while not the most battered that i've been, i was certainly knocked around quite a bit today playing against a caucasian team (they said that they're from scotland, and no offense, i could barely construe from their thick accent - which perhaps was how i understood what they meant anyway. it was like listening to alex ferguson in a post match interview all over again). all of them are both big and strong, and within minutes of the game, when i first received the ball with my back to goal, one of them went through from the back. the referee didn't call for a foul.
that set the tone for the entire game; i gave no quarter, and expected none.
at this point i must say that the caucasians showed us the utmost respect, no racism nor any xenophobic slurs whatsoever, and were by no means dirty.
it was just that they didn't want to allow me to play (after i turned them inside out several times, with was most pleasing, i must say), and were willing to do that by any means necessary. constant attention from them (take 12, take 12, they'd cry to each other - the jerseys were provided and i couldn't get my favoured '4' shirt so a took 12, a number which i've always been partial to, strangely. i was briefly tempted to take the '10' shirt, but decided to take something less conspicuous.) nudges, niggling tackles, barges in the back, and after being clattered one time too many, there was a fleeting moment of doubt as i went to receive the ball: is it worth it, to get the ball, with a giant behind me, a giant that i would then have to hold off, or take another knock in the back, or lose possession of the ball.
what is most disconcerting is that i love to receive the ball, i like the ball at my feet, i like to control the game, which is exactly why i favor playing in the center of midfield, and yet, after being knocked down repeatedly, i found myself fearing to receive the ball, which will not do. AT ALL. football is as much a physical game as it is a mental one. and fearing your opponents, well, let's just say that you might as well not be on the pitch at all. in fact, it perhaps is better that way.
then i got into some sort of feud with one of the opponent. he caught me on the shin with his stud (and i've got a stud mark on my shin to prove it, even though i was wearing shin guards) as i was moving the ball past him. the referee didn't stop play, and i was outraged i chased him down attempting to get the ball back, and in the next break in play, we exchanged words, with me replying with something witty (i think) which i can't quite remember, but apparently, he didn't like it and proceeded to flatten me totally, going through me from the back, his knee against the back of my head as he went through. i caught his boot as i fell to the ground and attempted in vain to haul him to the ground and just do as much hurt to him as i can, but he was much bigger than i, and furthermore, i was trying to grab him by the ankles with my hand as i fell.
i lost my composure, like i had not done so in a long while, and even as the referee blew for a foul, i went up to him, but was stopped by a teammate of his.
he said sorry, saying that it wasn't intentional, but we both knew it wasn't, he was intimidating me, daring me to one up on him. i guess fear got the better of me, and i faded out of the game from then on, till late in the game, as we were a goal down at that time, when i resolved that i would not be cowed, and i run at them from deep for a couple of times, but it was not to be. we couldn't find the equaliser, and thus lost. i shook hands with everyone of the opponent, and yet even as i did so, i wondered, if indeed fear had got the better of me and what things could have been.
then i recalled a conversation from sometime back.
i was telling mr koh of how i've been, of the comings and goings in my life and at one point, he asked me if i could see myself getting married.
i replied that i believe in the institution of marriage.
but he wasn't satisfied, he and asked again, if i could see myself getting married.
i said that one would have to believe in the institution first of all, before one would even consider marriage.
he said that that is not true (of course it isn't), and probed me yet again for my reply.
and for all of my manipulation of words, he out-maneuvered me, and at last, i replied that i would guess so peehaps a little uncertainly.