my friends in LA they don't know where i've been for the past few years or so

well, it seemed appropriate that i should end 2011, in camp, doing guard duty since 2011 had been a year spent entirely in the army, being a soldier.

i was in the guard room, listening to the radio, as the host excitedly counted down from 2012, and when the moment came, 2012, my fellow guard remarked, 'no feeling eh?'.

to which i replied, 'i know right,' but hurried over to the rest room next door where there's a television set.

i was greeted by my guards were, in my opinion, determined to enjoy this moment, despite being stuck, as i was, in camp, doing duty. they were cheering, smiling, making the most of what they could, and the moment i entered, i was greeted with a cheerful 'happy new year!'.

i gave my guards 10 minutes to revel in the ushering in of 2012, some of them were on the phone, greeting their loved ones no doubt, before i pushed them off for the next shift of their duties.

such is life in the army. what must be done must be done, new year or not.

but what a year 2011 had been. saying that 2011 had been enjoyable would have been a stretch (i'm really glad that the year is gone), but 2011 wasn't without lessons and its silver linings.

life in the army is perhaps the most uncomfortable that i've ever been. i don't mean it in the physical sense per se (i used to NEED hot water to shower), but even mentally.

the physical demands of army are well-known, the long marches, heavy loads, lack of sleep, COLD SHOWERS (hahaha it took me a while to get used to that), the discomfit of being out in the field (which unfortunately for me, is somewhere that i find myself quite frequently), among others.

but the physiological aspects of dealing with NS are much more ambiguous. in the past, no matter what i did, i had (or at least i thought i had) a certain sort of self-assuredness, a kind of confidence in myself. even as i'm going through the worst storms, i could always tell myself that i'm better than that, and i always did.

but 2011 was the year that i felt depressed the most frequently, and there's little that one could do about it. the army decides for you, your vocation, your unit, your duties, your daily routine.

the marches are fine, the load is bearable, mud is just - mud - it doesn't hurt you, but it is the dread before all these that really messes one up.

booking in on sunday night is one of the most torturing times of the week, knowing that the week ahead promises plenty more uncomfortable moments, seeing the people around going about their daily lives, enjoying the last hours of the weekend, doing the simple things, totally oblivious to the struggle inside you.

i used to wonder why people would go AWOL, especially when the repercussions are severe.

but admittedly, there had been times this past year when going AWOL seemed so tempting.

the one thing that most people look most fondly back at NS is the companionship, and not without good reason, for we have found the best defense to combat the dread, and it is laughing at it, in spite of it, laughing at the face of shit that comes our way, together with the only other people who understand - those who are going through the exact difficulties as we are.

there was once when we had to literally crawl through a swamp, and as we were jumping in we were yelling, 'swamp si bo (swamp is it)?!'. crawling through a swamp sucks, have no doubt about it, and given a choice i wouldn't do it again, but somehow, it didn't seem so bad at that moment.

one thing though, that i hate more than anything else is being cold (no i'm not going on about cold showers still).

being cold outfield is one of the worst feeling ever, with your uniform damp from either perspiration and/or rain water and the chilly wind blowing against you - that sucks so damn much, and only those who are from the combat vocations, those who have to rough it out in the field would truly share my sentiment.

being a scout (one of the tougher vocations), posted in an active unit (the worst place one can go as an NSF), a 3rd sergeant (many say its that worst rank), i am terribly busy with life in camp. i book out on saturdays and book in on sundays (that is if i don't have weekend duties that week), my social life is non-existant, and i don't get to play nearly as much football as i would have liked, once a week if i'm lucky, i far cry from the days when i can play football everyday of the week, twice, if i'm lucky.

and i often wonder at my friends who are attached, how do they do it? we have so little free time of our own as it is, how do they find time for one another? and if their answer is with the time between saturday and sunday, how do they find time for their own interests? and the answer is normally that they don't.

one of the things that i like to do most during my book out time (apart of football of course), is to just chill out at home. almost everyday of the week i spend hustling and bustling in camp, and in my free time, all i want to do is to shut down, maybe play some starcraft, watch some movies, check out youtube.

and it is then that i'm really thankful that i'm don't have a girlfriend now, that i have my time for myself, that i don't have any obligations to fulfill to anyone when i book out.

but it is nice, to have someone to listen to you rant about the injustice of it all (believe me, there're plenty of injustice in the army), to share the pride for a job well done, just to have someone there for you, but it'd be terribly selfish of me, to want al these 'perks' of being attached while being reluctant to give up my football time.

and then, 2011 was the year that death becomes real to me. first, my uncle succumbed to throat cancer after a long battle. and then, my friend who is just a year older that i simply collapsed and died, and his death shook me.

i don't really want to write more about this matter, but i remember thinking, at my uncle's funeral:

what is life, that at the end of it all, all the deeds, the victories and defeats it all encapsulated in a wooden box, though handsome, yet is so small. my uncle had a larger than life kind of personality, yet even he, looked diminished.

the bright yellow chrysanthemum, the loud wailing music, the out-pouring of grief from the loved ones, sobbing - all juxtaposed sharply against my uncle who was lying serenely, smart in his black suit. so too the toddlers fidgeting in their mothers arms, blissfully unaware, smiling and cooing.

the only two people at the funeral who are oblivious to everything else are the one that life had just forsakened, and the one that life had just embraced.

one of the better things that happened over the past year is that i learnt how to drive, and my first ride is a benz j 4 wheel drive, and drivinf off road is sooo fun.

and then, close to the end of the year, there was you are the apple of my eye. best film this year. 'nuff said.

that was my 2011 (somewhat) i'm just writing down whatever comes to mind, and good life feels pretty apt to end everything with, since its been some kinda theme song to army for me.