started crying and i couldn't stop myself, started running but there's nowhere to run to

brilliant brilliant song, talking about how close we are to tipping point in the world into catastrophe despite 'how far we've come'.

but on a more micro level, it really is about waking up 'at the start of the end of the world', the ending something in one's life, and if it's 'the world', then i'd reckon that it's something substantial, at the least.

and i think that i woke up today, at the start of the end of the world, to quote matchbox 20. all of a sudden i realised just how close i was to tipping point, to losing the things that i had taken for granted for the longest time altogether and how scary a thought that was. and in a flash, the cheerfulness that i've been feeling in the past few days vapourised, replaced instead, with a sense of foreboding, and heaviness and disquiet that i can't quite explain.

"i believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well i guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come
well i believe it all is coming to an end
oh well, i guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come"

and yet despite how far we've come,

"it's gone, gone, baby, it's all gone
there is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
it was cool cool, it was just all cool
now it's over for me and it's over for you".

and i felt a tinge of regret, and i vivid sense of what things could have been, and for the first time, a sense doubt.

'but there's nowhere to run to'.

not for the first time, i almost had to crawl home wasted from 2 gruelling sessions of football in a day on suday and it'd most likely happen again this weekend. football invariably makes me feel happy, in the plainest sense of the word. happy. yes, sometimes i get frustrated, at times i lost my cool, others i was just unhappy with my form, then there're times i was disenchanted by the limitations of my ability.

but still football never fails to make me happy, to make me feel good, to forget about difficult assignments due in 2 days time.

i've not had the best day, and it was to get worse in clinic where my very first patient had so small a pupil that i could see any reflex at all for ret, and later, opth. matters were not helped by the fact that she's a high myope of about -10.00D with astigmatism, plus she has mild cataracts.

now i had had to deal with high myopes before (i dealt with patients of more than -20.00D in indonesia) and i had to dealt with patients with cataract and small pupils before, but this, seriously is the tiniest pupil i've ever seen - you know that you're in trouble when even the fundus camera can't get a good photo - and throughout the entire examination, i was met with problem after problem, from a up-sized history, to being taken for a ride in jcc to a broken down slit lamp, to leaving my opth form completely blank to forgetting to clear my classmate's room for her, and now i've got a date with our clinic manager and perhaps demerit point(s) to boot. despite being almost always composed and calm, cool and eloquent (if i may say so myself) i had to check my rising frustration more than once and i was so close to total collapse when i realised that i couldn't see a thing on the opth even after clicking the -20D lens on (since she's highly myopic) that i simply walked out of the room to seek help without informing the patient whatsoever. so much for communication, so much for eloquence.

but the strangest thing was that at lunch, after the sudden grasp and awareness of what i could very well lose, while waiting for my classmates, the thought that i've got 2 matches lined up came into mind.

and later, after that disastrous debut in clinic, while travelling home, the same thought came into my mind and that cheered me up considerably.

'i sat down on the street took a look at myself
said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell
say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to'

there's no one to say goodbye to left, maybe, but i have an idea about where my solace will lie

can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?