someone said to me to make full use of my time before army; it is highly unlikely that i'd get another extended period of time like that, to be carefree and simply be able to do whatever it is that i want to without any repercussions.
try as i might, i just can't quite remember who it was who said this to me, but this person sure made good sense.
instead of whinging about how long i have to wait to get enlisted, making full use of my time was exactly what i tried to do.
to be totally honest, i can't wait for army to come, simply because i'd like to write the closing chapters of my pre-national service days and move on to the next stage of life and the victories and the defeats that life has in stall for me. i've deferred national service for a long, long time already - i should have gone in 2 year earlier - and now, national service is something that i have to complete before i can head to university and just get on with life.
i've said so many times that i might just do something crazy after uni, something like go to africa as a missionary - i don't know - but who knows, maybe somewhere nearer, thailand maybe, for a year after graduation? that's something that i surely would not rule out. so i'm quite excited about what the future has in stall for me, and so, really, i can't wait to get national service done with and out of the way.
that is not to say that i feel that national service is a waste of time. i understand what singapore has given me, an education, first-world living conditions, a by and large meritocratic system that has not disadvantaged me just because of my parents income. most importantly, singapore has given me a place where i can go to church, where i can read my bible in public, where God can be taught without persecution. singapore is not the perfect country, and PAP sure is not the perfect political party. but they've done a good enough job, and have given me much. and if all that i've taken, all that my family has been given, requires 2 years of my time, then i feel that my time is well spent indeed.
coming back after a long digression, as i'm coming to the end of my time before national service, here are some reflections about how i've spent my time, and i do believe that i have spent my time wisely, to do the things that i've wanted to, things that i've not gotten a chance to, and tried my darnest to make every second count.
there've been some realy big things happening since i graduated, and in this time, i've grown up so, so much. i will not go into detail here about everything - it doesn't do justice to 9 months of lessons to concise all of it into a short piece of writing, and some things i'm still on the path of discovery and awe and amazment.
some of the highlights include cambodia and chiangmai - the people that i've gotten to re-know, me going back to my piano and not stopping, picking up the guitar, teaching the primary children and having the time for old friends whom i've not had the time to see for so long a time.
and of course, i can't leave this out, the whole saga with peiyu immediately after graduation.
i had thought that the whole episode was a big lesson for me, but no, how wrong and limited am i indeed.
there was so much more that i was to learn, there was so much more that i was to experience, so much more that i was to discover but in order for all that to come to past, peiyu HAD to happen, this much is clear to me now.
for those who know me well enough, pride is a big problem for me. i'm far too arrogant about my abilities and to others, i come across as someone who always thinks that he is right. problem is, i feel that i am usually right.
i was in one of my invincible phases back in feburary, had been for some time before already, and i had to be reminded of just how helpless i really am.
indeed, i had to end my compromise, and instead, re-direct my energies and focus back to the God who brought me out of year 2006. my God.
who was i kidding anyway, stubbornly holding onto something that i knew would not last anyhow (comeon, peiyu and me? anyone who had enough sense would recognise that it would not have worked out, and i thank thoue who were good enough friends to point that out to me), whatever for? pride.
"just who does that slimy bugger think he is to just be able to go behind my back and take what is mine," i thought, "this kind of things don't happen to guys like me.".
ah, but what kind of guy am i really? a wretch. everything that i have has been given to me, so how can i boast in things that isn't mine? how can i thump my chest and think myself great when i possess nothing? i cannot.
and this was the reminder that i needed before i could "spend my time wisely" this past 9 months.
no matthew, it is not all about you.
and it is only when i realised this fact that i could begin to understand and discover.
cambodia was important for various reasons. i woke up an hour early one day in cambodia because i'm always too lazy to change to the local time, instead believing that i'm smart enough to mentally substract the time difference (see, see, so proud). so while i was just reflecting then, when i realised that the entire saga never once came into my mind ever since i got there, and i could no longer muster the sharp sense of disgust nor the bitter taste of betrayal anymore. instead, i was reminded of the kind of girl that i should be going for. among other things, she ought to be someone i can have a conversation with, someone who can actually speak english (with all due respect, i'm not bashing anyone about english standards - mine isn't all that good too - but really, i'm just more comfortable in english, especially when i'm trying to be very frank and express myself accurately). oh and it helps if she is gorgeous too.
thailand was where i really saw how missionaries work, and just how fortunate i am here in singapore to be able to learn about my God since i was a kid, and just how much i had taken it for granted. i cannot write all my experiences in chiangmai here simply becaues there would be so much to write about, but i do think that most of it is safely recorded down in my notebook, and for now, that would suffice.
however, both trips really put into question my defination of home. on both trips i met people whom i know. people whom i had known for long, long time. and indeed, nothing, nothing can replicate this feeling of familiarity, and dare i say it, family, even after my 4 year absence.
and so, this is a short summary of everything that i had learnt in these past months, more for myelf than anything. i'd have liked to be able to write in more detail, and included more, but i'm really tired now, and i think this shall suffice for now.