which is exactly why i favor playing in the center of midfield, and yet, after being knocked down repeatedly, i found myself fearing to receive the ball, which will not do. AT ALL. football is as much a physical game as it is a mental one. and fearing your opponents, well, let's just say that you might as well not be on the pitch at all. in fact, it perhaps is better that way.

then i got into some sort of feud with one of the opponent. he caught me on the shin with his stud (and i've got a stud mark on my shin to prove it, even though i was wearing shin guards) as i was moving the ball past him. the referee didn't stop play, and i was outraged i chased him down attempting to get the ball back, and in the next break in play, we exchanged words, with me replying with something witty (i think) which i can't quite remember, but apparently, he didn't like it and proceeded to flatten me totally, going through me from the back, his knee against the back of my head as he went through. i caught his boot as i fell to the ground and attempted in vain to haul him to the ground and just do as much hurt to him as i can, but he was much bigger than i, and furthermore, i was trying to grab him by the ankles with my hand as i fell.

i lost my composure, like i had not done so in a long while, and even as the referee blew for a foul, i went up to him, but was stopped by a teammate of his.

he said sorry, saying that it wasn't intentional, but we both knew it wasn't, he was intimidating me, daring me to one up on him. i guess fear got the better of me, and i faded out of the game from then on, till late in the game, as we were a goal down at that time, when i resolved that i would not be cowed, and i run at them from deep for a couple of times, but it was not to be. we couldn't find the equaliser, and thus lost. i shook hands with everyone of the opponent, and yet even as i did so, i wondered, if indeed fear had got the better of me and what things could have been.

then i recalled a conversation from sometime back.

i was telling mr koh of how i've been, of the comings and goings in my life and at one point, he asked me if i could see myself getting married.

i replied that i believe in the institution of marriage.

but he wasn't satisfied, he and asked again, if i could see myself getting married.

i said that one would have to believe in the institution first of all, before one would even consider marriage.

he said that that is not true (of course it isn't), and probed me yet again for my reply.

and for all of my manipulation of words, he out-maneuvered me, and at last, i replied that i would guess so peehaps a little uncertainly.

mr koh didn't seem too convinced.

rotf?

2009-06-30T02:11:00.001+08:00

torn apart, broken hearted, in a corner crying

you know the bitter taste left in your mouth when you're let down after being promised much, and after expectations that were built up so hard? i do, and transformers 2:rotf , after eagerly anticipating for its release for the best part of the 2 years that just went by, felt me reeling from the sheer horror and disgust of just how awful it is.

first things first, i'm no micheal bay hater, in fact, i enjoyed the first transformers film very much. bay-ham - bay's penchant for blowing things up bigger and louder and at such frequency that it borders between mind-blowing and mind-numbing; as some call it - is a delightful form of escapism to me, and i poured scorned and disdain on the reviewers critiquing tranformers adversely, claiming that the plot was wafer-thin, the characters one-dimensional and the cinematography choppy.

all senseless and empty exposition. tranformers was never meant to be the dark knight, with layered presentations of a given subject matter , measured performances from the actors, among the many other things that the dark knight was.

no, transformers was meant to be a visual fest, with special effects galore, and yet equally enjoyable in a thoroughly dissimilar way.

rotf, on the other hand, sank to new lows. grandiosely top-heavy with special effects, a visual tour de force, one could describe it, yet, so very glaringly, and grossly, vacuous underneath.

characters like ironhide and ratchet, from the first film, and the sideswipe, arcee and jolt (the new additions) had barely 2 lines of dialogue throughout the entire 2 and a half hour movie.

the twin, skids and mudflap, were given plenty of screentime but were plain - the jar-jar binks of transformers, as some have so aptly described.

devestator, the most powerful and devastating of transformers destroyed by 2 shots from a human warship??

i wanted to watch transformers, to watch giant robots slug it out, yes, and i wanted at least some attempt to bring these beloved childhood characters of mine to life, not merely use them as some astonishingly sophisticated prop in a series of huge explosions and jokes that fell flat.

i want to be able to follow thw story, not merely be led, and almost force fed, one ridiculous scene or set-piece after another.

below are 10 questions from yahoo! movies, and really there are way more than that. but this is a good start.

