i actually wanted to post a slower song called many of horror for this post, but decided that since this is going to be the first post of the new year, i might as well choose something way groovier, and to me at least, there are few songs more groovy then this.
this post was first written a long time back, a couple of days after my 20th birthday, but i couldn't find the time, and afterwards, the will-power to complete it, but i feels appropriate for me to finish this up now, at the turn of the new year as we all looked back onto 2009 and reflect upon the the mistakes made, the achievements accomplished and most importantly, the lessons learnt.
i''ve been reminded of some of my convictions these past few days by a series of events, and now that i'm officially past my teenage life, i've resolved to learn from my mistakes past.
i've come to the realisation that my family are those who stuck around, through my highs and my lows, and they chose to stick with me despite knowing me for exactly who i am. despite knowing the worst of me, my family chose to love me, and though my parents did nothing flashy for me (just a simple sms from my mum, a manutd magazine that i used to buy a lot when i was younger, before the glazers bought the club and a happy birthday from my sister, and dinner with my family at this evening - 21st of november 2009 then) i am truly appreciative of my parents, for putting up with me and my mercurial temperament, for my sloppiness, for my self-centeredness, for being nothing but supportive even as i run around kicking a ball around - something that is supposedly not very productive - and always being there to give me a helping hand when i run into difficulties, or conversely, supporting me silently in the background in all my endeavours. my parents did their best to ensure that i'd always have a warm and comfortable home to return to at the end of the day, weary and battered by the trials of the world, yet they never mollycoddled me, allowing me to shine with my own light, to learn from the lessons that i've to, to experience life the way that i'm meant to. my family isn't perfect, no, but as my mum puts fittingly in her sms to me,
'dad and mum love you as who you are though we may not express it out...' and really, that is all that i can ever ask.
i was served a stark reminder too, to not chase after riches and material wealth. for no matter how much that i may already have, there is always something newer, better, cooler, there is always something more to toil for.
solomon, the wisest man ever lived, and the man with incredible riches wrote these very words:
utter meaningless! everything is meaningless. what does man gain from all his labour at which he toils under the sun?
whoever loves money never has money enough, whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income. this too is meaningless. as goods increase, so do those who consume them. and what benefit are they to the owner except to feast his eyes in them? the sleep of the labourer is sweet, whether he eats little or much, but the abundance of a rich man permits him no sleep.
i have seen a grievous evil under the sun: wealth hoarded to the harm of its owner.
sometimes, it's so easy to be caught up with and become obsessed with a number in our bank accounts, so much so that we plot ways and strategise plans to make that number bigger, to increase our income and accordingly, decrease our expenditure. and it shows, we start to talk about money more and more frequently, money becomes a favored conversation topic, a thought constantly on our minds and we even then begin to think that this is a sign of maturity, to be aware of one's financial health, that one is earning his/her own keep, that one is growing up.
and all these for what? just so that we can buy the new, the good, and the cool.
while i do not have any problems with one attempting to be financially independent, hell, i try as much as i can to be thus myself. i'm saying that the wisest man who has ever lived said that it becomes a grievous evil when it becomes a preoccupation and the pushing force for the toil of our lives. and when it comes from the wisest man who has ever lived himself, i say we pay heed to what he had to say.
this is what solomon has to say after his rant about everything being meaningless.
then i realised that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labour
note that solomon did not say find happiness in his toilsome labour. the word is satisfaction.
satisfaction means to be content, to put an end to wants, needs or desires. and to put an end implies a state of permanence, or at least, longevity.
happiness in contrast is circumstantial and fleeting.
i like the defination from dictionary.com
happiness results from the possession or attainment of what one considers good
contentment is a peaceful kind of happiness in which one rests without desires
therefore, solomon is effectively saying, to find peace and rest in our toilsome labour. what a paradox. and how profound.
money, if it's sole purpose is to be used to for the attainment of what one considers good, brings about a vicious cycle whereby one never has enough, whereby one always has to strive for more more and more still with the reasoning that it is not wrong to reward ourselves. after all, we have worked hard have we not? but there's a loophole that many chooses not to see. that there is a better alternative to happiness. there's contentment, whereby one rests in peace, without desires. and contentment comes from a much much more exoteric outlook to life as compared to the heavily egocentric way of living to gain happiness.
