it's like taking one step forward and two steps back
i'm quite sure that i've posted this song here before, but i'm still choosing this song today because of this one line off the song: it's like taking one step forward and two steps back.
for those who noticed, this line had been my personal message for the better part of the last 6 months (as i've been corrected recently), and i've only just changed it because i felt that it is no longer applicable.
but that was exactly how i felt things were for the past months - it's like taking one step forward and two steps back.
i remember writing about how things were in my final year in polytechnic, and how i was enjoying myself (albeit in a different manner) even while i was playing a lot less football than i what i was used to in my first two years in sp. that was in november (and while looking back for that particular entry, i noticed another entry of mine which is particularly interesting, but more about that later). i remember relishing, the new experiences that i got to live (poly 50, the 2 trips overseas to jakarta and india respectively, the people, food and the way of life there, the new people i got to know and all that) and the only real blemish on that first semester that i could think of was an misunderstanding with kellyn, something what we both allowed to fester, and we both ended up not talking normally to each other for almost the whole semester. i didn't tell her what i was unhappy about, nor did she.i'm glad to say that we've since gotten that out of the way, but it was only when we both were completely honest about how we felt about that issue that this mini-rift between us was cleared.
but personally, the past six months wasn't quite as good. the trip to india saw me getting tangled in something that i had never intended to, and from that point on (i'm going to start using the collective term 'we' from here) it feels like we were just lurching from one emotional crisis to another, from one disagreement to another, one fight to another. and the only respite from all that drama was when we were both busy with our own commitments be it fyp, football, school work et cetera. something as innocuous as 'what are you unhappy about' can lead to disappointment, broken promises, apologies, accusations, angst, bewilderment, frustration, helplessness, secrecy, silence and even swearing. and when we finally do work something out, when it finally feels like we've taken 1 step forward, the next crisis, the next disagreement, the next fight comes along, and we're back to square minus 1, two steps back.
and it even came to a point when at times, when our group of friends are heading out, celebrating a birthday for example, i don't really feel like joining in, because i really don't know what we'd be fighting about next, when we'd be fighting, and why we'd even be fighting at all.
if ever 1 line could concisely sum up our story it would be exactly this: it's like taking one step forward and two steps back.
and honestly, after these long, long 6 months (as you so aptly corrected me) i just feel so drained, so worn out that i really don't want to fight anymore, nor do i have the capacity to care.
what i really want now is just to reclaim my life. do the things that i want to, when i want to. i said in my entry in november that poly life has given me so many new experiences, but for the past 6 months i've had little. the things that i wanted to do, you weren't keen, but now, i'm free to do just what i wish, without having to convince anyone to come along. i'm going to cambodia for a mission trip come june, i'll definitely get a diving licence sometime in te the future, and there're a couple of things in my head that i'm excited about. hopefully they'll come to fruition.
coming back to that interesting post that i stumbled upon, it was the one about know if a particular woman is the 'right one' found at the following url: http://desiderata-matt.blogspot.com/2009/11/honest-intelligent-conversation.html.
i quote, "'can i ask these questions and have an honest, intelligent conversation with this woman when we disagree?' because if you can't, none of her answers really matter.".
and i wrote these following words.
3 words that i feel are really crucial: honest, intelligent, conversation.
honest means no deliberate equivocating, no concealing, honest means being forthcoming, being open, and honesty takes a leap of faith.
intelligent means that one must have a mind of his/her own, and be able to put them across coherently, or at the very least, in a manner comprehensible.
and perhaps most importantly, conversation means there's dialoge, an exchange of opinions, conflicting or concurring notwithstanding, but at the end of it, both parties understand where the other is coming from.
my answer now? no, no and no.
and so i changed my personal message, and this time round, it's taken off a beautiful, beautiful song titled sing (your love) by hillsong and for those who're unfamiliar with hillsong, they're a christian band making - of course - christian music.
which leads me to one of my struggles. i've always wanted to avoid sounding preachy, and to respect the belief of others as well while not compromising on my own faith as well.
and so, when i'm speaking to my non-believing friends about my faith, i'd always say that 'i'm not forcing anything onto you, this is just what i choose to believe in.'.
and this is what i believe in:
i believe that my God is real, that He loves me and that He died on the cross for me, that He has a perfect plan for my life.