1. In "Transformers," there was this giant battle in the middle of downtown Los Angeles -- excuse me, Mission City -- that was witnessed by thousands of people at the very least. But somehow the government was able to cover up the whole thing, and now the existence of alien robots is just an internet rumor? How did they do it? Pay off everyone who was there and quickly fix millions of dollars in damage? Also, didn't Keller (Jon Voight) go on TV and tell everyone we were being attacked by "a technological civilization far superior to our own"? How did they spin that?
If remember, the novel said Mendelson Robotics is blamed as part of a failed test of new weaponary. Also at the end of the first movie Keller even indicated it was explained as a failed training exercise.

2. There are two pieces of the Allspark cube left: the military has one under lock and key, and Sam discovers another. The Decepticons steal one and bring Megatron back to life. But when Sam (Shia LaBeouf) wants to bring back Optimus, he has to find the Matrix of Leadership on the other side of the globe. Why not use the other piece? Mikaela (Megan Fox) has it in her backpack the whole time. It brought his kitchen appliances to life, why can't it do the same for Optimus?
Mikaela's shard was used on Jetfire

3. Speaking of Megatron's rebirth, when the Decepticons venture deep into the ocean to revive him, the Navy crew tracking them reads five contacts. When they get down there, they tear apart one of the robots for parts to rebuild Megatron. Then as they rise to the surface, the same Navy guys say they spot six contacts. The little "Doctor" robot popped out down there, but he's about a third of the size of a person. Would he have shown up on sonar?

4. That reminds me: even if I were to forgive the Doctor's German accent -- and director Michael Bay is asking me to forgive a lot of ridiculous accents -- why would a robot need glasses? He has little lenses that flip in front of his mechanical eyes. Couldn't he just get his eyes adjusted? You'd think with all the laser guns, someone could perform a Lasik procedure.

5. Apparently, Transformers can look like people now. How? And how is it that even though the robo-girl (Isabel Lucas) is made of metal, she can still straddle Sam without crushing him. And if Bumblebee knows something's wrong with her, why does he spit antifreeze at her instead of telling Sam? Yes, his voicebox is broken, but wasn't it fixed at the end of the last movie?

6. The Fallen is the last of the Primes, since they all sacrificed themselves to stop him from destroying the sun. But then he says that Optimus is a descendant of the Primes. First, Transformers have kids? And second, how could he descend from them if they were all dead? And if the Fallen could only be destroyed by a Prime, why didn't the originals just gang up on him back in the day? And what makes Optimus so special, anyway? Megatron beat him earlier, but all it takes is a few spare parts from creaky old Jetfire for him to take out the Fallen?

7. Sam, Mikaela, and Simmons (John Turturro) go to the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum in Washington D.C. to find Jetfire. Then they walk out the back onto a wide open field with old planes and mountains in the distance. When did the National Mall start to look so much like to Tucson, AZ (where they really filmed that scene)?

8. The geography is just as bad when they go to Egypt. The stone city of Petra in Jordan is over 250 miles away, over mountainous terrain, with few paved roads and the Israeli border between them, so how can they drive from one to the other in a couple of hours. And the Pyramids are said to be shooting distance from the Mediterranean, but they are actually well over 80 miles inland. Even if the Navy ship had a secret rail gun, and even if the captain would take an order to fire from a former agent of a government branch that no longer exists (over a walkie-talkie that inexplicably starts working again), how could it hit a moving target from that distance?

9. Sam briefly dies and goes to Robot Heaven. Robot Heaven?!?!

10. Where does Sam's bandage come from? What about his extra sock? Why does Sam's roommate not contribute anything at all? What was the Fallen doing for those thousands of years Megatron was frozen in ice? How does one satellite receive transmissions from everywhere on the planet? Why does Wheelie hump Mikaela's leg? Why do we have to see John Turturro's thong? Why are robots who join together to become Devastator also seen fighting the Army at the same time? Why does the government want only our military fighting Decepticons when our weapons seem unable to make so much as a dent on any of them? Why did the ancient Egyptians build a pyramid around the sun-destroying machines instead of just breaking it? Why is the Matrix of Leadership bigger in the Fallen's hand than in Sam's? And how do Mikaela's pants stay so clean?

yet at the end of the day, i'm less incensed and bitter about the film than saddened, and feeling prostrate and helpless about it.

battelfield/ice kachang

2009-06-20T23:13:00.000+08:00

hands tied behind my back with nothing

with the weather this scorching, i've been ordering more deserts after my meals recently.

most of the time, i go with my personal favourite: chendol, unless i'm feeling like getting something more fanciful. but sometime back, i thought i'd get a ice kachang - perhaps singapore's most well-known icy treat.