my reminder to seek contentment is from this person whom we shall call a. a easily earns double of what i do in a month, giving up much something that he/she enjoys doing very much, but still is always claiming to not quite have enough money. a wanted to be part of a meaningful experience and rare opportunity but in the end, chose to give it up for something that was new, was good, was cool. i thought that a waste, considering how a claimed to really want be part of the experience, and also because a had something very similar to the more new, more good and more cool item purchased, albeit one that is obviously less new, less good, less cool. and now, less then 6 months later, a wants to get something more new, more good, more cool than what was purchased. what an incredible waste! and the irony is that, had a chosen to spend his/her money in a wiser and much more mature manner - that is, in my opinion, to follow one's heart and not allow one's decisions to be governed solely by finance, a would now have both the ability to get this more new, more good, more cool and more many toy, and an adventure of a lifetime.
now, a has neither.
so really, is toiling and labouring for material wealth worth it? i do not think so, because no matter how much happiness that you derive from a expensive buy, there will always be a more new, more good, more cool and more many version waiting just around the corner, and then one never becomes satisfied, and then, indeed wealth hoarded brings harm to its owner.
conversely, there were 3 people who encouraged me greatly with their attitude towards money, and more than that, towards life and how it should be used and lived; something that i strive to emulate.
thomas merton writes:
a happiness that is sought for ourselves alone can never be found: for a happiness that is diminished by being shared is not big enough to make us happy.
there is a fake and momentary happiness in self-satisfaction, but it always leads to sorrow because it narrows and deadens out spirit. true happiness is found in unselfish love, a love which increases in proportion as it is shared. there is no end to the sharing of love, and, therefore, the potential happiness of such love is without limit.
these 3 guys truly demonstrated to me the truth of selfless loving and sharing of one's blessings; not perfectly - for none of us is perfectly - but sincerely.
2 of the 3 guys can be considered affluent, the other not so. one of whom does own expensive and branded items, but it is his sheer willingness to go the extra mile for the convenience of others, to share some of his blessings for the sake of others that is heart-warming. he places his friends above the bother of being the last to get home and even the cost of the petrol that he has to part with for sending people who stay all over singapore home. all these with a word of complain, no hint of reluctance. this is someone who is ready to assist others, even at his own expense and many of us can attest to this fact.
the other can be thought of as well-off too, although he is a little less flamboyant with his spending. yet i've seen first-hand, his readiness, bothering on alacrity to use his resources to enrich and benefit others should there be a reason to do so.
and lastly, perhaps the least rich of the 3, yet in his own unassuming manner, he blesses others, serving them without complain, always being ready for the unfancied labour, and even giving everyone an unexpected treat.
so here's to kelvin, to john and to joseph, the people who understands to true nature of joy, of happiness.
and lastly, i've learnt the importance of self-control, in manner of speech, in manner of action. a few weeks ago, was sent-off, not for the first time, in a game. i was furious after being repeatedly fouled - i'm a hard player, i'm told, but i am not a dirty player that i can boldly claim, hand on heart - and after a particularly heavy and nasty tackle from behind just when i was going to shoot, i momentarily lost my cool and shoved that idiot in the chest.
i regained my composure soon after, even in the chaos that ensued: my teammates were unhappy at the foul too, and also the numerous dubious calls of the referee and the opponents were of course not too thrilled about he pushing their man. i was being pushed around by them - fools who really should know better because they know how many times they've resorted to illegal challenges on both myself and my teammates when things were not favourable to them, but i did not retaliate. if anything, i smiled because liangfa once told me that i should smile at my opponent when their trying their best to taunt you.smile at them, because it pisses them off like crazy, because they're trying to get under your skin but they are not succeeding. i remember him telling me this when i was a hot-head of moron in secondary school, and he was this experienced big brother who played in the 'a' division. his advice helped me greatly while i learnt to curb my self-destructive tendencies of reacting instead of thinking. what was incredulous was that after the small scuffle died down, the bone-head of the referee sent me off, a straight red, for violent conduct. this despite the offenders who have been persistently fouling me the entire game, nor the fools who pushed me not getting booked.
i told myself that day that i will not lose my self-control again, just because some idiot tries to wind me up. i will stay on the pitch, i will fight on, and i will give them hell, and during all that, i will smile at them.
this is the same in life, to not lose one's composure in spite of the best efforts of others to get you to do so. they want you to self-destruct, but no, refuse to do exactly what they wish of you. stay on the pitch, fight on, give them hell. and during all of it, smile at them.
family, not hoarding but sharing and to keep my self-control. these are what i wish to keep in mind not just today, not just immediately after my birthday, not just in 2010, but in life, and the challenges that are to be.
last but not least, happy 2010 people, and dance along to the tunes of supermassive black hole, which has got to be like the coolest song to dance to. and definitely the grooviest.