i've never really loved ice kachang though - i find it too sweet, too colourful, too much of an assault on the senses for me. the more unique taste, the more nondescript presentation and the idiosyncratic green jelly of chendol is my choice of poison.

but ice kachang i chose because, in a way, it is special. i remember my dad always getting ice kachangs for my family, 2 ice kachangs for the four of us, and he would get 2 empty bowls too, and divide the 2 hills of ice equally, because if he did not, my sister and i, in our eagerness would topple the tall heap of ice. 1 bowl of ice kachang to share between 2, 1 atap seed for each, and plenty of colours and jellies and red beans. that was my impression of ice kachang:to be shared.

and as time went by, i learned to gradually eat ice kachang by the side and when i dad lost his job in the '98 recession, we ate out less. and i discovered the charms of chendol.

still, the memories remained and it was the most compelling reason why i decided to get a ice kachang that day, for old times sake (you know that you're approaching 20 when you say that).

the ice kachang was as imposing a chunk of ice as ever and as colourful as ever.

i began gathering the ice from the sides (as i always do now, even in a race to find the atap seeds) but before long i came to acknowledge what i've always known - that ice kachang is meant to be shared; it was too much for me, and i grew weary of the taste of it soon and the joy of finding the atap seed was empty.

today, i went and got a chendol.

later in the day, i walked past some swings. i paused for a moment reminiscing about the past times, and then i walked past the swings to the chin-up bar and did some chin-ups till the blisters on the pads of my hands nearly tore.

guess i better go and get my amour.

her diamonds

2009-06-12T20:16:00.004+08:00

but don't let her see

the great thing about working in my fyp group is perhaps the already established team dynamics - everyone works, and in my opinion, we're a balanced group each of us having our own strengths and thus, we can get work done.

however, there are other things in life that require people working together, and what i don't like is that when things are supposed to ironed out together, i'm left alone to sort through the debris and wreckage of what was, wrecked by a tempest of a tantrum thrown.

true, whatever that was wanted was construed from the series of innuendos and allusions, and perhaps, illusions and dellusions. but i was then left to work things out by myself, to bulid what was not destroyed by i, even when one was "unsure".

and all of a sudden, i was in charge of making things work and if things didn't, i would be a convenient fall guy.

that aside, i really have nothing more to write about. life's been even more hectic since the holidays, and i hate to write when i don't have the time to.

kind of like what treebread said: ents do not say anything, unless it take a long time to say it. or something like that.

i will survive another heartbreaker

2009-06-08T01:27:00.002+08:00

i will survive another heartbreaker

we expected to struggle in today's game. but after kickoff, we didn't touch the ball for the first 20 minutes because our opponent were passing like barcelona, our 9 game winning streak looked threatened...

but for those who missed today's game, our opponent was the strongest we met as far as i can remember. but machiam chelsea beat barcelona, we thrashed the sorry buggers 3-2 from being down 0-1... but richard thought it was more like burnley beat arsenal...

anyway our unbeaten streak is still intact...

an excerpt taken from henry's email which i found funny.

but our opponents today were indeed strong, some of them comparable to my teamates in the sp team.

yet beat them we did, and as henry so aptly described, we beat them by being water-tight at the back, industrious in midfield, clinical upfront, and so very organised as a unit.

burnley? richard's being a little too harsh on us. chealsea's more fair a comparison, and we deserved our hard-fought win.

i played in my most favored central midfield berth, after being played out on the left (our star japanese winger returned to japan for the past two weeks) and both full-back positions because of the shortage of personals, and worked my socks off, tracking back, closing down, getting stuck in, breaking play and supporting the attack whenever i could.

as you could tell, we were on the back foot throughout the game with our opponents controlling possession.

and early in the first half, their pressure told, and we crumbled after some intricate passing, and some comical defending from us.

that seemed to spur me on more, and with possibly our first real attack and chance of the game, i got the game level with a left footed finish inside the box after a swift counter attack. 1-1 and game on.

for all the possesion that out opponents had, they rarely troubled our keeper, who was outstanding, confidently dealing with the crosses whipped on occasion.

we went into the break level, and within minutes, after some brilliant one-touch exchanging of passes we scored on the break again.

then a corner won on the break (again) was converted and we were cruising at 3-1, with our opponents hardly getting a sniff on goal despite their time on the ball, and we were increasingly able to unsettle them with our direct and potent breaks. mel was colossal up front, holding up the ball ably, tak (out japanese winger) was a menace, and i (if i may say so myself), was bombing in from deep.

they got a goal back from a soft penalty after one of the tallest and biggest (big, not fat - big as in muscular big) went down in the box à la drogba.

3-2 the final score.

fun fun fun game, great entertainment, though we nearly clashed on more than a few occasions, with words exchanged.

but hey, i'm not one who shirks from a challenge (at least i don't think so), nor one who gives up easily, nor one who gladly accepts defeat on the chin.

i was never a good loser, and just because i don't act like a kid and throw tantrums whenever defeats inevitably comes around now - i learnt the hard way - doesn't mean that i enjoy it any more than i did, and my friends and teamates know me well enough to steer clear whenever i'm fuming.

i just don't do delusions.

cars that need a lot of oil

2009-06-04T23:52:00.000+08:00

in 30 seconds flat

10 year old alec greven, the author of the new york time best seller how to talk to girls wrote this:

pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil. the best choice for most boys is a regular girl.

cars that need a lot of oil.

hell, that is one brilliant 10 year old.

how cool is that?

2009-05-31T15:18:00.000+08:00

just get back up when it knocks you down

i'm totally wasted now.

in the space of 24 hours i just completed 3 football games, 2 of which were 11-a-side matches.

on saturday morning:

woke up had breakfast and went out to play street soccer with my secondary school friends.
energy level = 100%

it rained when i reached, but after that the sun re-took the skies and beat down upon us without mercy and our opponents forced us to work hard. our string of wins came then, after losses during the downpour. i joked that we were solar powered.
energy level = 50%

saturday afternoon:

went off to have lunch and decided on a whim to order ice kachang since it was so hot and also because i haven't had it since forever. headed to tuition after that and was served green tea (the real kind, not the pokka ones).
energy level = 70%

saturday evening:

walked for about 40 minutes from my student's house to dunearn secondary school, i ended tuition at about 4 and since the game was at 5 (everyone would be late anyway) and also, i had an idea where the school was, i decided to walk there. notwithstanding the misleading or erroneous directions given when i decided to check if i was heading in the right direction, i stuck to my guns and was proven right in the end. turned out to be a wonderful warm up for the game.
energy level = 65%

played for about 70 minutes and was on the receiving end of a few hard knocks, with a bugger collecting a yellow card for hacking me down for the umpteenth time. thus, i was feeling a little sore and worn out after the game. rick offered to drive me home and i was thankful.
energy level = 10%

sunday morning:
woke up with a mildly aching body and had breakfast before rushing out to meet thomas as i was running late.
energy level = 70%

the sun again, was unforgiving, inexorably beating down upon us but it was a total mismatch and we routed our opponents and i helped myself to 2 goals. quite pleasing all in all.
energy level = 10%

and i spent the rest of the day recovering at home. thought about going out for a run, or playing football (again) with my church friends in the evening, but in the end laziness and plain weariness overrode the heart.

sometimes, it's not that i do not enjoy being out late, or just plain pointless staring at the computer screen into the wee hours of morn, having a ball of a time. it's just that i'd much rather, i'd enjoy playing football so much more.

boring yes, but hey, if its good enough for a certain mr giggs, mr scholes and mr zola (one of my favourite players ever) its cool with me.

oh and i met a 61 year old, still playing football.

how cool is that?

'WHAT NOW MAN UNITED

2009-05-30T23:10:00.001+08:00

oh clouds of time, seem to rain on innocence left behind

sports columnists - next to girlfriends - have got to be the most ridiculous people on the planet.

i read an article that screamed 'WHAT NOW MAN UNITED?' detailing the problems that manchester united and alex ferguson are facing after the defeat to barcelona in the champions league.

right, so we lost a champions league final - the second successive final that we reached, and we won the first, might i add - and hence, according to the writer, its time to panic. let me put this into context, this article comes on the end of a highly fruitful campaign, yielding the carling cup and the premier league (the world club cup and the community shield do not quite count) and we lost to a very good team, arguably the best set of players in the world right now.

even more laughable were some of the points brought up.

firstly, the writer mentioned the supposed discontent of ronaldo and tevez and their probable departure in the summer. pay heed to the words supposed and probable.

both ronaldo and tevez are irrefutablely big players, able to win games single-handedly but SAF (not our armed forces but sir alex ferguson) and manchester united - the two are almost synoymous - are bigger than any player, and SAF is experienced, and willy, and ingenious enough to not lose any player that he doesn't wish to, and replace any that he feels are superfluous. just take a look at his track record: japp stam, david beckham, ruud van nistelrooy in recent times (since i started watching football), paul ince and mark hughes earlier, replacing irreplacalbe legends like bryan robson, eric cantona and roy keane among many others that i, with my limited knowledge, cannot recount. time to pan

the most absurd of the lot is to come: the claim that ryan giggs and paul scholes are "past their sell-by date".

this is because, the writer argues, xavi and iniesta domintated the midfield. he goes on, saying that should united have "the likes of steven gerrard or frank lampard... (barcelona) would not have been able to dominate as they did". wait, did chealsea not have frank lampard? and refresh my memory, did chealsea not fall to an iniesta goal? xavi and iniesta is perhaps the finest midfield pairing in the world right now, and we were playing them without darren fletcher who has matured beyond recognition this season, and owen hargreaves too.

also, what happened to evergreen just a week ago? how ludicrous. the duo have been influential throughout the entire season, and none, can hit quite as delectable a 40, 50, 60 yard pass in planet football as scholes. and how many wingers do you know have successfully converted to be a dexterous and accomplished central midfielder? giggs and scholes still have a part, a crucial part to play in this united team, with the sheer amount of experience that they possess and quite simply, their ability.

dimitar berbatov was too lambasted. admittedly, for 30 million pounds, he was a let down. but he is an indubitable class-act. his control, composure, cleverness, craft and cunning are world-class, epitomised by how he took down edwin van der sar's long punt and set up tevez for his goal against manchester city. give him one more year, and a pre-season with his teamates and it'll be more fair to appraise him then.

liverpool's pretension for the league, our debts (which frankly, i'm concerned about too) and the inevitable retirement of SAF one day were too mentioned, but really, they are but arrant bullshit (except the part about the extensive debts) conceived by a deluded individual hell-bent on putting united down - as with the rest of the article.

and oh, i think i've heard you

2009-05-18T21:36:00.008+08:00

looking at all or nothing babe it`s you and i

in time we'll find this was no surprise

the ideal love song (quite unlike love story which feels to fairtale-ish) and the perfect break-up song.

it has been said that songs are the poetry of today, with a tune (some poems were written to be sung anyway).

the beauty of poetry lies in its subtle yet deliberate presentation of the subject matter, through the poet's chosen style, form, techniques and diction.

each poem is elegant, conveying the poet's thoughts and prose, and in comparison, common prose appears to become cumbersome and crude with the restrictions of grammar and linguistics and its explicitness.

nothing too cryptic about all or nothing but it does tell of a beautiful love story, from the first meeting the lovers ending up tying the knot.

and the notion of all or nothing in a relationship is indeed something to ruminate upon, the idea of giving, and sharing, everything that one has, and is, with another is something not to be taken lightly.

all or nothing means that the relationship is no fling, it has marriage in mind (after all "social norms" dictates that marriage is the 'all' in most relationships - "social norms" is a hotly debated term but that's writing for another post), and even beyond that, it has forever in mind - forever in the most conservative sense of the word - or nothing at all.

you and i will be a tough act to follow but i know in time we'll find this was no surprise

oh and as for no surprise, pretty clear cut here: it's just a break up song that sounds good.

i ain't the one screwed

2009-05-17T22:21:00.001+08:00

and she said there ain't much to leave behind

i read a interesting article about what sumiko tan termed "emotional hunger".

she writes about food being both friend and foe in emotional hunger, which experienced mostly by women, especially when they are feeling unhappy or upset, or stressed, and causes cravings for food items which are almost always delectably and sinfully rich in sugar, fat and salt. succumb though to these lust and one ends up feeling unhealthy, guilty and perhaps even disgust of oneself.

she goes on to explain that food high in sugar fat content lights up the brain's dopamine pathway. dopamine is a pleasure inducer which is also produced during sex - unless i'm grossly mistaken - which really is some potent stuff and helps to dispel some of the negative feelings that one might be feeling. otherwise, emotional hunger, or emotional eating, more specifically, could simply be a means to feel good, much like for example, alcohol or sex.

strange though, it seemed to me, that few men experience emotional hunger. after all, are not the men who are deemed to be (mostly by condescending and smug women) emotionally deficient and having issues facing up to our feelings just because we do not talk about them to just any willing pair of ears (and even some reluctant ones). yet we are not the ones seeking solace in, of all things, food, and above that, highly processed, unhealthy food.

oh no you emotional eating females out there, you are no better than us, nor do you have any right to place yourselves on a pedestal just because i play football for my endorphin fix. no, might i add, you bingers are worse.